It's about listening. Not about pointing out. If my friends said my ex was a dick and I was an idiot for going back I'd have been hurt and defensive. Because when you are being abused you love your abuser. You are confused because they keep changing. It's like being thrown from one wall to the other all time time. My head was screwed because he's drip feed crap into my head so slowly that you don't really notice. My ex would do allsorts of mine games.
He would say things like
"Mums put their lives on hold" (I'm a mum of two small kids)
You look lovely today sweetheart. I like that colour. Better than that black pair you wear (compliment followed by insult)
Why don't you ever curl your hair? (I straighten my hair and his ex used to sometimes curl hers)
You have no confidence sweetheart. I don't mean to sound patronising but I feel like you've never experienced food and going out properly. (In the 18 months I knew him he never took me out or went anywhere himself. Although he did with his ex but he's now in debt and can't afford to live)
He'd say women were messaging him and getting the wrong idea.
He'd say his ex had messaged and we'd jealous of me. But he'd then defend her if I said she was childish etc.
He would torment me with other women. His Facebook had all his brothers exes and his ex wife's sister etc. He messaged all these women. Almost like he was trying to prove he could have what his enemies/cut off family members had.
He'd say he wasn't materialistic but was obsessed with certain brands and made me feel I had to buy certain clothes and look the part. Timberland boots. Expensive jumpers. Whilst suggesting colours he'd prefer me in!
He controlled me through sex. Made out women had traumatised him in the past with oral sex and claimed he hated it. Then months into our relationship he was digging at me because I never gave him one. He would be fine during sex then make me feel bad after. I remember once him complaining that I had held his hands and he felt trapped. Not once did he tell me or ask me to stop. I was being gentle and certainly not kinky. Made me feel ashamed.
He was constantly talked about his last relationship. Bitter. Jealous. Bitchy. Yet he still was texting her. Loads of mind games.
He had met a woman off tinder during the time we was messaging and ditched me for 6 weeks whilst he got involved with her. He kept her on his Facebook then got back in touch with me.
He had messed another woman around and triangulated her with his ex.
He always needed money. Never paid it back. Always lost money. Always had a story. Never seemed to manage financially. Owed loads of debt.
He started screaming at me. Banning me from talking. Swearing at me. Calling me a c u n t. Kicking me out all times of the day and night. To walk home alone. With my bags. He never checked I got back safe even though we'd argued. He was horrible to me. He left me in danger more than once.
Bur in between all this he's cooking. Planning a future. Making promises. Commenting positively on me. Telling me I'm the nicest supportive person he's ever had.
The minute I didn't trust something or needed to know something he would absolutely turn. In the end he was saying he felt uncomfortable around me and was always waiting for me to kick off about something.
The relationship was horrible and damaging yet I strongly loved him and felt he was also into me.
If your friend is going through this don't give her a hard time. Agree with her. Point stuff out. Listen. Be there. Tell her yo promise you she will always tell you what's happening. Then she knows she can sound off.
If you think its physical then perhaps you need to try talk to her family ? It's horrible but just be there.