Is there hope or am I kidding myself?

[Spectacles78]

Back for some advice/opinions again.
I posted last week about my DP leaving because he struggled living with my DD (age 23, not his but he’s been in my life since she was 15)
I don’t know how to link to my previous post so I will try to summarise.
he left because he can’t live with her after another argument. But thinks we should break up because he can’t imagine ever forgiving her behaviour and what he sees as her breaking us up.
I’m a peacemaker and feel it’s possible to mend bridges once the dust has settled. We’ve been together over 7 years and lived together for 2&1/2 years.
we’re still talking by text and a couple of phone calls but haven’t seen each other since he left. (I wasn’t even home when he left)
its normal for him to work away from home so it hasn’t really hit me properly.
I really don’t want to lose him. I love him and he says he loves me , but he still thinks we should part company now rather than prolong the break up.
I want to explore us staying together but living apart as we were before he moved in.
Am I kidding myself?
is he just trying to let me down gently rather than the big dramatic bust up?
i just don’t know what to think anymore.
I can’t bear the thought of him never being in my life anymore. I’m trying not to contact him too much to give him some head space and we have arranged to meet up in a couple of weeks.
my DD has texted and tried ringing him to apologise and he won’t speak to her at all.
it feels wrong to give up without fighting for what between us has been a good solid relationship but I’m worried I’m just giving myself false hope.
I feel constantly sick and anxious.
Any advice from anyone who has been in a similar situation would be great but any advice/support would also help!
it’s hard to talk to anyone in RL. They’re either mad at him or mad at DD!
impartial advice might help.
my good friends supported me through my marriage break up before I met DP, and I don’t want to be that friend that lurches from one break up to another always looking for emotional support!

He can’t forgive her? So what is the alternative? You drop your daughter for him?

well… ok… I guess.

I guess it might depend on what the issues are with dd.

likkiki
I can see why you’d think I meant that.
but that’s is not my intention. I would never choose him or anyone else over my DD. In a straight choice it would always be her.
i suppose I was wondering was if it really would be possible to continue a relationship in the hope that the dust would settle eventually? And they could come to a point where they could at best tolerate each other as a nod to both loving me?

What did your DD do that resulted in him leaving?

Was it one incident or many?

Neolara
His issues are around her maturity and ability to stand on her own two feet and the fact she’s not easy to share a house with (Think teenage type behaviour, not washing up , thoughtlessness using the hot water for a bath without considering others, leaving lights on, not financially contributing as much as she should)
All things I hope one day she will grow out of and she will one day leave home. She’s a very immature 23 year old with some mh issues (what kid doesn’t seem to have them these days?) and I fully admit I’ve ‘enabled’ some of those behaviours.

tony yes it was just one incident over a bath/hot water but the final straw. And I am aware it had been brewing for ages.

We don't know whether your (ex?)partner is serious about the break up or whether he will calm down and explore being together and living apart because we don't know what sort of man he is or what his personality is like.

Regardless of what your daughter has done, if my partner told me they could never forgive my daughter for something and they want to end the relationship I would take them at face value and respect their decision to break up and move on.

In principle, of course it can work for some couples to be together apart but this is when both are willing to do so. Your partner is not. I don't know if he has form to break up in the heat of the moment and change his mind but I would guess that even if you decide to make another go there will be another issue with your daughter and him that will bring you back to this point.

You must know that when you have children, any partner must also accept and get along with your children, too.

Break ups suck but the sooner you accept them the sooner you can move on. Your priority is to your child and no, not all young people have MH issues these days.

I think he should go.

If your DD was your his biological DD, would he get up and leave you because she still lived at home and was a bit immature ?

How long has he had this attitude with her? Did he consider her to be selfish at 16/17/18? (As teenagers usually are)

Have you been trying to smooth things over for a long time, with you walking on eggshells and apologising for your own child’s existence?

Sounds like the relationship has run it’s course.
Hes had enough & he’s lost heart.
He’s letting you down gently by agreeing to meet with you.

