Alcoholic Mother

[Concernedfather1993]

My ex is a alcoholic, and it's getting worse and it is getting to the point I'm starting to question whether she can care for our son competently I'm not on the birth certificate and don't even have a PRA she has insisted she will fight tooth and nail to stop me having any official paperwork regarding that, as punishment for threatening legal action when he was born.

I don't want to try and take him away from her, a boy needs his mum more than he needs his dad I'm just at a loss at what to do, she needs a kick up the arse to make her realise she is getting out of control but won't listen to me or anyone. Last thing I want is to involve the social services but it's getting to that stage does anyone have any advice on what to do before I make that phone call?

Tia

How strange to say he needs his mum more than his dad. Have a think about what you really mean.

I grew up without a father myself, I know that babies are more reliant on their mothers is all I meant by that.

A child needs an emotionally stable and available parent in their lives (does not matter what sex they are) and not an alcoholic. She will harm her child emotionally and as an alcoholic too her primary relationship is with drink. Her thoughts will centre on where the next drink is going to come from. Your son growing up with an alcoholic mother will be awful for him in all sorts of ways.

If you really do care about your son you would involve Social Services despite your ex's threats. Make that call and get support from Al-anon for your own self re her drinking.

I understand what you are saying ConvernedFather. I hope someone can come along soon offering some helpful advice. A difficult issue I can’t think what would be for the best. One good thing though - you are there for your son fully. Maybe not time in everyday sense, but will nevertheless make a big difference.

What was the legal action you threatened when he was born? How involved are you with the everyday care of your son? Does she dispute you are the father? Was there a reason you are not on the BC? Do you contribute financially? All these are questions that would be asked if you involved the family court (you'd normally need to seek mediation before the court would permit you to apply, BTW). The court is also likely to commission a report on your baby's safety and welfare and any concerns about alcoholism would be part of that. Of course if you think your baby is at risk, you'd need to act sooner...is there any other family member on either side you could share your concerns with?

@Concernedfather1993 what are the specific concerns about the care of your son.

If she is unable to provide safe and consistent care of him because she is drunk, or she is putting him in unsafe situations then you need to act.

You need to do something for your child's sake. If she is drinking heavily whilst he is with her, then he is at risk of harm, both physically and emotionally. An alcoholic mother isn't better than a sober father. Speak to Al-anon for advice on intervention, and call social services. They can assess the situation and it may be the wake up call she needs to address her problem with alcohol.

She's a fantastic mum, when she is sober. she has always been a heavy drinker the whole time I have known her but recently its just gone to a whole other level as she was at the very fleast functional. Everytime I go round the lastbfee months she either has a bottle in her hand or takes the opportunity to go to the shop and get one. If she wants a evening off and have a glass of wine or two I completely understand. But she sits in her room knocks back two bottles of wine and gets angry and spits venom and spite, starts playing music at full volume while I'm trying to get my son to sleep, and then threatens to call the police on me for telling her to turn the music off.
Last night in fact I went to drop my boy back to her after having him for the day, she was wasted could barely stand and had actually wet herself and she expects me to leave him in her care in that state!? The thing is she was so drunk I highly doubt she will even remember any of that happened and then will deny it accusing me of gaslighting her?

I was tempted to let her call the police and be there when they showed up and they could see but my worst fear is that boy being in care even for a night.

Did you then leave him in her care or did you remove him?

How old is your child?

I took him and he's just 18 months

He wouldn't go into care. Years ago DH had PR for youngest child (born in 2004) but not for oldest ( born in 2000, on birth certificate but not PR as rules were different).

His ex got very drunk one night and when went to drop off we had to leave with his DD as they were trying to smash car up.

She called police on us and said we had kidnaped her DD. We were sat in police station at the time. Police did come eventually to collect her from ours but this was 4am as her mom refused to allow her to stay but police advised they needed her to sober up first.

We went to court and were given EW (this was about 16 years ago). Slowly increase that time and now youngest lives with us FT and has very LC and her DD is NC.

They covered for her for years, minimalizing her drinking. They admitted since that at 13 they were having to pick her up off the floor after school etc.

They didn't tell us because mom had threatened them that they would have taken into care and she would lose them and they would never go to their dads because we wouldn't have them. She would kill herself if she lost her babies at it would be their fault etc.

We are so ashamed that we didn't know. FB was always full of the happy family. They were scared to tell us because they love their mom and wanted to protect her, even though they were with us regularly as well.

If you love you son and really want what is best for him then you need to step up now. You need to apply for mediation and the right to apply for court to obtain PR.

Without this, even if you call social services they may not engage with you because legally you are not obliged to know.

There is a process and you need to follow it for the sake of your son and his mom, if you genuinely want to help her. You can then also arrange proper contact through the courts.

Please contact social services and share your concern. They will get your son on their radar and ensure he's not put at risk. They'll be able to find support for his mum and ensure she access it as a condition of retaining care of her child. School will be informed so that they can keep an eye on him too and notify them of any problems that you might not be aware of, such as him showing up in dirty clothes or hungry if she's not able to care for him.

Your empathy towards her is great but his needs and safety are what matter most here and you can only do so much, you need to get the professionals involved. It won't mean him being taken from her out of the gate, that only happens if she's proven she's unable to care for him adequately despite support, for all their flaws SS try their best to keep families together if possible and safe for the children.

I grew up with an alcoholic mother (thankfully mine didn't get really bad until my late teens, she sadly died a couple of years later) and the scars it can cause last a lifetime. If you're a stable, secure parent, then he has every chance of being able to have a normal upbringing. Stop hesitating and act.