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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I miss my best friend

16 replies

Driftingonawave · 07/05/2022 09:50

I've nc for this as it could be outing and I know she's a mumsnetter!

I've only really got one real friend in the world and I really miss her. We've been friends for 20 years, she's kind, hilarious and we just get each other. I've had some of the best days with her.

I had my two babies close together then covid hit. My marriage is shit and I've just been hiding in a hole for the last three years trying to keep it all together. Working 2 jobs, two toddlers, covid, parents on both sides who need help, a dh who isn't interested, not only not interested but noticeably absent due to hobbies just adds to my workload.

I should have told her but it's just so hard to talk about so I just went silent. Not just with her but everything, my hobbies, social media, less close friends. just feel like I've lost myself, I feel like a shadow of the old me and almost like I'm not going to be fun and free like I used to be.

I was just in the shower and a song came on that is Our Song and it made me tear up. I've got no idea how I got here and how to make it better. I know if I message her she'll be gracious and happy to arrange something, I equally feel like I'd burst into tears if she asks how I am which wouldn't be much fun - which is why I haven't reached out. I can't keep this from her and maintain a friendship but don't want to not have her in my life if that makes sense.

I guess I just wanted to know if anyone has managed to fix something like this or how to start this conversation. I've got no idea what she's going through at the minute so don't want to dump this on her out the blue incase she's having a tough time too.

OP posts:
Mirrorball2022 · 07/05/2022 09:51

Contact her if she truly is as good a friend as you feel, she will want to be there for you.

CPL593H · 07/05/2022 10:04

I lost contact with a really good friend because of stuff that was happening in my life, terrible stressful time but nothing to do with her/our friendship. It always felt too late to try to get in touch. I only found out decades later, after she died, that she had never forgotten me, often spoke about me and hoped I'd make contact (she had no way of knowing where I was) This knowledge is very bittersweet.

I'd contact your friend OP, let her know what's been going on as you've described here. If she is that good a friend she will understand and want to be there for you.

Foodbanksshouldbeobsolete · 07/05/2022 10:08

It is really hard to make that initial contact (and possibly crumple into a pile of tears) but it is so worth it to save a friendship. It sounds like maybe you need to be able to cry to somebody. If she is a good friend, then be honest with her. It sounds like you are not in a happy place, but we don't only get to have friends when we are feeling fabulous and happy, we get to have friends when we feel Crap and everything is awful too. Reach out, don't let this opportunity for reconnecting pass you by. You have been given this song as a gift to the future you to have this person back in Your life.

Divebar2021 · 07/05/2022 10:14

Jesus stop being such an idiot. She’s your friend - in what weird world is it wrong to offload your problems to your buddy? Are you saying if she told you her worries you wouldn’t want to help her? She’s probably wondering what the hell happened to you. Friendships are not just about fun they are so much more than that.

Original poster
Driftingonawave · 07/05/2022 10:21

Thank you for replying, I'd say its been around 3 years since we've had a proper conversation so it does feel a bit strange to me to offload this.

@CPL593H that's what I fear, I'll keep avoiding opening up and miss out on our best years with our kids. I think about her alot too.

@Foodbanksshouldbeobsolete that was a lovely reply thank you.

I know there's only one thing to do but it's daunting

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 07/05/2022 10:23

Think what it would be like if it was her in your situation and you were the one getting the text out of the blue. Would you be pleased or not to hear from her? I’d be amazed if she wasn’t really thrilled to hear from you.

Beamur · 07/05/2022 10:27

Just send her a message. Apologise for the lack of contact. I'd tell her you heard a song that reminded you of her and just wanted to say hello.

Foodbanksshouldbeobsolete · 07/05/2022 10:30

As hard as it is to reach out after this time, it will get harder the longer you leave it. I wouldn't ruminate on it too long, strike while the iron is hot. I am sure at the other side of the fear is joy for you both. You both deserve that joy.

UnsuitableHat · 07/05/2022 10:33

OP it sounds as if you feel guilty about the time that's gone by. I'm just wondering whether she's tried to reach out to you in that time. Have you been blanking her calls and messages, or is it possible that she too might have drifted a bit? Whatever the situation, reconnecting with her definitely sounds worth a try.
I suggest a short message, nothing too emotional, saying that you know things have slipped a bit (or however you'd put it - don't take the blame though) but you've been thinking about her, missing her and wonder if she'd be amenable to a meet-up. See how she responds to that and take it from there.

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 07/05/2022 10:35

Gosh op if you were my friend l would absolutely want you to reach out to me.
Make the call or send the text. Either.

LadyLolaRuben · 07/05/2022 10:43

Go and get you friend OP!
Just tell her you've been through a really difficult time and that you isolated yourself to cope. Tell her you don't want to "dump" on her by going through all the detail or start crying but, it would be great to see her to start coming out the other side. Tell her you've missed her and yourself as you've been a bit lost x

ittakes2 · 07/05/2022 10:49

Op you need to give your head a wobble - if you and her have been such good friends should would want to be there with you in the good and the bad. The fact you think you will cry around her shows you how much she means to you. Don't waste anymore time - give her a call and apologise and explain - you have nothing to lose.

longtompot · 07/05/2022 11:07

Beamur · 07/05/2022 10:27

Just send her a message. Apologise for the lack of contact. I'd tell her you heard a song that reminded you of her and just wanted to say hello.

This is a good opener, saying you heard a song which reminded you of her and how much you miss her and go from there. Good luck!

billy1966 · 07/05/2022 16:06

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 07/05/2022 10:35

Gosh op if you were my friend l would absolutely want you to reach out to me.
Make the call or send the text. Either.

Absolutely this.

Please contact her.

VintageGibbon · 07/05/2022 16:11

Get in touch with her. Tell her about the song and how much you miss her. Without offloading do open up that you have had a tough time recently and it made you withdraw socially but that you miss her.

WorkHardPlayHard1 · 08/05/2022 11:53

JDI. Just do it. You have nothing to lose.

Make a cuppa, sit down, take a deep breath and text or call. Am sure she will be glad to hear from you. Post Covid timescales are all shot to pieces anyway. She could be feeling the same but you'll only find out when you get in touch.

😘#gogirl and tell us what happens xx

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