Constant sadness

[FuckThisShit123]

I am trying so so hard to be positive and happy (which in itself is a load of bollocks isn't it? If you have to try you're not happy). I've lost loads of weight, I'm more active, I've taken up a bunch of new hobbies, I'm using St John's Wort tablets, I'm going back to college to try to obtain a professional qualification. But it's all bullshit. It's all just a consolation and getting on with it. I've had the worst love life in the world. I'm broken. The first left me for another woman and had a baby with her. The second (who was truly an absolute monster) gaslighted the shit out of me for two years then fucked off back to his ex and married her. I was still in my early 20s and developing at that point, I'd eat the fucker alive if I met him now. I stayed single for 7 years after that gem. Changed completely, developed boundaries and turned into a woman who took zero shit from anyone. Then the third - who was a friend for 15 years and who I trusted more than anyone else on the planet - let me down as well. I won't go into the details but it has absolutely crucified me. I'm still shell-shocked two years later. I won't talk about it to any of my friends in real life because it's so embarrassing for me to feel this way. How fucking lacking in self respect does one have to be to allow cunty insensitive men to make me feel this low? They're just men. They're just human beings with cocks. Everyone thinks I'm fine. Everyone thinks I'm over it all. Am I fuck. I drank so much alcohol last year I'm amazed I didn't die. The only credit I'll give myself is I completely disowned the third man instantly. On the couple of times he tried to contact me after "the event" - which pathetically I still have nightmares about - I refused to talk to him and never will again. I'll never do a Pick Me dance. Anyone who hurts me or undervalues me can fuck off permanently. But I didn't want this. I loved him. He was my best mate. I thought we were a team. I can't believe he's not in my life anymore. I was with another guy for a bit last year but I ended it because I felt nothing for him in that way and I was in the midst of a horrific breakdown due to the above and other issues I won't bore you with. I've tried to date since but I've no interest in scrolling through 500 twatty online profiles to find one decent guy who I probably won't even like anyway. Not because of some emotional hang up on the ex but because I'm an introverted arsehole who gets irritated with 99% of the population. I can be alone, I love my own company and I've got a beautiful house and strong financial system, I'm well respected at work. All that "learning to be by yourself" bollocks I ticked that box years ago. I don't even want that much from a relationship other than a bit of reassurance. But it really is most inconvenient for me that on the very few occasions in my nearly 40 years I've been stupid enough to love someone they have chucked me away to love someone better. I hate myself for thinking of my past so much when nobody is thinking about me. Even writing all this is a compliment to them, but fuck it. I need to rant. I know nobody is worth this. Nobody is worth crying over. But I feel like a human stepping stone. I feel like whenever I get close to anyone they just see me as something to play with or practise on until they find someone "real". I'm never good enough. I'm "amazing" and "fun" but only as a FWB apparently. A great laugh. A good time. But not a partner. Is it because I'm not needy enough? Could it be they don't see me as a proper adult because I don't want children? Am I not taken seriously enough because the only responsibilities I have are financial ones not childcare etc? I cried so much last night I'm surprised the neighbours haven't pushed a leaflet through the letterbox for the samaritans. As I say I am trying, really trying to live healthily and positively. But I've fallen off the wagon this last couple of weeks. This sadness, shock and trauma follows me around everywhere. I can't get rid of it. It's like a piece of ugly jewellery I can't take off. Am I really this lacking in self respect to have let another person who didn't even deserve me in the first place cause so much damage? Is there a way for me to untangle this without referring to counselling? Do you just have to accept there are some things you never fully recover from? Thanks for reading and sorry for being such a massive twat.

Sat here reading this and so much of it could be me writing it, and after being stood up by a guy I quite liked last night I also hit the wine. I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. I don't have anything hugely constructive to say other than unless you're completely adverse to counselling I think you would benefit from it. I started early this year and it's been so helpful, it's not a quick fix but it's helped me to realise what I deserve and how to deal with things when they go wrong as they did for me yesterday. Yes I hit the wine but I kept my emotions under control for the first time probably in my life. Unresolved trauma has a huge impact on us mentally and physically and I think some professional help would help you unpick it and start to move forward.

