Can I please get positive stories about starting again in your 40s?

[ramseyarms]

Hello.

I left my partner this week and I am scared of facing the future. I just don't really know what to do. I don't want stories of people who found love late in life. Love feels like the last thing I want to find. I just want to find peace and security on my own and to have a life where no one I rely on can harm me anymore.

I put up with a bad relationship for a very long time. Probably because the good times were so great. Probably because he always knew the right thing to say to persuade me he learned from his mistakes. All I know if that when he did bad things to me, I always believed him that it was never going to happen again.

But if I am honest with myself, all through the relationship, he did things to let me down. Infidelity, disloyalty, selfishness, conflict avoidance, deceit. He was a very messed up person, and while I believe he loves me in his own way, I see he probably was never capable of being a good partner to anybody. And he was unwilling to do the work required to become one.

After years spent working to get over the infidelity, it was, in the end, a small lie, a small selfish act so he could do something he wanted to do that he knew would be hurtful to me, and it was just the straw that broke the camel's back and something snapped and I suddenly wanted to leave.

We were just about to buy a house and I have pulled out. I have blocked him on everything because this seemingly small lie proves he is still capable of deceit and I just can't tolerate it. I know he will cry, beg, plead, cajole and blame his past and I also know he will not change and staying means I am just waiting for the next betrayal.

Small ones for now. Until maybe a big one comes again one day. Selfishness and deceit to get away with that selfishness is just part of his personality. His personality is to get his own needs met, whatever the cost to me.

I am 45 now and invested so much into this person and hopes and dreams which never came to fruition. I feel no interest at all in being with anybody else or starting something new. I just want to find peace, stability and a life where no one can do stuff to hurt me anymore. I am just exhausted by it.

I feel scared today. I feel scared practically speaking as I was crippled financially by the pandemic and nearly lost my business. Things are terrible, and I am really worrying about practical things. We both made about the same amount of money, but on my own it's going to be very hard and I don't have a good credit history because of the pandemic and I am pretty worried no one will rent me a house.

I feel scared because I have a teenager just about to go off to university, and he's been struggling enough without me giving him more instability and I feel sick with guilt. I want to provide him with a safe, stable home and I feel really sad that I haven't got that and don't know what to do.

I am not really even thinking about how the future might be for me. I just want my teenager to be safe and happy and for me to provide a home and safety and I feel like reed blowing in the breeze.

I just couldn't live with someone I didn't trust, someone who was going to actively harm me any time he felt the whim to do it over something seemingly small and I feel worried that I am just letting everyone down.

I've tried my best in my life to be a good person and to make good decisions, but I think I just made bad decisions and have made a mess of everything.

Can anyone tell me anything to make me feel like I can pull my way out of this and find some sort of peaceful life where everything just feels safe

I left my husband in 2018 at 40; it was far and away the best decision I have made in my adult life. Looking back I cannot believe I had the balls to do it after 16 years.

Be kind to yourself, take time, date if you want to (personally it did me the world of good to rebuild my confidence but I know it's not for everyone). I am now in a happy, balanced relationship and have just changed jobs. We both have the usual baggage that comes with middle age and previous relationships but fundamentally we are happy and content.

I would never compromise myself in a failing relationship again

I never thought I would compromise myself in a bad relationship, but the truth is he trampled my boundaries from day one and because he was otherwise adoring, supportive and so on I pushed it out of my mind somehow.

I hate the way I am feeling really because it would be easier to leave a 100% bad relationship, but a relationship which is sometimes great and sometimes awful makes it harder. Especially when the person is always making promises that never come.

I wish I had been smarter and not invested so much of myself in someone who was doing iffy things. I just kept telling myself people weren't perfect. But it really isn't that hard to be honest or to put other people's feelings before your own selfish wants, is it?

Hi. I don't have a positive story but I'm in a similar position. I've not left yet (I have tried) but alot of what you describe sounds like my partner. Sometimes things are great but alot of times they're awful. There's been lies, shady behaviour, hot and cold. It's caused me a lot of anxiety and at times I feel like I'm pissing my life away on him.

I just want to say well done on taking the plunge. I think the only regret you'll have is not doing it sooner. Use the extra time you have to pursue a new hobby, make new friends and just enjoy being free from the stress of second guessing everything. It's a miserable existence.

