Planning the great escape

[dragonstitcher]

Copied over from the other thread-
^Have been to solicitor. I took my mum for moral support. My head was in a mess and the solicitor got a bit impatient until I revealed that I was suffering mental abuse, at which point she immediately softened. I think she even let me run over my alloted time.

Right. She does not want me to leave the house unless I really have to. She said the waver I signed means that if the mortgage wasn't paid and they have to repossess, then I wouldn't be able to claim any right to stay in it. It doesn't mean that in divorce law that I have no claim on the house. I am entitled to stay in the house until my youngest child is grown.

I have a decision to make. Preferably, I should tell him that the marriage is over and I want him to leave. If he refuses and gets abusive, I'd have to weather it until he relents. If he gets physically violent, I phone the police and have him removed. If I can cope with that it would work in my favour. Or, I would have to find someone to take DDs and I in temporily while I start divorce proceedings and the courts can then make him leave.

She says that it would be unwise for me to leave and try to pay rent on my meager income. I couldn't do it.

So, at the moment my plan is:
Try to get hold of Womens Aid again.
Research financial help.
Pack up and ship out to my Mum and Dads house anything of sentimental value.
Wait until he threatens the end of the marriage again and agree with him and stick to my guns. Try to get him to leave.
In the meantime (after sentimental stuff is safe) stick up for myself, state my opinion, be less guarded about avoiding provacation and weather the storm.^

Thanks everyone who posted on my other thread. Your support means so much to me. I need people to believe in me to keep me believing in myself. My mum is helping me by keeping anything of sentimental value or important papers over at her house. H x-w is 100% behind me as well. I also have offers of help from friends at work.

I'm kind of jumping back and forwards between being strong and crumbling. I haven't any doubts at all about wanting to leave him, just about whether I am right. I had a revelation last night. Thinking things over it suddenly struck me hard that I don't love him. A week ago, I thought I did. I'm not sure how it happened. My head is pretty mixed up, probably from years of listening to him, I know. When he is being outright abusive, it's easy for me to know that I am right. But at the mo, he is being... what word can I use... careful. Not caring, not kind... careful. And the guilt of knowing what I am planning is building up. He knows that I am distant (avoiding touching, eye contact, avoiding the three little words etc) and he goes from frowning at me, to sighing, napping, one word answers and then he phones me from work and tries to get a conversation out of me and waits for me to say 'I love you'. When the inevitable eventually happens, it's all going to look like my fault.

I am hoping that Womens Aid are going to help me with all that. I took a letter to my Drs surgury yesterday, giving my Dr permission to talk to them. Hopefully I will hear from them on Monday.

Meanwhile, I am getting paperwork together, making copies, putting them safe. I have downloaded the Land registry form and emailed it to my mum for safekeeping. When they receive it, they will write to H informing him that I have put a caution on the house, so I have to get the timing right. Mum already has a boxful of photos from when DDs were babies and all my finished cross stitch.

I'm on TOTM atm. I figure that I have just under a week to get anything I need to safe out of the house, before he asks for a 'bit of fun' again.

well done

what is a caution on the house>?

Wow, good luck with everything, sounds like you have a huge amount of support, here and in RL

The Survivors's Handbook - very useful for you

You know you can ring the police if he is abusive in ANY way - you don't have to wait for the first smack in the face or kick to call them.

If the police end up getting involved, press charges. PLEASE. It is the ONLY way to get the courts to take the abuse seriously if he goes to family court for contact. They will NOT take the abuse/leaving into consideration if you don't press charges because "it wasn't bad enough".

Good luck - the WA site is full to the brim of safety tips for you. Please read through it and then delete the cookies (the site tells you how or I can if you have Internet Explorer) so that he doesn't know what you are planning. Keep it top secret - don't even tell the kids... violence tends to get worse once they realise what is being planned.

Keep safe. Thinking of you x Take care

A caution tells a potential purchaser that The OP has a right to occupy the house because it is the matrimonial/family home and she is married to the owner.

In practical terms it would put off any purchasers.

It's a common first step before going for a divorce where the woman isn't on the title deeds to protect her position.

Well done dragonstitcher!!! You will get through this.

IME my abusive ex actually behaved better once he knew I had a solicitor. He knew he was being watched. I wasn't on the title deeds either or the mortgage but he carried on paying it because he didn't want to screw up his credit.

Quick question. Did you get independent legal advice before signing that waiver, DS?

cookie - Yes I did, but I didn't have much choice because H couldn't have a mortgage if I didn't.

I have just dropped the bombshell. It isn't going too well. H is winning me over and I'm confused.

don't be persuaded! stick to your guns, and come on here if you feel yourself wavering.

Don't give in - you KNOW this is for the best - for your mental health, physical health and future.

dragonstitcher i'm in the same position as you are, I had to put a caution on the home as mortgage in dh name, am I really entitled to stay here till dd is grown because I don't want her evicted from her home?

Dragon, how are things today? The thing is, I'm reluctant to say you mustn't give in, because only you know the exact circumstances. I THINK from what you have said previously that splitting from him is the right thing to do. Is there someone who you can chat to in RL who knows you well and who also knows H. Maybe your Mum. Or you mentioned some friends from work. I do get the impression that your self esteem has suffered over the years and that may be why you tend to doubt your decisions.