Thanks for your response. I would just find it SO embarrassing to need counselling because of the behaviour of others

@FuckThisShit123 while I don't find it embarrassing I do begrudge handing over money I can ill afford to spend just because people are wankers. That said I'd rather do that than waste my limited time on this earth being stuck in the same loop giving head space to undeserving people. I see it as a treat to myself, to make me a stronger person so I don't allow those kinds of people to spend long enough in my life again to affect me. It's a true saying that we can't control other people's behaviour but we can control how we react to it. Counselling has helped me so much to put this in to practice. I hope you find a way through however you decide to go about it.

I could've wrote this myself.

This sounds like me 3 and a half years ago when my last relationship broke up.
I'm only now starting to feel better about myself.
I also went through a phase of anger where I was annoyed with myself for not having the self-respect to get rid of the fucker earlier.
It does get better - it really does. But it takes a lot of time.

I spent some time trying OLD and thinking about where I could meet someone new etcetc. OLD was just full of time-wasters or fuckwits wanting pictures of my tits or wanting blowjobs or whatever.
And then I got to thinking - why the absolute fuck would I ever want a man again when all they do is cause utter mayhem, damage your self-esteem and make a mess in your nice house. And waste your time not showing up when they've agreed to when you could have been doing something else.
I appreciate there are some decent men out there but for me, personally, I do not see what the point of one is. I do not want children and never have and I'm 45 now anyway. That would be the only reason I could see for having one. I am financially independent with my own mortgage-free small place which is easy to clean and maintain.

I have hobbies and passions in life. But it's taken me 3 and a half years to recover from the last relationship and finally to make peace with being single and to accept that this (despite societal expectations) is the right path for me and that there is so much joy in doing the work I do and the free time I have.

You will get there too.

I could’ve written a lot of this myself. Thought about counselling but not sure how much help it would be at this stage in my life. 🤷🏾‍♀️

I will never, ever ever recover from this. Even my Mum has admitted so.

My five-year relationship ended 15 months ago when he told me he'd never loved me. I've been heartbroken, angry, felt he'd wasted my time, felt used etc. I've spoken to a counsellor 4 times and it's been a big help. I'm doing much better now, am not crying over him or anything, but am still not over it completely and he comes into my head every day, and I started to suffer from anxiety, but I've joined a hobby club recently, which is a good distraction. I don't bother friends or family if I'm having a down day still as I feel everyone probably thinks I should be over it after 15 months - so good to know I'm not alone. I'm getting there but it's slow.

I could have written this. My third ltr is crumbling, I feel like everyone thinks it's me.

I am done with relationships, never ever again will I give anybody the power to destroy and hurt me again!!!

It hurts doesn't it? Yes a relationship doesn't define us. But is it really too much to ask to have a special someone to look forward to seeing? To sit on a balcony sharing a bottle of wine with and watching the world go by and having a laugh? I feel heartbroken 💔

Not sure what you mean here.

Are you saying you think people who need/go for counselling are embarrassing?

Do you think you’re better than them?

It hurts doesn't it? Yes a relationship doesn't define us. But is it really too much to ask to have a special someone to look forward to seeing? To sit on a balcony sharing a bottle of wine with and watching the world go by and having a laugh? I feel heartbroken 💔

Totally. I gave my everything to this 10 year relationship and it took me so much to trust again. I feel like I'm being judged as it's yet another failed relationship but it really isn't of my doing!
Unless you've been cheated on you will never understand the pain and trauma.

I can hear how angry you are- its coming through the screen and whilst I dont blame you for feeling that way, anger often covers up fear. I imagine that you are actually feeling a LOT of fear right now and I think the way you are referring to yourself isnt helping.

You are using words like "I will never get over this" and its "so embarrassing to need counselling" and "pathetically, I still have nightmares about it". So, youve already described yourself as embarrassing, pathetic and you'll never recover. Is it then any wonder you feel fearful and angry, lost and down?

You are NONE of those things and I think for starters you need to start affirming your own worth to yourself. Forget men for now, just focus on re-building yourself and your own self esteem and part of that involves speaking kind things about yourself and affirming that you are worthy and valuable and loveable and that you care about YOU. Once you start feeling confident about your own self worth you will naturally attract men who value you.

