Anyone with knowledge of PTSD or trauma

[sccradio]

Hello. My partner has PTSD or c-PTSD - I am not sure which but he got it from on going and pretty horrible trauma a couple of years ago. At the time we were just friends, but I was around /supporting him when it happened so I know it was pretty bad.

To anyone who knows about this can they please tell me:

1. Is it normal to direct anger / negative emotions at the here and now? I feel like he is blaming our happy / lovely life and ruining objectively happy times by blaming feeling bad on something relatively innocuous while he seems unable to blame or feel anger at the events which caused the actual PTSD. Is that something he is choosing to do, or is it part of it?

2. He says he can't feel joy and he experiences a lot of fatigue and aches and pains. There's no medical reason. He blames things around him for this, but I knew him years before he had PTSD and he was fine then so I know all this started at the time of the trauma but he won't really acknowledge that. Again, is that part of it?

I am trying not to get angry, but I have been so loving and so supportive and it gets me down that I feel like the lovely life we have, so in love, keeps getting blamed for things which happened when I wasn't even there.

I think he loves me very much, but despite many, many conversations where I have asked him to acknowledge the obvious - which was that he was fine before the trauma - he can't do it. He just keeps saying we need to change something in the here and now to make him feel better, and yet this never works.

He won't get professional help. He acknowledges he has PTSD and it traumatised. He has got much better since we started seeing each other as before he was having full blown flashbacks and so on, but these things have lingered for a year now and I am starting to question my own sanity.

there's a great book Complex PTSD by Pete walker that is well worth a read for him and you. Once you can recognise it you can do something about it. Lots of practical advice too!

I therefore connect the two, but he doesn't.

That can be a coping mechanism. I found it really hard to accept the damage my rapist did to me mentally so I compartmentalised. I accepted the physical injuries were a result of the attack but all the mental stuff I did gymnastics in my head to explain away. I mostly coped, focused on work and got away with it until my first child was born when everything unravelled at terrifying speed.

The thing with Depression is you can get it even if you live a fantasy perfect life. So being unhappy and depressed isn’t him calling your life inadequate. I think perhaps you are feeling personally attacked by him being unhappy in a life that is good for you. I don’t see why it cannot be both…he is unhappy with his life now and his capacity for things has materially changed. Over half of patients with PTSD also get diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder. I had both at the same time and I’m very common, not at all a rare case.

I can see why it feels hurtful to you that he's calling your life inadequate. And, let me be clear, your DP can have trauma, chronic illness, be depressed ... and also be abusive and manipulative. There are a few things he has said that could be potential red flags.

However, if he is not being manipulative, then him finding a house or job inadequate is no reflection on you or your life together. Moving to the country could help him.

But if it isolates you and makes you unhappy, you don't need to go.

You can own your feelings about that life change without framing it as fear it won't work for him. Your needs are valid too. And if your needs and his needs are in conflict then this might not be the right relationship. You're not his saviour. You're not his only chance at a relationship.

I think mainly my point of the thread was to understand what's going on.

Is the denial part of it?
Is the sudden chronic illness part of it?
Is directing anger at innocuous things part of it?

This is just so I can understand. I feel like I've started to doubt my own reality at times because this rational man is acting so irrational.

This is how it feels to me. I feel like he's doing mental gymnastics not to admit he's damaged.

The abuser, after we got together, stalked me also. She also approached me with an olive branch and tried to get into my head. I saw first hand what we were dealing with. My therapist says she sounds like a psychopath.

I have flashbacks too, it was bloody awful going through this.

@Discovereads it may be hard to understand buy, yes, I feel personally attacked. He was fine getting hit, threatened, locking himself in bathrooms to get away, mentally abused.... but now he's miserable because of long working hours? It doesn't add up.

Perhaps yes perhaps no. He needs to take the initiative to see a medical practitioner. He could have ptsd, depression, physical health problem, some of it could be natural personality (a lot of people are very different partners to friends). You can be sympathetic but ultimately you’re not happy, sounds like he’s not happy, he needs to take the initiative to seek diagnosis and help

What happens when I get triggered is I feel like I'm having a panic attack (or actually have one) my whole body is covered in cold sweat, I feel sick to my stomach, my head is full of static and I can't think. The blood pulses in my ears so I can hardly hear anything. Then a little while after I often get diarrhoea or sometimes I'll be sick. Sometimes I get shaky. I feel dizzy. My whole body feels wrong and I just want to go to bed or lie in a dark room alone with no sounds (because in that heightened state a dog barking is enough to give me palpitations). I often struggle to string words together when this happens. Then after I've managed to stop that horrible body reaction (shock, essentially, like I've just had a close encounter with a wild bear) I will feel like I've been hit by a train. Like every bone, tendon, ligament, muscle, patch of skin and hair follicle has been burnt, broken or frozen. Just pain everywhere. Every step I take is like walking on broken glass bare foot. Every noise is like daggers in my ears. The light is too bright for my eyes. Existing in that moment feels just painful and unbearable. And then at the point that I think I just cannot cope with that feeling anymore, it passes and I feel like me again.

