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Original poster

How can I trust him again

7 replies

elociN5 · 09/05/2022 11:02

Hi guys
this is for a friend who is not on mumsnet but will be reading.

Let's call her Sarah and him Steve.
She was just divorced with 4 children when she met her current husband. He seemed smitten with her, they fell in love and he proposed after 3 months of them meeting.
he had split up from his partner of 20 years (never married, 2 teen children) 2 years previously and allegedly finished a nearly 2 year relationship with a married lady (let's call her J) the month before he met Sarah. (he found out she was married half way through but it's irrelevant to the story)
he declared his everlasting love for Sarah and continues to do so.
him and Sarah married, had a baby who is now nearly 2, and he is looking after 3 of her children that live with them full time (eldest at uni) and pays maintenance for his younger daughter who lives with her mum nearby.
over the years the J woman's photos kept popping up on his phone in various places with strange dates (after they allegedly broke up) and when Sarah noticed she pointed it out and he got really upset with her and promised they broke up in august. (He met Sarah early September)
fast forward to last night, she is on his phone looking for an archived group chat and comes across messages to this woman well into November that year that suggest


  1. they were still meeting up very occasionally when Sarah was not there

  2. he was still in love with J

  3. begging her not to give up on them


messages stop abruptly in late nov and he proposed to my friend mid December . There is nothing since

she is in bits, really upset, realises it's not quite cheating but feels he has been dishonest. Confronted him this morning, with screen shots, had a massive argument with him as he denies it and says dates are wrong.
which makes it worse really as this makes her trust him less. she feels her marriage is over as she can't get past it.

any thoughts welcome

i don't know what to think as I'd be really pissed off and upset if it was me in her shoes. If she'd known she would not have got further involved she says.

OP posts:
Wayfairtwo · 09/05/2022 14:10

Oh I'd be P'd off as well...I know the messages stopped after he proposed but all throughout the time they were dating he was cheating. I don't understand the"not quite cheating" part. It is cheating!

It would be hard for me to ever trust a partner like this ever again.

Watchkeys · 09/05/2022 14:53

Why does she want to trust him again? He's proven himself to be untrustworthy. The only way to trust him again would be to turn into a fool, and overlook this.

BlimBosh · 09/05/2022 14:57

He is a lier and a cheat. I wouldn't want to even try and trust him, he's scum.

Also, never ever get with someone so newly single again.

dotdotdotdash · 09/05/2022 15:07

Proposing after three months is a red flag... To get over it, he will need to be honest about what happened, stop being vague about the dates; and Sarah will need to decide if she can forgive him. Counselling would be a good idea.

Original poster
elociN5 · 09/05/2022 15:34

Well kind of what I think as well, messages stopped over a month before he proposed but last message apparently was from him still posting some sentimental crap.
to her the worst part is that he still not fessed up and denying it ever happened despite of dates on screenshots from WhatsApp. I mean she is not stupid even though he has a very senior position in IT one would be an idiot to believe the phone got the dates wrong.
I told her he knows what he's done but it's hard for her to just up and leave logistically as children are very settled in good schools etc.
happy this got some replies she will be able to read this evening

OP posts:
Original poster
elociN5 · 09/05/2022 15:35

dotdotdotdash · 09/05/2022 15:07

Proposing after three months is a red flag... To get over it, he will need to be honest about what happened, stop being vague about the dates; and Sarah will need to decide if she can forgive him. Counselling would be a good idea.

he is not fessing up, she said it'd have been much easier to deal with had he at least fessed up.

OP posts:
Original poster
elociN5 · 09/05/2022 15:39

BlimBosh · 09/05/2022 14:57

He is a lier and a cheat. I wouldn't want to even try and trust him, he's scum.

Also, never ever get with someone so newly single again.

I think I agree.
thing is he was not that newly single, his long term relationship ended 2 years prior and then this J woman was apparently on and off as she was married and he didn't want to be the other guy so ended it. Well that's the story anyway. It sounds he was still in love with her though. And that is what my friend can't get over .
I wouldn't trust him again but knowing her situation and how difficult it is to leave logistically I'd be very careful with him

OP posts:
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