Too old ?

[Prerapher]

I've recently come out of an emotionally abusive relationship after 15 years with my alcoholic partner, I don't have any reservations about living alone for the time being - in fact after the life I have lead I find it quite appealing - and at 58 I accept that this may become a permanent arrangement, however, sometimes I think that at some point in the future it might be nice to have one more try at meeting 'the one'....please could I have your honest opinion....am I a bit 'long in the tooth' to be thinking about such things or do you think it would still be feasible ? Please be kind as this is a genuine question....thank you x

I think it's entirely attitudinal. 58 realistically you could be around for 30+ years, that's a heck of a long time. Get out there, love the life you make for yourself and do whatever the hell makes you happy. It certainly sounds like you deserve it

After 15 years with an alcoholic you need some time to heal . Please join a support group like al anon and get some personal therapy / counselling as well.

You need to fix your picker before you start dating again. Otherwise you will just end up with a different kind of abuser.

I’d be saying this if you were 28 BTW. It’s not about age, it’s about healing from trauma and abuse.

“Fix your picker” I like that.

No your not too old, just be very choosy who you date, someone who’s shares your interests is a good start.

You're not too old to find someone. My dad and step mum met age 59 and 60. They're Soooooo happy together and honestly each other's soul mates. They're having a whale of a time together and looking forward to retirement together.

However, I think you should focus on healing before you get into another relationship.

Not too old at all. Join groups, go on trips, get involved in things that interest you. But as pps have said you need time to recover from the abuse.
I hope you have a brilliant new life.

Honest answer? It can happen but it is undeniable the chances diminish as you get older.

I suspect, however, that the main problem with finding the “one” would be your past experience in terms of all the conditioning you may have inadvertently acquired through your last relationship. It is very important that you heal yourself and calibrate your “picker” so you are able to trust other men again and to know when someone who appears to be nice is actually trouble.

I wonder the same thing, I'm a little younger than you at 51 and have been thinking about this lately. I honestly don't know of anyone that have met someone after the age of 50 and stayed together. So I've been worried that I've already missed that boat.

Of course you are not too old to find love! That's just silly. However, you definitely are vulnerable to falling into another abusive relationship.

You might dismiss abuse because it's not as bad as the abuse you suffered before, and you may be very prone to making excuses for bad behaviour because that's what you've always done.

You need to take a lot of time to learn why you ended up in an abusive relationship to begin with, and why you stayed for so long. You really need to get to know yourself, too.

Thank you for all your responses.....you have nearly all made one particular point, namely that I should receive some form of counseling for the abusive behavior I have endured as otherwise I may find myself in another abusive relationship/s, this is a good point but it's worth mentioning that when I first met my ex partner he was a very quiet, gentle individual who rarely raised his voice, he had just come through a divorce with a woman he said had been abusive towards him ! All was well with us for six years until he started drinking, he blamed it on pressure of work as his company had outsourced his department to another company and his workload increased....then came the credit card debts....he payed them off by borrowing on his mortgage....then the drinking started to increase and culminated in a kind of breakdown in 2019, he started seeing a psychoanalyst and was prescribed anti depressants, for two years he was fine until out of the blue he started drinking again after two years abstinence, his behaviors became worse, even his psychoanalyst 'dropped' him for bombarding her and her colleagues with emails at all hours, he is now in debt again and at the time I left him was in the process of sorting out another mortgage. My question is how can you predict a person changing so much when things start out so well ? Sorry for all the detail but it's a complex tale.

You can’t predict it, people change. The key is to learn what your boundaries are and how to protect them. It is also very much about having the strength to walk away when the relationship becomes toxic or no longer works for you.

When you have been in a toxic relationship, unacceptable behaviours become normalised so you may become less efficient at noticing and or acting on red flags. That’s where the counselling can help.