My partner has been making me feel worse and worse about my low sex drive (due to health and mental issues)

[NexUko]

Hello!
I hope someone will read this thru and help me out, probably I just need listening to, because it just makes me feel worse and worse.

I struggle with having super painful sex and cystitis plus I am on a hormonal implant, so that definitely doesn't help my thoughts about sex. So when I am actually not in pain, I do enjoy having sex. Mentally I am sometimes not there either, because I have been taken advantage off by other men numerous times, so it is hard.

I have been putting a lot of pressure on myself, since my partner has a very high sex drive and wants to do it many times a week. Especially health wise I am still not there where I wanna be (I am consulting a doctor, so thats fine). I feel like i owe him something. He always reassures me that its fine... But then he always slips in the "We ALWAYS do it whenever you want to, never when I want to" And being that reminded months does take a toll on you. I understand where he is coming from, but I can't change the way I am built right now... Two days ago he has hit me with it again with that he slowly starting to feel less and less confident, since when we have sex he feels the need he has to say yes for his sake or he will wait for days again.
I just feel soo put on the spot, since right now I can't change the way my body feel but I feel soo much pressure... I dont know...

What don’t you know?

He doesn’t sound very supportive or kind to you. He should care about your mental and physical health more than just about sex. His attitude is quite entitled as well. Do you want to stay with him?

Both parties have to want to. It sounds like you are already having sex 'for' him.

You are doing nothing wrong, op. It sounds like you need to have more confidence in your wants and needs.

Look after yourself first.

Three things strike me -

1. sex shouldn't be painful: speak to your GP and ask for a gynae referral to check things out.
2. from what you hint at, can you get some counselling for the past events? That may help you deal with that element
3. I'd also ask about the implant; it may be that the hormones don't agree with you and you can change them. Now to him. He really doesn't seem to understand or support you! For various(medical) reasons that I won't go into, hubs and I have a very reduced sex life. But he has never been anything but supportive, and has never, ever, thrown the lack of sex, or that it has to be mainly at my instigation, back at me. And this is not a short term thing - I'm talking 10+ years.

You need to sit down and have a conversation with him - set out exactly what you have told us, and tell him that you enjoy your sexlife but that there are issues. If he doesn't want to listen, or to work with you to resolve it in a way that suits both of you, then you might have to consider whether you really want to stay with him. There are other ways of being sexually intimate that don't involve penetration but it needs to be with the consent of both partners, and after a frank discussion.

I hope you can work things out and get the love and support you need.

Only have sex when you want to. If anybody tries to tell you that's wrong, get away from them, fast. You don't need to justify yourself, explain yourself, or anything else.

From now on, feeling that someone is pressuring you for sex earns them an instant and permanent dismissal from your pants.

The fact that you are feeling less and less good about this relationship is a direct reflection on the fact that you are not being treated respectfully. It's your natural boundaries showing themselves, and they are healthy: live and kicking. Listen to them. They are the voice of your self esteem. Currently you're not listening to it, and that's why your confidence is going.

Have a listen to how it feels, the bit of you that's saying no. It's unpleasant, isn't it? Like a shiver down your spine, or nausea: it's visceral? Identify it. Get familiar with it. That's your feeling, for when your boundaries are being crossed. If you recognise it, you'll be able to protect yourself from any further mistreatment in your life, by moving away from anybody who gives you that feeling. It's a massive lesson. And the biggest you'll ever learn, should you choose to accept it. It's the lesson that will restore your confidence and self esteem, and you can use it with all relationships (not just romantic), jobs, places to live, hobbies, anything at all. If you always leave behind the visceral 'Ugh' feeling, you'll be left with a life that contains only things that make you feel nice, and space.