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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I doing the right thing??

24 replies

Onenineninezero · 09/05/2022 05:50

Well, I don't know if this makes any sense but I'm going to write it anyway as I need to let it out. I apologise if its a little long.

I'm seeing a guy and he's absolutely great. Zero red flags. He's respectful towards me and treats me so well. I've just got a huge issue, and it's a me issue!

He owns a bar and I've realised I've been drinking alot more than I would usually. I just feel as though I've lost some self control really. The bar is closer to my home than his house is, so I tend to pop in to see him. He also sometimes, shuts down the bar and makes it all romantic for a date night for us, which I love. But I've noticed I'm becoming anxious alot and it's usually the day after I've had a drink. He doesn't push me to drink or anything like that, it's just me. I'm not drinking excessive amounts, it's like a few of an evening probably half the week. I know this can very easily turn into a problem though. I'm going to end it with him because of this. The bar comes with him and I can't exactly avoid it completely. I feel crap about it to be honest cause he is a really nice guy and it's not his fault at all, it's mine.

I'm sat here at half 5 in the morning feeling anxious again, like a shaky feeling as I had a couple last night. I have a very demanding job and I know I will feel like this all day. I've arranged to meet him later so I can just call it a day and explain the reasons why. Am I totally overreacting here or am I doing the right thing? I just feel like this is the only way for me to gain control before it becomes a big issue. I'm not a huge drinker at all but I feel like I'm drinking way to much. Its just a crap situation as he is one of the good ones. I've known him years as friends and this is the only problem for me.

OP posts:
mycatallowsmetolivehere · 09/05/2022 05:53

Why ditch a decent guy over this ?

Can you not have a coke / sprite/ coffee ?

Tell him you've noticed you are drinking more since you met him and don't like the affect so only plan to have a couple of a weekend nothing alcoholic during the week

Surely if he really is so great there is a way round this ?

Marty13 · 09/05/2022 05:59

Yeah if he is that great I would at least try a couple of things before calling the whole thing off. You could tell him you've noticed that you've been drinking more than usual and to please serve you only soft drinks unless you specifically request an alcoholic one.

It's worth to at least try this for a couple of weeks, if it doesn't work for you there'll always be time to break up then.

Original poster
Onenineninezero · 09/05/2022 05:59

mycatallowsmetolivehere · 09/05/2022 05:53

Why ditch a decent guy over this ?

Can you not have a coke / sprite/ coffee ?

Tell him you've noticed you are drinking more since you met him and don't like the affect so only plan to have a couple of a weekend nothing alcoholic during the week

Surely if he really is so great there is a way round this ?

I haven't even mentioned it to him, so he's unaware. I know hell completly understand. It's a me issue so I need to stop drinking and have a soft drink instead when I go. I just need to get some control over it and I don't know how to if I'm in a place full of alcohol.

OP posts:
something2say · 09/05/2022 07:08

You don't have to drink every time you're there. Have a lime and soda. I suppose the other issue is that his time off is dominated by the bar..

clpsmum · 09/05/2022 07:11

You're going to dump him because he works In a pub???? You don't have to drink when you go there why not have a soft drink?

PetersRabbitt · 09/05/2022 07:13

Order a cranberry juice instead. The solution is very easy.

Scabbyknackers · 09/05/2022 07:19

If he's that nice why not try sticking to non alcoholic drinks? Or is the problem that he's always at the bar and you don't get to do anything else together?

Original poster
Onenineninezero · 09/05/2022 08:00

He owns the bar so I can't not go to it if I continue seeing him.

I'm overreacting aren't I!! I'm just so bloody anxious this morning and I hate it. My mother was a heavy drinker and I guess I've got a fear from that. I just need to say no to alcohol when I'm there. I just don't want to make it a regular thing. I'm going to meet him after work and speak about it.

OP posts:
tomatoandherbs · 09/05/2022 08:03

Op this is not about the guy
thisnis about you and a growing drink problem
you need to address this because there will always be bars around

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 09/05/2022 08:09

Make a no alcohol during the week rule and tell him so he supports you (if he doesnt that's the time to dump). Explain you don't normally, its not good for you and interferes with your ability to do your work. Order a lime, bitters & soda water, its a nice low calorie, grown up no alcohol drink. His reaction will be telling.

champagneplanet · 09/05/2022 08:09

I would at least try reducing the amount you're drinking before you end it if he's as great as you say.

How much does he drink when he's there/on shift? If you mention you're drinking a lot more than you're used to in the week he will likely support you if he's a nice as you say he his.

It's a good idea to set some limits for yourself at the start of the week. Eg: Friday/Sat only, at least 5 days alcohol free. That's what i'd do anyway, and you'll enjoy it more then.

Maybe download an app to keep track of what you've had, you may not be having as much as you think but the anxiety is making it worse.

ijustcouldntthinkofausername · 09/05/2022 08:12

OP don't give up at the first hurdle.
You need to have a word with yourself! Find some will power and if he's that great then that should be enough to make this work.

If you're a gin drinker then just have tonic water. If you're a lager drinker then just have 0% lager drink, all bars do them.

Don't give something good up before you've even tried.

Good luck OP

Original poster
Onenineninezero · 09/05/2022 09:41

tomatoandherbs · 09/05/2022 08:03

Op this is not about the guy
thisnis about you and a growing drink problem
you need to address this because there will always be bars around

I've never had this issue till I started seeing him to be honest. I'm not a big drinker at all but I do realise it can easily become an issue if I don't handle it now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Onenineninezero · 09/05/2022 09:49

champagneplanet · 09/05/2022 08:09

I would at least try reducing the amount you're drinking before you end it if he's as great as you say.