It is so, so hard to believe that that is caused by something bad somebody did to me years ago and that was triggered by something seemingly inconsequential. It feels like a physical health problem. But that is what happens when some body with CPTSD gets triggered. And if that trigger was too much noise in the street outside your house, you could say that the problem is living on a busy street. But it's o not, it's that your not dealing with your trauma.

Because after various therapies, group work etc. I can often plan for my triggers. I can predict when they might happen (eg. not expecting to work after a smear test so having it after work or taking the rest of the day off afterwards) or recognising when I've been triggered (if I feel the physical symptoms come on then go straight Home, don't stop to pick up some shopping). Then for me because I often get cold afterwards, having a hot drink, a hot water bottle, a snuggly blanket and an hour with an old box set of a series I find comforting, and that bit of time and self care can actually stave off the whole rest of the process. Another one that works for me is going for a brisk walk (or pacing if I can't walk anywhere!) and eating or drinking something sour (if I have a triggering phone call I will often pace whilst on the Phone and then suck a lime wedge!) everyone is different on what helps them get back into a calmer state, but that's what helps me. As well concentrating on my breathing when I feel the psychological symptoms coming on.

But if you don't have an awareness around trauma, if you don't know your triggers or what helps ground you, if you expect yourself to respond the same to your environment as somebody who doesn't have trauma, it's easy to think that the trigger is the problem, or that you have a medical condition that needs treating. You would be ok if you move to a quieter street, don't have to make phone calls at work, or get a B12 shot or more sleep or see a chiropractor to look at your back. It can be hard to make the connections between all those things.

@Foodbanksshouldbeobsolete

"Like every bone, tendon, ligament, muscle, patch of skin and hair follicle has been burnt, broken or frozen. Just pain everywhere. Every step I take is like walking on broken glass bare foot. Every noise is like daggers in my ears. The light is too bright for my eyes. Existing in that moment feels just painful and unbearable. And then at the point that I think I just cannot cope with that feeling anymore, it passes and I feel like me again"

This is verbatim as he describes. He attributes to physical illness, which he attributes to lifestyle.

If we go away to the country / quiet and he rests, he gets instantly better which in his mind confirms our life is the problem.

Thank you for sharing, it helps so much.

He was fine getting hit, threatened, locking himself in bathrooms to get away, mentally abused.... but now he's miserable because of long working hours? It doesn't add up.

I think something that is easier or safer to blame/complain about rather than the trauma is common. It’s too daunting to address the big issues so the focus goes on the things that seem less insurmountable.

Add to that the point made earlier that a person’s resilience will be lower so their tolerance is almost zero for any small adversity (which would be an inconvenience or annoyance to others).

And changing things takes a lot of effort and energy, more than it may for others. So a lot of “if I move it’ll be better” and then doing nothing about it, I have seen that too. It’s too easy then to fall into the trap of picking up the tasks that you hope will help them and will resolve it, but the reality is that they are not fixing the real issue so it won’t get better by changing job, moving, having that car, etc.

As I said above, you don’t have to help “rescue or repair” someone. There’s a difference between being supportive and being used as a convenient blame absorber because you’re somehow a “safe place” for this person to vent and offload upon. There’s a boundary in there between needing some support and understanding and being so completely absorbed by the trauma that abusive and manipulative behaviour is subjected onto partners, friends etc.

'This is a happy time.'

But it obviously isn't a happy time. You're deciding what should make him happy. There is no objective criteria.

As for chronic illness, PTSD can cause chronic illness because of stress responses and inflammation. It is limiting. It is frustrating. It is debilitating. And addressing the PTSD does not cure the chronic illness.

It does add up to me. He actually wasn’t fine getting hit and so on, he was in survival mode in which you feel mostly numb instead of miserable. He can also not be fine with long working hours. Just because the abuse is objectively far worse, doesn’t mean that long working hours are good or harmless.

