What to do for the best

[Londoner321]

Being the type of person I am I have stayed in a dead end marriage for the last few years just for the sake of my daughter, but truth is I don't want to be anywhere near my wife, it was over ages ago as far as I'm concerned, think deep down she knows it as well. Longer it goes on the more pissed off I feel, just hard as love my daughter so much, always put her first, at that stage where I wouldn't even bother arguing etc, don't care anymore, just wondered if anyone has been in this position, if there's a light at the end of the tunnel, know only way out is to split up but thought of not being with daughter hurts, especially because she's closer to me, just don't know what to do for the best.

Sounds like it’s time to have “The Talk” with your wife about where you feel the relationship is at and how you’d like to move forwards.

It’s okay for relationships to just run their course and people can split amicably without “bad” reasons but some people stay too long “for the sake of…” children, finances, the lifestyle, whatever and bitterness and resentment starts to grow and the frustration spills out eventually in arguments, stony silences, affairs, or the type of abuse we read about so often on MN.

The lesson you’re teaching your daughter here (because she will sense the distance between you both) is that it’s okay to put up with a relationship that’s passed its sell-by date.

Surely the life lesson to teach her is to respect her feelings, talk about them and take action to improve things or walk away if something’s not right?

My parents stayed together “for the kids” and I sensed it. I would see the way my friends’ parents were with each other and wonder why my parents “weren’t normal like that”. Took a bit of therapy later in life for me to unpick my own behaviour and realise why my bar was set so low in relationships as an adult.
Your daughter shouldn’t be the emotional bargaining tool in this (which is what you’ve made it sound like).

People have happy separate lives and co-parent these days. Don’t get me wrong, there is a period of adjustment for everyone but surely that’s better than all of you feeling bitter, miserable and confused for ever more.

The best thing to do is split up and make sure your DD has a home with both of you.
Make sure she knows when she will see you. And have a way of communicating when she’s not with you, email address or mobile phone.