emotionally abusive husband blaming me for separation/divorce

[Peach2021]

when we separated I asked my husband to get help with his behaviour so that we could see if it was possible to put our marriage back together. he didn't bother - so many excuses including, by his own admission, having not even discussed it with his counsellor, and then on another day saying that his counsellor had said he didn't need that kind of help...

he is now saying that the reason we're having to divorce is entirely down to me not being willing to go to couples counselling with him, to which I responded that I will only consider that if he deals with his behaviour first.

this is just more manipulation right? I am struggling to hold on to "my truth" at the moment, as he has turned the charm/self pity back on...and I am so low some days I don't know which way is up...

How convenient it is for him to turn everything on you rather than work on his own issues. Yes, this is more manipulation from him, which is why joint couples therapy is never recommended where there is abuse. And manipulation, blame shifting, and love bombing is all emotional abuse.

Yes - just more manipulation. Deflecting blame onto you. Don't engage! You will never convince him that splitting up (or anything and everything else) is not your fault, and it doesn't matter that you do. The important thing is that you are separated and you are free.

I know it's hard but try not to think about the narrative he is spinning. You know the truth and the people who love you will know your side of the story. Don't waste your time worrying about him and what he is telling his family and friends. My exH did the same even though he had been having an affair and abusing me, apparentlythe divorce was all my fault. I so wanted him to admit what he had done wrong but I just don't think he can face up to the fact that he could ever be wrong so makes up stories that paint him in the best light. I just had to learn to let it go and stop caring!

Well he's never going to admit that anything might be his fault, so naturally he is going to blame you.

Think of it as just another part of his abuse, and divorce the swine.

Two issues.

1. your headspace after years of this. Best to avoid him so not taking any more in, and to strengthen yourself in the background. List making, thinking, journaling, recalling incidents.
2. ignore everything he says. He is invested in you being the one in the wrong. I'd do all I could to avoid conversation with him. Long baths, being busy, going out, going to bed early. Remember that he would love to corner you and get his point across. Do all you can to avoid this. If trapped, listen and nod and just remember, he is abusive.

I had something very similar from my ex.

What I found that worked for me was using the broken record technique with the phrase “because of your behaviour”

Every time he accused me of something, be it splitting up the marriage, throwing away 15 years, uprooting the children to a new home, etc etc I would just reply with the same phrase. He got bored of hearing it and stopped trying to start arguments and it also helped reinforce to me that I was not to blame for the situation

My ex used to make stuff up like this - rewriting history quite significantly around some issues. I think he actually believes his version, as a psychological mechanism. If he had to aadmit what he did, and not blame me, he couldn't keep pretending that he was not such a bad person.

@Coldiron, I like that.

WADR he would probably write the exact same OP. It's always a good idea to get therapy/outside perspective, and rarely is a relationship made up of an angel and a monster. There's usually half a dozen of one and six of the other.

His opinion does not matter anymore. You are no longer with him. Fuck him. Who gives a shit what he thinks?
He had his chance and blew it by acting like a dick. This one's on him. Now he's crying over his own mess.
Practice shrugging, OP, and move on with you life.

He manipulates you emotionally. You know that. It doesn't matter what this episode is about or what he really thinks or whether this is more manipulation.

You are gone from him. He could turn into an angel, and you still would never be able to trust him, so stop analysing. It's over. Whatever he does, it doesn't erase what he's done. It's too late.

Dear OP, I too recently separated and my DH never took any responsibility for it. He was always very controlling, manipulative, financially and emotionally abusive, and so after 25 years I had enough. I offered him couples counselling that his refused so I started counseling myself and never looked back. He immediately told me, the kids and everyone else who would listen that he has no idea why I wanted a divorce, that I "dumped him" for no good reason and never took any responsibility for anything. My therapist told me that his behavior is narcissistic, that he would probably never change. It is hard for me to deal with it because I am completely opposite type of person, apologizing gladly even if it is not my fault, so his behavior does affect me even now after he has moved out.

Relationships should pretty much be as easy as breathing. They shouldn't require couples counciling or therapy or be a hotbed of arguments or abuse. So what if he blames you for walking away? You were right to walk away-becauae the relationship doesn't work.

You don't owe anyone a partnership. Let alone someone who treats you like shit.

It isn't your 'fault' it's over. It's over because you were smart enough to know that it needed to be. Because he was a wanker.

Avoid him as much as possible and stop giving the chance to play with your head for one second longer.

Stop letting him think there's a chance of getting back with you. Tell him it's over for good and mean it. Otherwise he will continue to sense your weakness and use it against you.