Please don't make any rash decisions which you may regret. If you decide to give it another go please make sure that it is very much on your terms.

H isn't out of the woods yet. I haven't actually decided to give it another go, but I'm not pushing things either.

He is very scared and humble. He keeps hugging me and stroking my face. He gave me some freesias (my favourite flower). I am very aware that this probably won't last. I can see him reverting back, the moment he gets comfortable again.

I don't really know my own mind atm so I'm waiting to see if WA offer me any help.

Well, hopefully he has realised that you are going to assert yourself more. I think you should work hard to make sure he doesn't get comfortable again and keep him on his toes. At least you have taken some positive steps and got some information from the solicitor, so if you feel that things are not changing for the better you are in a better position to act more quickly. Good luck.

Please don't be fooled by him DS- not wishing to be the cynical old bag here but.... there is a pattern in these abusive relationships & he is a classic from what I've read from you. He is playing the guilt card because he KNOW he's losing the power over you & he doesn't like it. He may well be sorry but that's a bit late now.

You have to ask yourself -has he REALLY changed, can he? Or is it an act to lure you into staying? Is it healthy for you & your DD's to go through this & then stay??

It sounds like you are getting well organised with the paperwork which is good. Be prepared for fireworks when the Land Registry write to him though.

Don't back down on that caution, please. You need it for yours and your childrens' security!

Come over from other thread now DS. Was just going to post 'I hope you know what you are doing' then realised you really don't, and have admitted that! Keep posting and thinking about the situation. Only you know the truth but you said below you have realised you don't love him and certainly sounds like you still don't trust him.
I have a really uncomfortable feeling about your dh being 'nice for now'. Please keep being very careful. When do you expect him to get the news of the caution?

Be very careful.

From a DV survivor...please hide all your important documents ASAP. Passports and birth certificates, bank stats, insurance policies etc...get the out of the house now.
Have you managed to whittle any money away into savings as soon as you noticed things going wrong?

I don't want to scare you, but him being nice for now....once he finds out about other stuff I feel that will change. It always does. It is a known fact that abusers 'turn' once they know they are losing control...mine did.

Please take care of yourself and let us know how things go.

Gentle hugss (((()))))

Mine did too - nearlly threw me out of a moving vehicle - it was only by my sheer adrenaline-fuelled strength that I managed to stay in the car and escape with my son (in his car seat - after being punched in the eye which would have blided me had it been a full-front-on punch).

Be VERY careful. Please.

If he turns - ring 999. Do NOT hesitate.

oops - nearly and blinded!

I hate to be the bringer of doom and of COURSE the ultimate decision is yours but this extract is from WA site (It was the mention of freesias and the "hearts and flowers" in the article that set bells ringing):

"The term ?cycle of violence? is also used to refer to a cyclical model of an abusive relationship (1) in which the abuse gradually gets worse and builds to a climax, often involving severe physical or sexual violence; this is then followed by remorse and pleas for forgiveness (the ?hearts and flowers? or ?honeymoon? phase). At that stage, the abuser is likely to promise never to repeat the violence; however ? according to this model - the tension gradually builds up again to a further climax of abuse. The cycle can take varied periods of time, but tends to speed up the longer the relationship lasts.

It's important to see the honeymoon phase as a part of a continuing pattern of power and control ? i.e. the perpetrator using his expressions of remorse as a tool to absolve himself from responsibility, and to manipulate his partner into staying in the relationship ? perhaps even blaming herself for his violence. This model may have some relevance in some circumstances, but isn't universally applicable."

Once he knew I was leaving Lewisfan, he dumped me and the kids right in the middle of the Derbyshire Peaks and the bastard drove off and left us there. It was snowing. Took us 5 hours to walk home back to Stoke (where home was but not now).

The minute I got my stuff out of the house, and the kids and exh (with the van) were out of the way for 5 mins, he throttled me, held me up against the wall with my legs dangling in mid air and spat in my face.

Dragon, hope all is going well. I have been 'free' for 5 years now, there is hope on the other side. My home is my haven and HEAVEN, what I say goes. and it is so freeing to do that.
I hope you have gone to your parents?

Do NOT hesitate to call police, Womens aid, Refuge or Victim Support, in fact once you have left call them all. They are a wealth of support.

Trust me. Good luck andf my thoughts, well wishes and blessings are with you. I don't even know you but DV is just the worst thing a woman can ever go through....

(((hugs DG)))

oh good god PO - that is horrendous Well done for getting out of it.

Well done, dragonslayer, you just need to keep strong now. Don't doubt yourself - I know that's not easy, is it?
Just a practical point, if you did want to leave the house and rent somewhere, you can get housing benefit to pay the rent if you're on low income. There is help available to sort this out from your local council or CAB. My DH is always telling me that I can't do things, and that I can't manage without him, and I think that's part of the controlling thing. You can do anything you want, and lots of women do.
good luck

Hi DS - just wondered how you were getting on and how he has been with you?

Hi Jacks - Thanks for thinking of me. He is being very attentive, loving, tolerant. Actually a lot like he used to be years ago. I've decided to enjoy it while it lasts and then threaten to leave him again if/when he reverts back to Mr Hyde. I figure that he has more to lose than I do.