Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

When do you introduce young kids to partner?

25 replies

Ohsoworried · 07/05/2022 22:34

Just a general question as I'm nowhere near that stage (two dates in so may not go anywhere). I'm more curious as I've dated a couple of guys for 4/5 months before ending things but never introduced to 3yo. They suggested it but never felt comfortable with it. Maybe because deep down I didn't feel like they were the right person for me. What's the norm with introducing young kids? I always thought around 6 months but my mum thinks that's way too long. Finding it all very confusing!

OP posts:
WarrickDavisAsPlates · 07/05/2022 22:40

To me six months sounds very short. I wouldn't even mention that I was seeing someone until past 6 months.

I'd probably say between 18 months and two years before introducing someone, but even then it'd depend on a lot of things as I'm very cautious about who I introduce into my family life.

SausagePourHomme · 07/05/2022 22:46

WarrickDavisAsPlates · 07/05/2022 22:40

To me six months sounds very short. I wouldn't even mention that I was seeing someone until past 6 months.

I'd probably say between 18 months and two years before introducing someone, but even then it'd depend on a lot of things as I'm very cautious about who I introduce into my family life.

agree

OrlandointheWilderness · 07/05/2022 22:51

We waited about 8 months to introduce each other to kids, however our children are older (10+11) and understand more that sometimes relationships don't last.

Original poster
Ohsoworried · 07/05/2022 22:59

Really? 18 months seems such a long. Imagine being 18 months in and introducing them then realising he is really shit with kids or it doesn't work.

OP posts:
RiaOverTheRainbow · 07/05/2022 23:12

At 3 I don't think how old the relationship is matters too much. Presumably the introduction would be very low-key, and from ds's perspective no different to meeting any other of mummy's friends. He won't notice if he meets the bf once or twice then doesn't see him again, but if things keep going well you can slowly increase the time the three of you spend together.

rainbowandglitter · 07/05/2022 23:30

Most people usually wait 6 months ish here. I don't know anyone that's waited 18 months.

Rtmhwales · 07/05/2022 23:32

rainbowandglitter · 07/05/2022 23:30

Most people usually wait 6 months ish here. I don't know anyone that's waited 18 months.

Agree. I also wouldn't want to date someone long term who didn't click with my kid. No point dating 2 years to find out they're absolutely shit around kids or can't stand them in reality. I don't see why 6-9 months and casual meet ups are so bad.

PumpkinsandKittens · 07/05/2022 23:33

18m - 2 years? Wow, I find it pointless asking this on MN as you get very extreme opinions on how long you should wait, never heard of anyone waiting 2 years, 6m is about right don’t know why your mum thinks that’s too long? What would she prefer 6 weeks?!

HisShirtLooksBetterOnMe · 07/05/2022 23:33

At least 18 months. You don’t know someone after 6 months.

StarDolphins · 07/05/2022 23:39

I would also wait 12-18 months then it would be very slow introductions. I have to be sure I like this person & personally wouldn’t be after 6 months.

Bednobsbroomsticks · 08/05/2022 08:32

Not single but yes I'd waif a year. Its not so much the partner it's more if it doesn't work out after say 5 months and they already met your child then you date again it's another partner and so on. The longer the time the less chance of more men being around

Bednobsbroomsticks · 08/05/2022 08:33

But also yes you have to know the guy well first and a year is long enough usually to know if they are sane

PetersRabbitt · 08/05/2022 08:37

I don’t understand why it matters. Why do they have to be introduced as a partner? Why can’t they just be introduced as a friend? Friends come and go. It’s not like your going to introduce them and suddenly they are a step parent…it doesn’t work that way.

id introduce them around 6 months, but just as a friend, I wouldn’t make a big song and dance about it, it would just be John coming over for a coffee type thing.

GetThatHelmetOn · 08/05/2022 08:44

There will be people telling you to wait 6 months, 2 years or until the kids leave the nest. I think this is a mistake.

What have worked for me was to introduce partner and kids early on, once he looked like a keeper, but in a situation where the kids couldn’t notice he was my boyfriend like in parties with other people, bumping in the park with him and his children on several occasions, etc. But we never told them we were together until weeks/months later, when we could see both adults and kids got along well together.

The problem with waiting is that if when you finally introduce the kids to partner/his kids, they are incompatible, it is far more difficult and damaging for everyone to untangle yourself from a more established relationship that doesn’t work for the kids.

ExtraordinaryBehaviour · 08/05/2022 08:50

once he looked like a keeper, but in a situation where the kids couldn’t notice he was my boyfriend

I think this is sensible after six months, first six months to have fun and get to know them. Then the above, friends.

So often you read on here that new boyfriend means new daddy and they put kids to bed, discipine etc as soon as they are in a relationship with the parent.

It is worth remembering that abusers are most often known to the child, and that abusers are normal men hiding in plain sight. Being cautious is best for your child.

GetThatHelmetOn · 08/05/2022 09:01

I think this is sensible after six months, first six months to have fun and get to know them

I would say that it depends on the circumstances as relationships develop at different speeds. I would definitely wait 6 months or even much longer if I only saw the guy once or twice a month. But, if the guy was known to my friends or family, and we were seeing each other several times a week when the kids were with the other parent I would not wait six months.

whiteroseredrose · 08/05/2022 09:02

Not until the first flush of lust has gone and you know them better.

For me it would be at least a year because I've found it takes that long for people to stop being permanently on their best behaviour.

If the relationship is likely to stick, only then arrange for them to meet. As PP said, accidentally bumping in to them takes off any pressure and would be less stressful to DC than a formal introduction.

It also lets older DC say what they really think without knowing the significance.

ElspethBoomingHowsen · 08/05/2022 09:24

I think it completely depends and to me 18 months is a very long time.

myself and my new partner of almost 6 months are having a casual meet with kids for the first time next weekend. We are all going to the same event independently, so it makes sense.

my son is almost 4 and his kids are almost 11 and 13. Our situation is different in that my partner lost his wife a couple of years ago. We have spoken to the bereavement counsellor they all saw and they suggested a meet soon if his kids want to. They do, so we are.

we wouldn’t be living together for at least 3 years due to me being at university and retraining, so it’s going to be a slow and careful process but we both feel the kids need to meet and see how they feel before we make any further steps in our relationship.

everyone is different and we have taken advice but the reality is, it’s right when it’s right for you.

Katjolo · 08/05/2022 09:34

8 months ish

MatchPoint100 · 08/05/2022 16:19

If you been divorced/split recently I think a person should wait longer. If you've been split a year or more I don't see why you can't make introductions sooner but in a gradual way like lunches and days out working up until they spend time at yours to eventually staying the night. If you share custody I see no reason why discretion couldn't be used until it's the right time. They don't ever have to meet your children if you don't want them too. I've been a step dad and I wouldn't want to put anyone through that.

girlmom21 · 08/05/2022 16:26

Maybe because deep down I didn't feel like they were the right person for me.

Then surely the answer is when you feel like they are the right person?

tomatoandherbs · 08/05/2022 16:27

On what grounds can your mother possibly think that 6 months is too long?

Vsirbdo · 08/05/2022 16:32

Mumsnet is weird in that people always say a year plus but in real life most people I know wait until about 6 months. If I still wasn’t sure about someone by 6 months then I wouldn’t be continuing a relationship and you also need to see what someone is like around your children at a certain point

tomatoandherbs · 08/05/2022 16:55

Not weird
just different to the people you know re when to introduce a partner 🤷‍♀️

glukoo · 08/05/2022 17:23

Around 6m I knew I was falling in love and needed to know if it was going to work.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page