Am I doing the right thing?

[Jinxed1993]

Hi everyone, I'm just looking for an outside perspective on my situation. Any and all replies are welcome even critical ones.

A good few years ago I had a brief relationship with a man who is not even from the same country as me, he was travelling here regularly for work. He got me pregnant and then disclosed that he's actually married with three kids and can't help me. I was in shock and very confused. He wanted me to have an abortion but I couldn't do it. He has met our daughter once when she was just a couple of months old and since then we've had no contact. He doesn't help in any way financially either and afaik nobody on his side of the family know about my daughter's existence. I've never asked him for anything and have no desire to ruin his family.

Fast forward a bit and I met a great guy who also has a daughter from a previous relationship and now we're married. He is so good to me and my daughter and treats her like his own. The problem is I've told him limited information about her father and his circumstances. I've only told him that it was a brief relationship, he's not in the picture and neither is his side of the family and he lives in another country. The reason for not disclosing the full story is because in the beginning I didn't want to give too much info in case things didn't work out and it's a rather personal thing between my and my daughter. As I got to know him better I came to learn he has a habit of over sharing with his mother and he has a large extended family who treat their lives like a soap opera and constantly gossip and tell eachother things. He shares things with her innocently thinking she won't tell anyone but you know how these things are - "guess what I heard but you can't tell anyone" kind of thing and before you know it everyone knows. It's the only thing about him that bothers me, everything else in our marriage is going great. I really don't want my daughter finding this out before I tell her. I don't want her knowing she has other siblings until the time is right and she's old enough to process the information.

But I feel like I'm lying to my husband, I feel guilt for keeping this secret from him. I fear for the future when I eventually have to tell him. I fear he'll feel betrayed. Am I doing the right thing in lying by omission to protect my daughter or should I come clean? If you were the step parent in this situation how would you feel about that being hidden from you for years?

Tbh I can't really see what important info you've excluded from him? Does it matter if he knows the guy has kids etc?

It has literally zero impact on his relationship with you and with your DD, so I really don't think it's something he has any right to know.

If you told him "I'm going to share something with you and I DO NOT want your mum to know", would he respect that? Or would he swear to keep your confidence, then tell her anyway?

(I'd be tempted to test this by coming up with a load of total bollocks and seeing if it got round!)

You're probably right. I've told him most of the details just left out that fact that he was married with children. I just can't help but feel like I'm doing something bad. It's not that I don't trust my husband he just has no filter and he wouldn't tell anyone intentionally but it could slip out, get around and my daughter could hear it from someone else when she's too young and I do not want that. She has a whole other side of the family that doesn't know she exists which I can imagine will be very hard for her to process and I want her to hear it from me and me only.

He wouldn't tell her intentionally he just has no filter and could easily let it slip. He wouldn't go behind my back and gossip. Thanks for reassuring me anyway I sometimes feel awful for keeping this a secret but you're right, it doesn't impact our relationship at all.

He wouldn't tell her intentionally he just has no filter and could easily let it slip

This is a concern. You can't tell him anything personal then?

You haven't lied about a single thing. Just because you're married to him doesn't mean he's entitled to know everything about your past. It is concerning that you can't trust him to keep your confidence.

How are the details relevant to how or your life now?

What will be gained from telling him?

Your instincts are right - forget it and move forward with your life. What's done is done.

I do trust him and if I told him he absolutely had to keep something secret he likely would but I still have the fear that something would slip out at some point. Probably me being overly cautious about it all. His family are the real culprits when it comes to gossip and over sharing, they would be my main concern.

I do trust him and if I told him he absolutely had to keep something secret he likely would but I still have the fear that something would slip out at some point

This is a direct contradiction, OP. If you tell someone something, trusting them means that you know it won't slip out. That's what trust is.

But anyway, does he know all the details of everything that happened in your past, except this? I assume it's one of many things that he doesn't know about you, because nobody can know everything of anybody's past. It's in the past and it can stay there.

Why is this bothering you? Has something brought it to the forefront of your mind?

What part of the ommision bothers you?

I shoud imagine your husband, if he thinks your relationship with your daughter's father was very short and estranged probably may think he may have gone on to have another family anyway, a natural presumption.

Maybe your reluctance is more about the fact you had an affair.

No you do not have to disclose this, but in later years when you are ready to tell your daughter of her half siblings then it will become obvious with the ages.

It's a secret that will eventually have to come out if you ever wish to tell your daughter about her siblings, I understand your concern.

Personally I would tell my husband, ready for the time the details are told to your daughter.

You should trust him enough not to tell his mother.

I think your concern is that you can't trust your husband to keep your confidences and the worry that you can't tell him the insignificant fact that this man, unbeknownst to you was married with children, is simply the vehicle by which this fear is currently travelling.