How much does he drink when he's there/on shift? If you mention you're drinking a lot more than you're used to in the week he will likely support you if he's a nice as you say he his.

It's a good idea to set some limits for yourself at the start of the week. Eg: Friday/Sat only, at least 5 days alcohol free. That's what i'd do anyway, and you'll enjoy it more then.

Maybe download an app to keep track of what you've had, you may not be having as much as you think but the anxiety is making it worse.

He has the same amount as me really as when he finishes one, he'll grab me one too. So it is definitely my fault by not saying no and not telling him I don't want another. I'll have probably 3 to 4 glasses of wine with lemonade, 3 nights a week and I don't usually drink through the week at all. I know he'll understand though when I tell him that I don't want to drink. I'm just overreacting!

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 09/05/2022 09:50

Talk to him about it. If you can't he's not the guy for you. If you can, you can find a way around this.

Original poster
Onenineninezero · 09/05/2022 09:50

ijustcouldntthinkofausername · 09/05/2022 08:12

OP don't give up at the first hurdle.
You need to have a word with yourself! Find some will power and if he's that great then that should be enough to make this work.

If you're a gin drinker then just have tonic water. If you're a lager drinker then just have 0% lager drink, all bars do them.

Don't give something good up before you've even tried.

Good luck OP

Thank you!

I'm just going to tell him as I walk in rather then him just getting me a drink. Down to communication on my part isn't it! I'll speak to him about it tonight.

OP posts:
heavyistheheed · 09/05/2022 09:57

If you're feeling anxious it might be best to send off a text to him so you don't have to say anything g face to face like

Morning! Ooh feeling a little delicate this morning, I've noticed I'm definitely drinking more nowadays, my liver is not happy! Thinking of going alcohol free during the week - how are your mocktail making skills? Smile

aSofaNearYou · 09/05/2022 10:00

You keep repeating that you aren't a heavy drinker but I would have no issue at all just ordering a flat drink if I didn't want alcohol. Either you have more of a dependency than you care to admit or you are definitely overreacting.

Original poster
Onenineninezero · 09/05/2022 19:33

I just got back from talking to him. He felt awful and was apologising but it's not his fault at all. I told him I should of mentioned it sooner but I didn't realise myself really till last night! He said that we can go grab a coffee or go for a walk or something instead of going into the bar each time. And he'll get me a coke unless I ask otherwise if I do go into the bar. He also said it will give us a chance to move things forward more. So I'm glad I had the conversation as I think we was both alot more clearer on alot of things! It's made me feel confident in that I can talk to him about things.

He did mention he thought I was going to call it a day and I felt awful cause he is actually a really decent guy. I was just overreacting. So thanks for not letting me waltz in there calling it a day and losing someone decent because I was being an idiot. ❤️

OP posts:
Original poster
Onenineninezero · 09/05/2022 19:37

aSofaNearYou · 09/05/2022 10:00

You keep repeating that you aren't a heavy drinker but I would have no issue at all just ordering a flat drink if I didn't want alcohol. Either you have more of a dependency than you care to admit or you are definitely overreacting.

I did actually think about this. Whether I do or could potentially have an issue with alcohol. So that's why I want to take control of it now and cut it right back before it becomes regular. But besides this, I only ever really drank a couple times a month but when I was younger, I mean teenage and early 20s, I did binge drink alot and I just didn't want to get back in that habit again.

OP posts:
tomatoandherbs · 09/05/2022 20:09

Onenineninezero · 09/05/2022 19:33

I just got back from talking to him. He felt awful and was apologising but it's not his fault at all. I told him I should of mentioned it sooner but I didn't realise myself really till last night! He said that we can go grab a coffee or go for a walk or something instead of going into the bar each time. And he'll get me a coke unless I ask otherwise if I do go into the bar. He also said it will give us a chance to move things forward more. So I'm glad I had the conversation as I think we was both alot more clearer on alot of things! It's made me feel confident in that I can talk to him about things.

He did mention he thought I was going to call it a day and I felt awful cause he is actually a really decent guy. I was just overreacting. So thanks for not letting me waltz in there calling it a day and losing someone decent because I was being an idiot. ❤️

What did you actually say? You were worried that you were drinking too much and the temptation to do so was something you were struggling to control?

And why did he feel guilty? He wasn’t pressurising you to drink? You’re a grown woman and you were struggling to restrict.

tomatoandherbs · 09/05/2022 20:09

How long have you been with him?

heavyistheheed · 09/05/2022 20:42

He sounds sweet Smile

ijustcouldntthinkofausername · 12/05/2022 18:06

Onenineninezero · 09/05/2022 19:33

I just got back from talking to him. He felt awful and was apologising but it's not his fault at all. I told him I should of mentioned it sooner but I didn't realise myself really till last night! He said that we can go grab a coffee or go for a walk or something instead of going into the bar each time. And he'll get me a coke unless I ask otherwise if I do go into the bar. He also said it will give us a chance to move things forward more. So I'm glad I had the conversation as I think we was both alot more clearer on alot of things! It's made me feel confident in that I can talk to him about things.

He did mention he thought I was going to call it a day and I felt awful cause he is actually a really decent guy. I was just overreacting. So thanks for not letting me waltz in there calling it a day and losing someone decent because I was being an idiot. ❤️

@Onenineninezero ☺️ so happy for you.
He sounds like a keeper! ❤️❤️

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