Husband threw phone on the bed while baby was lying on it

[Tooscaredtotellanyone]

We have been married for 24 years. Married quite young and my husband has been physically abusive towards me before and after marriage. I continued nonetheless believing it was my fault etc. He stopped physically abusing me physically 2-3 years after our marriage. But I have been financially dependent on him ever since.

We have a teenage daughter who has thankfully never witnessed him being physically abusive towards me but we do have major arguments in front of her for various (silly) reasons. I try my best not to lose my temper but soMetimes I just can’t take it.

We now have a 4 month old baby. We are new to this country. My husband has taken up a hobby and is out on two evenings in a week for practice and the entire Saturday for playing matches. He often goes for another sport too one weekday evening. Then he’s generally exhausted on Sundays and wants to relax.

I am feeling alienated in this place now and don’t have many friends around.

Today morning we had a small argument and he threw his mobile phone on the bed. My 4 month old baby boy was on the bed but he didn’t hit it at him. I am not sure whether I Should report this to someone because what if the phone had hit my tiny baby! There was no reason for him to have such an outburst. At that moment I didn’t think too much of it but now I feel I should do something.

My daughter was using her headphones so she’s completely oblivious but she’s a smart, intuitive child and she knows something’s up.

I don’t know what to do and hence I am rambling here. If anyone has any suggestions about whether I should report this to someone please let me know.

I don't think throwing the phone is a problem, I don't think there's anything to report.

The rest, though, does need attention. Have you told him you struggle him being out so much? What about you taking up something to give you time out on your own?

I suggest you talk to women's aid, not about the phone and the baby particularly, but about your overall situation.

I don't think tossing a phone onto a double bed with a baby in it is particularly risky. Throwing it in a rage at or towards the baby is risky.

The previous physical abuse and the ongoing coercive control are a problem that you need help with. Also, your daughter is being exposed to domestic violence, which is abusive in itself.

I may be reading too much into your post. I assumed that you were isolated because he has moved you away from family and friends, and vulnerable because he controls the money.
Do you have enough money for things you need for yourself and the children?
Can you go out when you want to, and see friends?
Does he help parent the children?

How much of an outburst and phone throw was it?

Yes if he wasnt in a rage and just tossed or dropped the phone down on the bed, nowhere near the baby and it landed sort of directly in front where your DH was standing then it’s nothing to report.

But if he just threw the phone wildly across the room in a rage and it landed anywhere near the baby, then that is something to report as it’s a loss of control and complete disregard for the child’s safety. The fact the phone did not actually hit the baby was just pure luck, and the baby or you or your teen may not be so lucky next time. Especially if the baby noticed the phone landing near him as well, that will have caused distress. Throwing objects is domestic violence, whether they hit a person or are a near miss. It’s the violence and distress of the danger that makes it abusive.

You can't report him for throwing a phone which didn't hit the baby, but you do need to leave him.

There hasn't been any physical abuse for 20 odd years, so if anyone has earned the title 'changed man' it would be him. As far as could've might've, well it didn't. He wasn't aiming for the baby, and nothing actually happened. So you're being a bit OTT.

So you're being a bit OTT

wow

Did the phone really miss the baby?

He threw the phone in anger; it bounced on the bed and dropped. It didn’t hit the baby but landed close.

The thing is he’s such a charmer, everyone thinks I am so lucky to have him as my husband. Only I know how he ruins my special days. Even when I was pregnant with my son he would argue and fight over silly reasons. To the outside world he’s the perfect husband.

No he hasn’t used the move to isolate me. This was a joint decision. But I am feeling the pinch now especially with the tiny baby

This is why I’d never ever ever stay with someone if they were abusive even once - my past experience has taught me it’s not worth it. Small things are magnified and reflected through your fear of a man who has hurt you in the past.

Regardless of the fact that he doesn’t hit you any more, he has done in the past. Like a dog that once bit you - you will always flinch if that dog moves quickly towards you. The relationship is toxic. If I was you I’d look for a way out and get away from all these arguments and ‘outbursts.’

I just feel the need to put this incident on record some where as in the past I just let go of so many instances of physical abuse. But when it comes to my children I can’t.

There's nothing to report. Nobody will log a report of a man throwing a phone onto the bed and it bouncing close to the baby.

But if your baby isn't safe you need to leave.

I just want to know from other couples on here if their OH resorts to name calling etc during fights. My DH called me a whore yesterday and he’s called me a bitch sometimes. He will also tell me to leave the house and go to my parents home when we have fights. That hurts me a lot and I have told him
not to do that whenever things have cooled down. But yesterday he again told me to leave.
i am still so hurt and upset. I don’t know what to do

It doesn’t matter if other people are in abusive relationships. You should leave this relationship because it’s a horrible one. Other people saying they are or aren’t in horrible relationships is irrelevant.

Do you always excuse violent men?

1. Of course some other people are also in abusive relationships. That doesn't make it any more ok that you're in one. Some people are raped regularly by their partners - does that make it any more ok? Of course not.

1. My DH called me a whore yesterday and he’s called me a bitch sometimes. If my partner called me a whore once, I would leave him. That isn't hyperbole, it's honesty. Men who call women whores are misogynists. It is such a gendered insult designed to demean and humiliate.

I'm going to be brutally honest here.

You have kids.

Your children are growing up in an abusive home.

You are complicit in them growing up in an abusive home if you stay with this man.

The longer you stay with this man, the more likely it is that if they are girls they will end up with men who throw things at them and call them a whore. If you have boys the longer you stay with this man, the more likely they will end up throwing things at their partner and calling them a whore.

Abusive homes are one of the ways a next generation of abusers and victims are created and the cycle continues.

You owe it to your kids to give them a childhood that doesn't involve living in an abusive home.

Let that empower you to end this relationship.

@Tooscaredtotellanyone how horrible for you.
Speak to your health visitor. They will be able to signpost you for support.

Despite the idiots excusing violence on here, it isn’t ok. It’s never okay. You and your children are at risk and deserve so much more than this.

@TabithaTittlemouse

That poster really, really doesn't respect or like women very much as evidenced on other threads so it's disappointing but entirely unsurprising to see them pop up on this one to tell a woman in an abusive relationship that wanting to protect her baby is 'OTT'.

It's just luck that the baby wasn't hit. He is abusive and you should leave. You already know he's capable of violence.

What a vile comment. Get lost.

Op... disregard this post...its nonsense

Ah! A regular arsehole then!

No one is going to say that his behaviour overall is acceptable. This incident in isolation wouldn't register with me, but I don't have an abusive husband.

Ok, so he is abusive. He was abusive. He still is.
He's verbally abusive and tells you to leave when he's angry.

I'm guessing you work quite hard at avoiding making him angry?

He throws things in anger. It's only a matter of time before he does in fact hit you or your baby.

You do need to leave. Things often get worse when women have a baby as they are more vulnerable and he thinks he can get away with it as it's harder to leave.

OP,

There are a lot of minimising posts here. It sounds like the physical abuse stopped but the emotional and mental abuse continued. Having blazing rows in front of your children is a safety concern, and I am not being OTT. AS is emotional and mental abuse. If you do not feel safe please ring Women's Aid or the equivalent in the country you are in. Something snapped in you this time. Please take care of yourself.