Struggling with nee relationships after DV

[Appleofmyeye05]

Hi

So to cut a long story short I think every relationship I have been in has been abusive, in one way or another and some worse than others. My last relationship was by far the worst and had all the signs however back then I didn’t really know about red flags or even really knew it was abuse, I just accepted it for what it was and accepted that sometimes people mess up and the abuse was the consequence which is baffling to me looking back.

anyway, that was just over 2 years ago, since then I’ve taught myself about red flags and abuse and read a lot about it online and vowed to myself that I’d never fall back into the trap and the next time around I’d be able to spot any signs. I have a child too so obviously don’t want my son exposed to that environment.

so I met someone, and he seemed lovely. Had a few flaws like everyone does but I feel like he had his priorities in check. But I can’t stop (what I feel is) self sabotaging it. I have called it off with him, he knows I have been through a lot previously and wasn’t treated right.
i feel I’m really struggling to unlearn what I previously deemed as normal, especially in the ‘talking’ phase. We had been seeing each other 4 weeks, went on 1 date a week or saw each other once a week, which i was happy with as I wanted to avoid too much too soon, but then my mind felt unsafe and was telling me that he didn’t like me (despite his words and actions) because he wasn’t suffocating me with attention and affection. He changed plans on my request to meet him a couple of times which made me feel like he was brushing me off but I also changed plans on him too.

i know in my rational mind that it’s healthy to have your own life/hobbies/ identity but my mind is just overthinking things massively. And I just can’t seem to stop it.

I have been working hard on myself these past 2 years, especially in areas of self worth and self esteem and being kind to myself and I feel like I’ve fallen at the final hurdle.

im hoping someone can give me some advice or direct me to something I can read/watch to bring me a bit of clarity.

i think I know deep down that I’m not ready but I can’t help but have the feeling like I’ve messed things up for myself due to not feeling safe in a healthy environment.

Hi OP. I think in order to move on and not be inclined to self sabotage you need to heal from your past abusive relationship. Maybe some counselling or therapy? Really focus on to your own healing before getting back out there x

on your own healing **

Thank you

I agree that a counsellor might be a helpful sounding board for you. Someone you speak to a couple of times a month or weekly and can run these thoughts pass and get some perspective on the situation. Help you identify what is a red flag, what your boundaries are and whether you are self sabotaging. Its very difficult with a history of abuse to know what is right and wrong in new relationships and be able to enjoy it without second guessing yourself all the time or being scared you're trading a level 10 bastard for a level 6 one! Someone to talk all this through on a regular basis will help you not only with this situation but to develop the tools to do it for yourself in the future.

I can’t help but have the feeling like I’ve messed things up for myself due to not feeling safe in a healthy environment

This is the very moment when you need to be kind to yourself most. All of the other times were a rehearsal for this.

Can you talk to your partner about how you feel? If not, he's not worthy of you.

@Watchkeys I could but I feel embarrassed. I feel like he wouldn’t want to hear it but I don’t know that for a fact as this is the second time I’ve called it off.
and is it too early on in a new relationship to start acting paranoid and insecure?

There's no acting. There's no need to give your emotions categories like 'insecure' or 'paranoid'.

Can you tell your partner honestly how you feel? Even if you're embarrassed, can you face that, and be your true self with him? There are all kinds of thoughts and feelings we have that embarrass us, but being able to be honest with our partners and feel that we will be accepted for who we are is a crucial part of feeling secure.

Hi lovely I had 17 years of DV both mentally and physicallyi ended up leaving him and taking my 7 children with me that was 10 years ago honestly talk to someone about your hurt / anger it will do you really good sending big hugs you will be fine 🤗

Just an update, turns out he wasn’t such a lovely guy after all and was seeing someone else during our time. I guess it was my intuition guiding me away and rightly so!

I would suggest you enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme and do this online or in person (preferably).

Your boundaries, skewed as they are by previous abuse, could be yet again messed with as it is so I would not date at all until you have done more work here. It is very common for people to go from one abuser to yet another abusive type. Consider too what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up and unlearn the crap through counselling.

Love your own self for a change.

Totally agree!