My ex did this, I just said to him if I'm so awful then you'll be pleased I'm leaving won't you.
No answer to that really.

i am literally in the same position as you are in at the moment.
i have no advice as i'm struggling with everything tbh but hopefully we will get through this.
i thought to myself tonight "i had no life when i was with him. now i have a life" (although the life is the opposite of what i thought it would be)

i am reading all of your replies with massive interest.

You're divorcing because he's a dickhead.

It doesn't matter if he says it's because you wouldn't go to counselling - it still boils down to you not being prepared to put up with his shit anymore.

So he won't accept it is his fault for being emotionally abusive. So what? He never was going to, which is why you're in this situation in the first place. It's why you split up - he was abusive and wasn't going to change what he enjoyed doing to you, you realised it and were smart and brave enough to escape.

At least you'll still be divorced - you'll be free of the constant emotional abuse he subjected you to. And there's not even the slightest sign of him changing, which proves you were right all along.

My response would be

Yes the divorce is down to me. It is my decision and it is my choice.

He will never take responsibility for his failings in the relationship, never. Not even when he is losing you and facing divorce. He still won’t hold his hands up and say ok yes I have caused this.
Theres nothing you can do to get him to see what you see. So stop thinking that he might.
He wont. Full stop.

Own your choice. You’ve chosen to divorce him. Own it. Who gives a fuck what story he wants to spin behind it. You know the truth and you are the only person who matters to you.

if you don’t have any kids or even if you did, I’d recommend no contact. No chit chat. No discussion. Give yourself a chance to build your mental strength up, he’s going to keep chipping away at it until you protect yourself and cut it off.

Stop engaging with him.

You are getting divorced and you have to move on.

Nothing he says about your part in the divorce matters. It's all water under the bridge - gone and best forgotten.

If he's calling you with all this bile, block his number. If he's sending emails, send to spam.

Tell him if he has anything to say to you he should address it to your solicitor.

Stop with the direct communication. Nothing good can come of it. You will never win a conversation with someone like this.

I'm in the reverse. I've admitting my failings time and time again and can accept blame. Heck. I'd happily accept 70% of the blame if ex admitted to 30%

I got very angry after split ad I know she blames me for it all and cannot admit she was ever at fault, all her stuff was more covert. She finds it extremely hard in my opinion to admit openly that she is not as perfect as she thinks.

You just have to let it go. You're not going back, so don't engage with him about what is now in the past.

I look at it like this. If I live until 80 then this was just 1/10 of my life.

Just keep saying ok to him and he'll soon run out of steam.

He will never change. You can continue to let him make you doubt yourself or you can hold your head high and get on with enjoying the rest of your life.
My ex is very very similar. He left. He was emotionally abusive and still tries to this day. Even though he moved in with his "friend" and now has 2 kids with her (and we are not yet divorced because he is delaying everything)...we are now 3 years on and he is STILL telling lies (that i can prove!) To everyone about me. I have learnt to laugh about what a sad character he is. Yes, sometimes I doubt myself or get upset, but I take the time, regroup and then carry on with My life as it is.
Good luck & never doubt yourself!!

Thank you - you have all made really useful points that I will hold onto; unfortunately I have to see him regularly because we have young DC, but I am minimising contact between the two of us as much as I can, and as the DC get older that will get less until there is no need for me to see him at all.

I do need to get him out of my head, you are right, and most days I manage. Just some days, mostly when I am home on my own when the DC are with him, I miss them, and then the old "what if it was you, you imagined it all?" comes back and haunts me; we were together a very long time so I know it's going to take a while to get used to my new life, and I'm hoping the stages of divorce will help. I just never expected him to put us, and the DC, through this - he is not at all the man I thought I knew and that is hard to come to terms with.

Set up an email address just for him.

If he calls, let his call go to voicemail.

Tell him you do not wish to speak to him one to one, and anything he wants to communicate wrt the children, visitation, etc needs to be emailed. Any legal issues, he needs to have his solicitor contact your sol.

If he gets verbally abusive at pick up and drop off times with the DCs, bring this up with your solicitor. It's not in the best interests of the children to be exposed to this.

A work around might be pickup and dropoff in a public place where he would presumably be more inhibited than on your doorstep. Another suggestion would be to have a third party present - a friend, your parents, sister, etc.

My x still hates me 13 years on.

Don't waste time trying to win his approval for leaving him. You'll never get. Be smart and do what I didn't do. Say ''yes, you're right, this isn't what I want. Yes, you're right, I instigated this but I'm surprised you don't see why but I agree with you that you blame me!''