Not a close relationship with my mum

[CakeLow]

I feel guilty for not having a close relationship with my mum. I believe she's lonely, as she doesn't have too many friends (or a partner - my dad's never been in the picture). When I visit her, I regress to a teenager (when we didn't have very good relationship for many reasons). I recognize it wasn't an easy life for her to be a single mum, but I felt she was quite selfish, especially when I was a teenager.

I don't really miss or need to see her, we don't have a close or a deep relationship. We rarely speak on the phone, and only see once a year (normal times). I don't live in my home country, so visiting her is also expensive, and truth to be told, I would rather spend it on something else. She would want me to visit more or be more in touch, and there are guilt trips when we speak/ visit (crying etc). Does this make me selfish as well? I'm quite happy with my life as it is, and the visits to see her are not something that I look forward to.

Anyone with similar experience, or what has helped you to get over these feelings.

One of the false beliefs society installs in us is that we should and can have good relationships with people we share DNA with. In truth this is not the case and it takes two mature people to have a healthy relationship. Many of us here spent decades in knots because we couldn't achieve the impossible, a warm, accepting relationship with someone who gave birth to us.

Have you thought about talking to a therapist about this op? There's a lot of false guilt around unavailable family members and unpacking it with a trained professional will help immensely in letting go of difficult and unnecessary feelings. Check out the 'We took you to stately homes' thread here in the relationship board too.

Thank you. I've thought of therapist but I'm not very good of opening up. But it's a possibility.

I didn't get on with my mom at all. For many reasons. You don't owe her anything really. As the previous poster says you don't necessarily get on with people you are related to. I did find therapy helpful btw

My relationship with my parents is a hit a miss. Whenever I visit them I also feel like I regress to my teaanage years and I hate. I also hate it that I react to all the needless drama the same way I did then, rather than be able to distance myself from it.

You owe your mom nothing. She chose to have a child and she chose the relationship she has with you. You don't have to pay the price for her decisions anymore.

Can I ask how long/ many times you did therapy?

Yeah I can. My mum didn't do the supportive loving stuff. She's abit guarded. Like an emotional wall up. She'd rather take the pee than give a hug and she would rather throw up than tell you that you look nice. I found her hard work in my twenties. Especially when j became a mum and watched my friends drop their kids of to nannys and my mum just didn't want to have my kids. I felt like I was alone.

She's actually been great recently as I went through an abusive relationship and she had one before. So she could really relate and see where I was coming from. After years of not feeling close to her I feel that's made alot of things right for me. She has stepped up this time.

She will never be my mate but that's ok. I tend to do other stuff to and don't have much interest in visiting. It is what it is. Just do what feels right and don't feel bad. Your mum made her life choices. If she wanted to be more sociable and stuff she could be x

I saw a counsellor most weeks for maybe a year.

I think it depends on the family dynamics. If your mum acts as a parent and treats you like a child then it isn't a healthy adult adult relationship. I have learned this through counselling models i e transactional analysis believes in Adult adult. You cannot be held responsible for her happiness.

I'm posting here from the other perspective. I am the mum and do not feel close to my dd at all she is still only a teen. we do get along but we just are so different and have nothing in common and I don't think its a generation gap issue as I have friends with dds a similar age and they have loads In common and do lots together. I have tried to get involved in her interests but she doesn't seem to want me to. she is much closer to her dad and enjoys his company but they are both very similar personality wise, I do feel quite left out to be honest at times but it is nice to see them together. I honestly can't see us being close and spending a lot of time together when she's an adult but I feel I'm prepared for this to be the case though as it's kind of the way things are now anyway. I've got my dog though who wants to be with me 24/7! As long as she's happy in life il be happy and I'll always be there for her if she needs me.

@BDeyes thank you for your perspective. I wish my mum had similar approach, I wouldn't mind the occasional text but not interested in forcing a relationship