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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I can’t stand his friends and family

9 replies

MooPiglet · 06/05/2022 16:26

This is a huge red flag I know. When we first got together, I made a big effort to get along with his friends and family. But now we’ve been together over 4 years, I realise that I actively dislike most people in his life.

His adult daughter is rude and ignores me most of the time, she struggles to even say hello to me. He has pulled her up on this and she now manages to mumble a polite greeting but then will make any excuse not to have anything to do with me.

His friends are pretty ghastly too, they always make me feel unwelcome. Again he has addressed this but we have fallen into a default of just never socialising together. It seemed easier that way but it upsets me a lot.

I think it’s because they are all still friends with his ex wife and she has made it very clear of her need to remain queen bee.

It has reached a point where I am seriously considering ending the relationship because of how unwelcome I am made ti feel by people close to him. But otherwise we have a great relationship when it’s just us, and occasionally my DS when he is home from university. He gets on great with my friends and family so it feels really unbalanced that I don’t get on with his.

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yousexybugger · 06/05/2022 16:43

I think it might be pertinent whether he left his ex for you/ you were her good friend or something which is making them all behave this way out of loyalty.

I think he is taking the easy way out here though in just having a separate social life. Could he arrange some smaller gatherings say just him, you and one or two friends from his side (plus maybe one or two from yours) to help you get to know some individuals rather than a group which will be set in their ways? Does he have any friends not linked to his ex that you could spend time with?

MooPiglet · 06/05/2022 16:50

No he didn’t leave her for me although it is true that the marriage ended over adultery on both sides. Classic case of staying together until the children left home. She moved in with her OM and he continued a relationship with OW until she left him about a year before we got together. Eventually her relationship with OM also ended early on in our relationship and she did her utmost to try and come between us, making up stories about how she is sure they would have reconciled if I wasn’t around. So I think that’s where the loyalty comes from.

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KangarooKenny · 06/05/2022 17:01

I’d suggest you don’t see them then. If you really want to stay together, because that’s the only problem, let him see his family/friends on his own and develop your own set of friends together.

AgentJohnson · 06/05/2022 17:14

He can’t make them like you, or do you want him to choose?

MooPiglet · 06/05/2022 17:37

No I don’t want him to choose. But I do want him to understand that they are not being a good friend to him by being so awful to me.

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Ourlady · 06/05/2022 18:18

His daughter I think you will just have to accept that’s how it is but I wouldn’t stay with a man who lets his friends disrespect you. That is not on.

pixie5121 · 06/05/2022 21:40

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request.

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/05/2022 21:44

Can you imagine things being like this in 5 years? 10? It sounds difficult and stressful. I’d be strongly considering your options. It must affect the time when it’s just the two of you as well because you know he’s prepared for people he cares about to treat you like crap. You deserve more.

MooPiglet · 06/05/2022 21:51

Can you imagine things being like this in 5 years? 10? It sounds difficult and stressful. I’d be strongly considering your options. It must affect the time when it’s just the two of you as well because you know he’s prepared for people he cares about to treat you like crap. You deserve more.

Exactly this. Thank you @AnneLovesGilbert this is exactly how I feel

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