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Original poster

Ex, Kids & HolidayTogether

17 replies

MatchPoint100 · 07/05/2022 00:27

Split with ex 8 months ago after 12yrs. Not a great break up. Kids are emotional at the moment, not sure if it's the breakup or not, lots of other factors.

Anyway. She just asked me if I wanted to come on holiday with her and the kids.

No desire to be around her AT all, but my son wishes I was coming.

Bad Idea?

If I did I would have to make it clear to the kids that we are not getting back together.

Not a good idea and I need to be told it's not a good idea

OP posts:
clippety clop · 07/05/2022 00:42

Absolute no from me!

Original poster
MatchPoint100 · 07/05/2022 00:46

Thank you. I think it's such a bad idea too, but that's why I'm here...For opinions. I think she is feeling guilty.

OP posts:
SNWannabe · 07/05/2022 00:49

Bad idea and sending mixed messages to your son. He needs help and support to move forward and this won’t help… Perhaps a charity like Gingerbread could be of some help for support for you and your son (other kids too?)

Moodycow78 · 07/05/2022 01:01

No don't do it, you'll all be miserable and it'll be no good for your son.

OhNoWhatYouGonnaDo · 07/05/2022 02:20

It's a terrible idea. It may give your child false hope you'll get back together. It may also confuse you and/or your ex.

Just draw up some firm boundaries. You are separated. You can co-parent amicably without being friends or going on holidays together.

CornishGem1975 · 07/05/2022 06:48

Yeah bad idea. I mean, I've done it but it was pretty early on and only because it was already booked and we'd spent £££. Kids were clear on what it meant.

Xztop · 07/05/2022 08:23

No, I wouldn't! It does give out mixed messages to your son. Could you take him away by yourself? I'd say "sorry insert name here I can't come with you and your mum but we can go away by ourselves if you like?"
Do you think maybe your ex wife is too scared to go alone? I took my dd away for the first time alone last year and I admit to being nervous.

Wannabegreenfingers · 07/05/2022 10:20

Don't do it. It's a terrible idea and confusing for your son.

Flatandhappy · 07/05/2022 10:21

Awful idea, so confusing for the kids, don’t do it!

MrsSkylerWhite · 07/05/2022 10:23

Really bad idea. Kids will see it as hope.

mycatisannoying · 07/05/2022 10:50

No. It absolutely sends a mixed and very confused message to your child.

ChoiceMummy · 07/05/2022 12:22

I wouldn't as it sets the children up for an even bigger hurt when this is unsustainable and not repeated, they'll think that's the norm.

There are couples that do. Sadly I dated a man who did this, and due to what I can only call an almost incestuous involvement with the ex and her family, which some may aspire to, I didn't feel that I could continue to explore dating him. (Other extreme but he babysat her other children, paid for holidays for her, her new man, all of her children and their shared one, his ex pil etc and was constantly at theirs for Sunday roast, quiz nights etc.) His son apparently questioned him as to whether he'd promise never to do tbsie things with a new partner and her family... So as lovely as that may seem, it seems to have set up his child with, imo, really wrong expectations.

Say no.

Plan your own exciting break, involving the children.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 07/05/2022 13:17

Nooooo no a 1000 times no. Way too confusing for your son.

Doesn't she have a new bf anyway? Sounds like a recipe for drama!

Original poster
MatchPoint100 · 07/05/2022 15:44

Had decided no but wanted advice before saying no. Already told her. I think she now realised that they are emotional at the moment and that having a man sleepover 3 months after I left and meeting the kids was a bad decision.

It is not a good idea at all, as much as my kids would love to have me there it would be like appt families again or at least pretending.

OP posts:
StageRage · 07/05/2022 16:03

I think the worst thing is that your Ds would be subject to the inevitable tensions of you spending a week with someone you don’t want to be around “AT ALL”.

There’s no way you could hide it for a whole holiday. You will be miserable, ex will be miserable, child will be miserable.

I do know a family where exes do a joint camping trip each year and it works really well, but they get on excellently as co parents and friends, no confusion for the kids, Mummy now lives and works with a new female partner on a farm where they live, it works for them.

But OP, it definitely won’t work for you atm.

mumieone · 08/05/2022 17:06

Goodnes me! I'm not born a born Brit and I'm saying that because I think this is a very British thing 'going on holiday with the ex FOR THE KIDS'.

Firstly it's absolute nonsense. No partner goes on holiday for the kids unless one likes the other and is hoping to eventually get them back. Kids 'of course' would love it but you are the adults not the kids and they have to go with what the adults have decided what is best.

Absolutely don't go. Sounds very much like your ex is one of these women that is going to try her level best to make sure her ex never ever moves on. It's going to be spending Christmas together FOR THE KIDS. Going to parties/nights out FOR THE KIDS. Sleep overs FOR THE KIDS.

If you go along with this nonsense FOR THE KIDS stuff you will never be able to hold down a relationship. You new parter is not going to like it or trust you and would have every right to start seeing their EX for this that and the other to get you back.

Your ex is very manipulating and knows very well what she is doing. DONT be a soft touch. Toughen up and lead you independent life. Your kids are not moving abroad or to another planet you will see them after their one or two week vacation. Get a grip. Tell her NO

Original poster
MatchPoint100 · 08/05/2022 22:26

mumieone · 08/05/2022 17:06

Goodnes me! I'm not born a born Brit and I'm saying that because I think this is a very British thing 'going on holiday with the ex FOR THE KIDS'.

Firstly it's absolute nonsense. No partner goes on holiday for the kids unless one likes the other and is hoping to eventually get them back. Kids 'of course' would love it but you are the adults not the kids and they have to go with what the adults have decided what is best.

Absolutely don't go. Sounds very much like your ex is one of these women that is going to try her level best to make sure her ex never ever moves on. It's going to be spending Christmas together FOR THE KIDS. Going to parties/nights out FOR THE KIDS. Sleep overs FOR THE KIDS.

If you go along with this nonsense FOR THE KIDS stuff you will never be able to hold down a relationship. You new parter is not going to like it or trust you and would have every right to start seeing their EX for this that and the other to get you back.

Your ex is very manipulating and knows very well what she is doing. DONT be a soft touch. Toughen up and lead you independent life. Your kids are not moving abroad or to another planet you will see them after their one or two week vacation. Get a grip. Tell her NO

Told her no. Never really thought it was a good idea, just wanted thoughts, so that if she made me out to be the bad person I have opinions. I think she is feeling guilty, as for manipulating, yes, I do think she can be that.

I was completely shocked at it, also the cynic in me knows that without me she has to step up. I was the one that made things fun whilst she could just sit back.

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