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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How to support a dear friend end an abusive relationship

2 replies

LabradorsInThePond · 09/05/2022 10:30

Our dear friend came to stay for the first time in two years. We had a lovely weekend. She's been with a guy for two years, and I know it had been rocky. He didn't come.

Anyway, she left for home and ten minutes later was back at our kitchen table crying her eyes out. She couldn't bear to go back. He'd barraged her with messages and abuse about being 'late' (i.e. beyond his acceptable time window) home, and then harassed her elderly mum with calls. She's still with us now and is safe here. It all came out and he's a misogynistic, abusive, coercive manchild and her self esteem is at rock bottom. I think she's finally recognised the relationship is toxic and she needs to extricate herself from it, but he's clever and highly manipulative. I think he's the sort who could turn violent. He's in her house at the moment 'waiting for her' but normally lives with his parents. She's scared to finish it, and I'm worried she'll get back to him and it will just carry on as she's scared to leave. We've agreed to take her dog, as she's worried he will take revenge on it. We can't physically be with her when she ends it, but we've suggested in a public place, not at home.

I've put her onto Woman's Aid and suggested she calls the police to see how they can help. Any other ideas about how we can support her would be wonderful. I really need to help her get out of this.

OP posts:
longtompot · 09/05/2022 10:45

Could she call the police to say he is in her house and tell them what has been happening? They could hopefully send someone round to keep her safe while he leaves. Once she has got him out then she needs a locksmith to change all her locks.
Its wonderful she has such a good friend in you. Just be there. I imagine just having her dog is a huge relief for her.
All the best to your friend, I hope she gets free of him Flowers

LabradorsInThePond · 09/05/2022 10:50

Many thanks that's really helpful. She actually suggested changing the locks herself this morning, as she knows he has several sets of keys. I'm really pleased she's thinking about keeping herself safe in this way. It's an excellent idea to see if the police will come with her when he takes his stuff to leave. I think this could be a really risky time. I am also wondering, given the endless phone harassment, about a restraining order, but I'm not sure how easy that is. I've suggested she keeps a screenshot of every single message from now on (some are vile), as he deleted quite a few last night once he'd sent them. Obviously this morning, he's all sweetness and light, but I think she can now see that for what it is (I hope!)

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