Nightmare and need advice!

[Beachdreams962]

First time poster and not sure if I’m posting in the right place but hoping people can give me some advice. It’s a long story but I’ll try to keep it short.

I have recently separated from my child’s father after finding out he cheated on me when I was pregnant and now has a child with another woman (babies v close in age). He has many mental health issues and I found out about this child after he had a breakdown (disappeared, police involved etc). He has since returned to his parents and I have moved me and our child closer to my parents (now around 1 hour away).

I have been advised he is to have supervised contact until he is in proper treatment and this could be a long wait.

This whole experience has been a living nightmare whilst I’m still on mat leave and I’ve had to deal with every single aspect of it including moving, sorting a new nursery, trying to find a new job, money worries, worries about our baby etc etc.

I am now extremely drained, finding myself becoming anxious and stressed, trying to be the best mum I can be whilst holding it all together.

I need advice on a few things if anyone can help…

1. communication. I am constantly the one sending photos, videos, asking to talk on phone for our child etc. This is exhausting - because I am currently caring for our child full time (he sees them when he can usually once/twice a week with me or his parents) am I expected to keep them up to date?

2. counselling. I am absolutely wrecked from this situation and have felt very numb/buried my feelings due to caring for our child and putting them first. I’m looking into private counselling as I have a feeling it could leave me with a lot of issues (trust etc) and I already have anxiety - can anyone recommend a type of counselling that might help? CBT/etc?

3. other child/woman. I absolutely want the best for the other child as they are innocent as well as being my child’s half-sibling. The other woman does not like me (I think has been fed lies from him) and even though they’re not together, I’m finding it very difficult to think that they might be eventually and I may have to send my child to spend time with a woman who doesn’t like me. Plus the obvious hurt/jealousy from being cheated on is starting to play on my mind a lot more.

If anyone has any practical advice/tips I would be so grateful. I really want my child (and the other child!) to come out as unaffected as possible by this situation, and I don’t want to say or do anything that could paint me in a bad light but I’m just feeling so done with it all and disappointed that this time in life is not how I expected it to be :(. Thanks and sorry for the long post!

I’m so sorry you’re going through all of this, definitely not what you need but I think the positive is you are incredibly strong to have walked away and are setting up the best life you can for your baby.
Can you get in touch with your doctor and talk about what you are going through? They can help sort out therapy and can support you.
I’m not sure how much contact you need to give him in regards to pictures and phone calls but really do what is best for you. You are already doing so much so If he isn’t pushing for photos or phone calls then I’d limit them!
Please don’t worry about this other woman. He has probably fed her a whole pack of lies but so what. You are so much better off without him. If they choose to get together then she will quickly see what you had to put up with and he will no doubt cheat on her too!
Dont focus on any potential relationships until they actually happen. He has to have supervised visits just now so even if they do decide to get together you have every right to say you don’t want this other woman involved in your child’s live straight away. Although I kind of feel she wouldn’t want your child around with them anyway!

Please remember how strong you have been through this. You have done everything for your child and are providing the best life for them. do you have a good support network with friends and family?

@Hiddenvoice thank you so much for your reply, in my head I know I’ve been strong and done the right thing and could never have stayed, but it’s so difficult to feel like that in reality. I think the doctors could be a good way to go - the long wait times for mental health support put me off but hopefully they could point me in the right direction. You’re also so right about the other woman and I know he would treat her the same way but it’s just such a fear that they could potentially play happy families especially with their child and I’m so worried our child might later wonder why our family wasn’t good enough. It’s so tricky :(. I am so lucky and have some great friends (even though I’ve had to move further away) and my family are really supportive but very busy. None of them have been through anything similar though, especially as none of my friends have children yet so it’s sometimes hard for them to relate I think!

I know it’s tough when your friends and family can’t always relate but keep talking, keep being open and ask for help from them when you need it. Even if it’s going for a coffee and catch up just to get your mind off of things. I know some friends now live further away but could you plan a day where they visit you and it gives you something to look forward to?

This other woman and your ex may play happy families but their relationship will always be formed on cheating! Your child will have questions as they grow up. At first you can say that mums and dads don’t always work out but will always love the child. As they grow up, you can choose to tell them as much as you want them to know. Right now, focus on the love you have for your child and how they will always appreciate and love you.

I know there might be a long waiting list for mental health support but they can put you in touch with a mental health app which has a therapist drop in to online chat with you quite regularly. It provides cbt and might help you manage some of your feelings. I’d also suggest starting a journal. Write all your feelings down, don’t be afraid to be honest, if you’re crying and hurt then write that down, get the feelings out on paper to help you manage them. Write down any thoughts that are troubling you and it’s something you can use to talk to a therapist/ friends and family about.

This is very similar to what I went through a few years ago with my ex (DS father) so I will share what I have done/do.

Communication - I stopped sending photos and trying to keep him updated with anything, unless it was something super important, I didn't bother unless he asked (same for his family). This was mainly down to being ignored, I didn't get even a thanks for sending them. If something important is happening, I will tell him about it, what, when and where it is and it's down to him to make the effort to show or ask about it, but usually I either just get an OK or a blue dick and it's not mentioned again. You have far too much to be dealing with at home without having to worry about them.

Counselling/Therapy - I have done CBT twice, one for extreme anxiety (pre-ex) and the other time was to help me with the absolute S**t show my life was after splitting with ex. I went through my GP/Doctors and it helped, and I have been able to use a lot of things I learned with other challenges in my life but I know that waiting times are a lot longer now.

Other woman - The other woman hated me, and I kind of get some satisfaction out of it now (many years later) and she still HATES me with a passion. My son wasn't allowed unsupervised contact with her, he could see his siblings with his dad and all that, no problems but she also hates my child and I just didn't want him near that sort of person in general. Over time their contact increased but it was maybe once a month if that and now I'm fine with it, he can tell me what happens and communicate anything malicious or if she is mean to him. When you move on from what happened and things start falling into place a bit more this is something that you will start to be more at ease with.

Main bit of advice, time is a healer! Allow yourself time to heal - don't worry about things until you have to. Hopefully 5 to 10 years down the line you can laugh and think what a waste he was but you have your children, focus on them and you.

I hope you are okay, I know what you are going through is not easy at all, and it does take time (more time that you probably anticipate) but you will get there!