Is it me or am I just not that into him?

[Workingitout2]

I’ve been divorced just over 2 years following an awful breakdown of my marriage where my ex husband was having multiple affairs for our a year. Our youngest son was only 1 at the time.
I tried online dating about a year after our separation and met a lovely man. We have been ‘dating’ since then, so I guess around a year and a half.
Since the beginning I have told him I want to keep my relationship very separate from my family life (my children stay with my ex 2 nights a week) and as our relationship has progressed I have not wanted him to meet my children or my family really. I hoped with time my feelings would change but they haven’t.
I do love him in ways and he is very kind and caring but I’ve just had doubts since the beginning. For example When he texts me nice messages I cringe a bit and don’t really want to hear it. He wants to plan a holiday for later in the year but I would rather go away with my friends.
I’ve told him my doubts and he said he’s happy to go at my pace. I feel like maybe I’m just not ready for a relationship (which is ironic as I am in one). I’m still very hurt over my ex husband. On the other hand, I wonder is this new guy maybe just not the right one for me? I’ve only had my 10 year marriage in terms of experience so dating someone nice but who just mightn’t be right for you is something I’m so unfamiliar with.
my dream would be to meet someone and fall in love and spend my life with them but I have such reservations about blending families etc or even just introducing someone to my young children. But maybe the right one would change this?
I also feel like I have no time to myself, my 2 ‘free’ nights are spent with him which means I rarely get to see other friends or family.
I’m rambling now…any perspective would be appreciated

I should add. When I see him, we do have a nice time but it can fee a bit of a chore at times. If I wanted to go to a concert etc I would like to do those things with him sometimes. And I don’t just see him as a friend, it is definitely a romantic connection. I know people may say just enjoy it for what it is but I know he wants this to be really serious and I know deep down my heart isn’t in it, despite those good points

I think your instincts are saying that he isnt 'the one' and you need to trust them. You may have simply rebounded too early. You need to perhaps live by the mantra that you should regret what you do, not what you dont. It sounds like you want to live a little before settling down again and thats perfectly understandable.

You sound as if you want to take a break at least.

It shouldn't feel like a chore, be honest with yourself are you with him to avoid being alone?

I would hate to find out the boyfriend considered spending time with me 'a chore' at times.

If he's saying he's happy to go at your pace, can you specify to him what your pace is from what you've said here? Your pace is the occasional event, and not his version of plans every night you are free. It sounds like a lot for someone getting out of a marriage who doesn't want a relationship!

I know. I would hate to be in his shoes. I don’t think it’s fair on him me feeling like this nor fair on myself.
i sometimes feel like it’s just another responsibility I have in a long list of responsibilities and I have no time for myself

of course it is possible for someone to be perfectly nice but you’re just not into them. It doesn’t sound like you have much of a romantic connection with him, which is fine, but you need to do the decent thing and end it if you know he wants things to become more serious. If the person suited you, it wouldn’t feel like this.

He obviously isn't the one for you which is fine if he's happy with a casual relationship that you both enjoy. However it sounds like he will expect more at some point which you will not want .
You probably fell into a rebound relationship because he is so nice and it's gone on longer than it should have . Maybe after a long term marriage and the hurt you experienced you would benefit from going out with a few different people and really see who's out there and what you really want / need from someone .
Better to be alone than settle for something that's not quite right no matter how nice he is .

Thanks for all your responses.
It’s a strange feeling to me to actually like someone but also feel like this isn’t for me. That’s what makes me wonder if it’s more a case of timing (as in I need more time to feel ready) rather than him himself.
Either way, I know it’s not right for me and I spend far too much time thinking this than is probably normal.
i don’t worry about being alone really but I probably would feel a bit lonely but I think I need to actual allow myself to feel that.

Yep, he’s not the one. Always trust your instincts.

It’s strange because on paper he has all the qualities I would like (that i can see we’re missing from my marriage) but I’m just not feeling it

It’s strange because on paper he has all the qualities I would like (that i can see we’re missing from my marriage) but I’m just not feeling it

He isn't the right one for you and the relationship he wants to have is not right for you at the moment either, so it's time to end things and let him find someone else who is a better match for him.

I’ve told him my doubts and he said he’s happy to go at my pace

And don't let him use the "happy to go at your pace" card either. Because your pace is basically non-existent because he/the relationship is not right for you and never will be.

eeek, I want to end it with him tonight but am so nervous. I’ve actually ‘broke up’ with him twice before but each time he has talked me round saying things like not to worry how he is feeling, that he’s happy to go at my pace etc and he’s been so upset that both times we have agreed to a much less serious arrangement but it’s ended up right back where it was. I wish I could just text him and be done with it but I know I owe him a face to face chat, he just gets so upset and I really don’t want to hurt him but I know I need to do this