I am quite sure what Ive said will make you feel angry and thats ok- its a defensive mechanism. But it also doesnt mean that what Ive said is untrue. Its NOT your fault that you were treated so badly, but it IS your responsibility to allow yourself to heal and to treat yourself with kindness and hope going forward. I really, really hope that you can see that within yourself as you deserve to heal from this and to meet someone lovely who treats you with kindness and respect.

I don't think I'm better than anyone. If anything I think everyone is better than me. By "behaviour of others" I just mean shit relationships and untrustworthy men - who are not worth it. I'm just pissed off that my heart won't take my head's advice. Sorry if I'm not articulating myself very well.

Why do you think most people are in counselling though? Don’t you think it’s precisely because they too have been hurt by other people at some point in their lives?

You sound to be really hard on yourself. It sounds like you think that you should be “strong” and not have these feelings, not feel as bad as you do. But it’s normal and human to be hurt. Just as you’re not better than anyone else, neither are others better than you - you’re just a normal person, like everyone else.

But I think you’ve got the idea from somewhere that it makes you weak or inadequate to admit that these relationships gone wrong have really hurt you.

I’m not saying that counselling is a cure all - there are some pretty crap counsellors out there apart from anything else - but I think it’s worth you reconsidering your attitudes here.

If you were hit by someone driving a car badly, and had a broken leg, would you feel embarrassed that you needed medical attention because of their behaviour? Too embarrassed to go to hospital? I doubt it! Because you wouldn’t place a value judgment on yourself for having been hit by that car, you wouldn’t judge yourself for having a broken leg.

Try to see your emotional injuries in the same way. Try not to judge yourself for being vulnerable, for wanting to be loved. These are normal human attributes. Nothing to be ashamed of.

Honestly go to therapy. Ideally once every week or two for at least 6 months. There's a lot going on in your OP and it's not all rational.

Therapy is an investment in yourself. It gives you a safe place to vent. Don’t be embarrassed. Do you think anyone gets through this life without some scars? You’ve had normal relationships. You’re not odd. Relationships end. It’s ok. They married other people. That’s normal. Every one of my exes has married someone else and got kids.
part of life is knowing how to be resilient and move on. It’s tricky to know how to advise you because we don’t know the “event” you talk about. Did you catch him with someone else? I think you’d really benefit from talking this through with someone.

I can relate to much of this too. I've had 2 long term relationships in my life and both men treated me like dirt (and I blame myself because I 'allowed' them which is wrong). I've dated since and because now I tolerate zero crap, they don't last because I end up losing any tolerance for them. I've recently been ghosted by someone who I actually thought might be a nice guy - so that has set back my opinion of men even further. I do think therapy counselling will help though. Its not about the men, its about you. I attended a few sessions a couple of years ago and just having someone listen can be really helpful.

I'm just pissed off that my heart won't take my head's advice

Your heart is meant to be the one advising. Your head is only supposed to moderate your behaviour, so that you respect your heart without disrespecting others.

You're upset because you feel sad. You feel bad about yourself. You feel you've let yourself down. You feel, you feel, you feel. And yet you are trying to fix it by thinking things. You can't think yourself into happiness. You can have all the things in the world you think would make you happy, and still be sad. You need to allow your heart to be itself. Allow yourself to have your feelings. Allow yourself to express them. I bet it felt good to detail everything in your OP, didn't it? Good to express it, even though it all feels shit?

@Watchkeys it did x

Well, that's good, then. That means that expressing your feelings is something you can do to make yourself feel better. And you didn't even have to say it to anybody you knew, so no harm has been done at all.

Can you write everything down? I mean, write a sort of journal, where you pick an event from your childhood that upset you, and write it all down, all the things you feel? I did this, and after I started, I had to go out and buy a red pen. There were a lot of capitals, and a lot of zigzag underlining: I was VERY angry. But, it did feel good to get it all somewhere that wasn't inside my head. Somewhere that was in the world. Even just a bit of paper in my pad. I had to express a lot of anger, and after a while, I calmed down.

Maybe you could try that? At least it would help you to focus on what is actually making you feel so bad?

How are you doing OP?