I just reread where you (OP) say at 15:15:

"And they could come to a point where they could at best tolerate each other as a nod to both loving me?"

Why would you want someone who merely tolerates your child as your partner and even more importantly why would you inflict someone that you daughter only tolerates on her? This is a person who will play a big part in both your lives and likely be at all family gatherings and events and landmarks?

You can't make everybody get along, much as you'd like and children, adult or not, must come first.

magnolia
I have been walking on egg shells for a while and no I haven’t been ‘apologising’ for my daughter’s existence, I was just trying to keep the peace!
yes he has always considered her behaviour selfish but he also appeared to love her like a daughter!
giveitall I am wondering this too but if that was his agenda it feels really cruel to not just break up with me rather than saying he loves me but can’t see it working. Surely if you don’t love someone you should just be honest?
I am hurting so much right now. I feel like my heart is going to burst. I’m trying to keep busy but it’s so hard.
we do need to see each other to sort some stuff out that needs dealing with. I’m dreading it and longing to see him in equal measure.

didisharma I understand what you’re saying but not everyone gets along in real life do they? I don’t get on with my sister in law but I tolerate her at family gatherings etc for the sake of my parents and brother?
I realise my child is slightly different. I guess I just hoped thee was a way forwards. I struggle to imagine him not in my life ever again.

I remember your other post, and I'm sorry, but I understand why your partner left. He's sick to fucking death of your daughter's immature behaviour. She's entitled, lazy, and shockingly disrespectful. In your previous post you even admit how your daughter manipulates you. I wouldn't live with her, either.

Of course you can't choose between them, but this is the consequence of an untenable situation.

I wouldn't forgive anyone who was such a prick to my daughter.
He says she's immature but won't acknowledge her apology? He's a twat.

‘He has always considered her behaviour selfish but he also appeared to love her like a daughter!’

It’s unrealistic to think that someone meeting a partner’s DC at age 15 will love them in that way.

You want to continue to live with your DP and to parent your adult, resident DC as you wish. That’s not possible as he is unwilling to live with you on that basis; and doesn’t want to revert to living apart. Assuming you don’t want to ask your DC to move out, which would seem unfair to her. breaking up seems sensible.

Aqua I understand why he left too.. I am not blaming him for leaving at all , I just wanted it not to be the end…
girlmom you are of course quite right! He’s being just as immature!

She's 23 therefore not a child unless her MH issues are severe? Is she ever likely to be independent?

Your ex might or might not have had reasonable concerns as regards your adult DD’s behaviour and your parenting choices. Not the main thing now with respect to your and his relationship, as he’s decided to end the relationship.

Spot on, Aquamarine, from another poster who remembers this from before

Naturally it's right to put our DCs first, even though she's now a full adult, but worse perhaps than the behaviour is that OPs said quite frankly that she enables her.
We all make choices - yes, even the men - and sadly this has clearly run its course because there's only so much we can all tolerate

A shame, but there it is

Guess I just have to man up then and accept the relationship is really over ! And there is no hope or point in trying to keep it going.
Deal with my heartbreak and then deal with my daughter.

As there was lots of incidents it sounds like this is the straw that broke the camels back and he simply has had enough and not the strength to care anymore.

I would prepare for it to be over. Heart break is not nice so will take time but I can’t see you both coming back after this (I read your previous thread)

Deal with my heartbreak and then deal with my daughter

That sounds very wise, OP - look after yourself during this sad spell and then think about encouraging her into better ways, not only for your sake but especially for hers since her current entitlement won't get her far in coping in the wider world

And what happens when she suddenly announces she is leaving home to live with friends? What then ?

I would not live in a situation whereby someone in the house was selfish and entitled. My guess is your daughter did on occasions do things to deliberately wind up your partner maybe she has never liked him and wanted him gone. Well now he has gone and will probably never return because who wants to live in a house where every day there seems to be a fight. Accept he has gone and so is your relationship. As for him not taking her calls I don't blame him it would be words not action.