Yes it's to do with resilience, to life stress and to your triggers. When your away for the weekend you have less life stress and often won't get triggered. So then the physical symptoms disappear too. So then people think that if they move to the country they'll be better. Then they move, but they bring their life stress with them and they will inevitably get triggered at some point ( a lot of people's triggers are just usually life stuff eg. Phoning the bank, dealing with difficult clients at work, idiot drivers, hospital appointments, etc.) and then they look for another cause in their life instead of realising that their problem is within them. IMO trauma is a chronic physical illness as much as it's psychological. That's why 'the body keeps the score' is so popular (and when it was written revolutionary) because trauma is such a whole body response. And also the treatment for trauma is often in the body. Talking about it is not always that helpful, actually for me one of my biggest triggers is talking about what I went through. For me the ongoing work Now is in treating my physiological symptoms, dealing with triggers, finding positive ways to use my body that shift that trauma ( a lot of people take up running, for example). EMDR helps people create distance between the traumatic event and the physiological response and is so, so helpful for that. It's not the only way to treat that but it is often the quickest, not to say it's easy but it gives people the room to start getting better and not just be in a triggered state all the time. A lot of people find creative pursuits really helpful in a similar way, by reframing what happened and creating distance.

Where are your needs in all of this.

Yes you sound like a wonderful and supportive partner who is bessotted by him but I can't see him thinking, worrying or looking after you.

Maybe you need to see a councillor to unravel your thoughts and how you appear to have become his saviour, or knight in shining armour. You exist also, and have needs and wants, not just him.

As I said before it's very difficult to comment because your situation is complex but the details are vague. I understand you/he believes this is ptsd and he was physically attacked abused/ stalked but the behaviour before that leading up to the trauma is important, the past and present need dealing with so as not to destroy the future, there needs to be truth.

From what I can gather he wants to run away from his problems (to the country, be isolated) but like the great Bob Marley said...

"you can run away but you can't run away from yourself"

He won't get professional help.

Sorry but you're wasting your time then.

I was diagnosed with PTSD two years ago. I had professional help and counselling to help work though it.

You're just a whipping post at the moment and you need to tell him he needs to get help. Or you will leave.

Please leave. Someone refusing to get help is not a person to have a relationship with.

OP,
Another option for him is to contact the Mankind confidential hotline on
01823 334244
for male victims of domestic violence. I agree with the “get help, or I can’t continue in the relationship message” But if he’s not ready to go to a GP to get professional help, perhaps calling ManKind will help him and ease him along the path to understanding that professional help is what he needs and also to counter act the stigma that men face when seeking help for mental health reasons especially when admitting to being abused by a violent woman.

www.mankind.org.uk

Well, I got upset over all this yesterday and he has fawned over me. Making me food, doing all the chores, helping me with work I had to do. Its definitely not a one sided relationship. Hes so loving and supportive. We take care of each other as people do.

I am just finding this hard and if he wont get help I worry our happy years will be stolen.

I talked to him about the advice here. He said he will read the recommendations of books. He said he will CONSIDER EDMR. He said counselling would traumatise him.

He said he agreed with comments here that hes not denying how this happened but he says he can't dwell on it and just needs a less stressful lifestyle and environment.

Progress

Hes also having some success with the anti inflammatory diet. Hes a bit less tired, IBS reduced, and he says his joints dont hurt for the first time in a year.

I feel like if his physical health improves the rest might follow?

Lovely update OP

Thats well meaning advice but for someone with complex trauma or PTSD talking about it randomly is totally not the thing to do. I would definitely not go to a counsellor with any trauma - it needs to be a psychotherapist or psychologist.

Excuse me, but I and many women have found great emotional and practical support from womens aid for the DV I suffered which caused some of my PTSD.

Mankind is the equivalent for male victims. Calling this charity isnt randomly talking about trauma FFS.

It's very difficult because it's someone else's confidential information, but I can say with certainty that I know of at least two people with CPTSD for whom moving was touted as a magical cure and wasn't. In the case of one I genuinely opposed them moving again (which was the ONLY thing that would help, the person believed) because I worried the person would end their life when the magical cure didn't work.

You take the weather with you.

I'm glad he's considering treatment. Only way to change the weather.

I definitely dont think talking about it will help him. Hes talked it all through with me and that was enough for him.

This is what scares me. I'm worried he is throwing away his career and it wont solve the problem.

I think reading the books is progress. I did actually buy "the body keeps score" ages ago and was reading to him but he asked to stop as it was upsetting. That was only about a month after she last bothered us though.