Regarding your son, he will benefit from the peace you will find in yourself being free from this toxic relationship. Deceit is toxic.

I am very close to walking away but atm there is life stuff going on and it would appear to all our mutual friends (there is many) that I'm totally callous if I did, so I'm biding my time. Have made the decision that if there's even one more incident of shady behaviour I'm walking and if I'm going to stay he's going to have to deliver on promises made. Do they all follow the same script?

I really don't know. I think I worked off the assumption that there was good people and bad people but life is teaching me there are shades of grey.

I could list his positive qualities until the cows came home, and when it is good is is SO GOOD and I know I will miss the good times.

But he has this part of his character where he will put himself first at my expense, and to avoid conflict he will lie about it like a kid that shat it's pants.

He's always done that, and without the infidelity it would probably have been livable (because then it would have been about minor things and his good qualities would have overwhelmed the bad) but once someone's cheated - you really can't tolerate selfishness or deceit on any level.

He knew that was the deal, and looking back over the two years we have spent getting over his affair (which he had when we were in an LDR), I see that although he's done a lot to be a good partner I don't think he ever did the fundamental work on himself to work out why he did it or to fix the character flaws.

I am not sure he ever really made amends either.

Then this small, but decidedly sneaky lie, and I just completely exploded.

I was slightly older than you, and I was scared of being on my own, with a teenager, but the situation had got bad enough that anything I had to cope with on my own was preferable to staying. It was hard for a while, and a bit weird. Time helped a lot, although it sounds like a cliche. Now I just feel sorry for his latest wife, and go through the motions of being civil at graduation events, etc. I didn't think I'd get to that point, but I did. As a wise MNer said, "When you have reached the land of Meh, you are free". You'll get there. It seems like we all do, in the end.

I did it at 45. Retrained, got a great job and two years in, met the love of my life. Finally looking forward to my future for the first time in decades!

Ooh I love this: As a wise MNer said, "When you have reached the land of Meh, you are free".

I'm mid 40s and a couple of years in. I feel I'm on the cusp of it all, everything is in motion and soon I'll be really starting a fresh page. It does take time.

I agree with you, don't rush into dating etc until you feel it's the right time. I do agree with the PP about doing it not to find your life partner as such, but just to practice and have fun. Low stakes stuff, maybe even some sex, but only when it's good for you.

Don't want to go into too many details as it might be outing, but my mum divorced my Dad in her mid 40s, got her career back on track having previously been a SAHM and then working only very part time, did a qualification and passed with flying colours, dated a bit and then eventually remarried an wonderful man. It was really hard for her in the beginning as we were teens at the time and were giving her quite a lot of worry one way or the other... But it all came good in the end. I can think of many many examples of women hitting a crisis point or low and then having a "second wind" in their 40s/50s. It is absolutely A Thing. Good luck OP!

You're actually in a good position, OP. You're just you, and you're on a springboard. You can choose to just stand there next to it, which might be a good idea for a bit whilst you regain your balance, but then, you're free to jump.

What is it you're scared of, now that you've broken up with him? You say you don't want to be in a position where anybody else can damage you; are you not already there, by dint of having left him? The main thing is having someone to take very very good care of you: You. Once you have faith that you will look after you in all circumstances, unconditionally (ie it doesn't matter how bad a thing you might do, you will still be loving towards you, and not rude/insulting/disrespectful etc) you'll be ok.

And yes, there's lots of us out here who've done it, at your age and older. It's not rare. The immediate shock is horrible, but it's such a good move that shortly, that bit of you that knows you've done the right thing will feel like a swelling pride and self respect. Just go hour by hour. Soon enough, it'll all be months/years away.

I split with my husband mid-forties…realising the children needed my energy, that “I” deserved my energy too, and I simply could not waste any more of it on him. It was peaceful immediately tbh, and he wasn’t a bad man really - I just had to do so much of the day to day grind myself anyways.
I found contentment - in my garden, in walks, in being me again. I also unexpectedly found an amazing love years after with a neighbour; we’ll never live together but it’s lovely, absolutely lovely, to have what we have.
Good luck!

The other thing is that really does only take small steps, then suddenly you look back and realise how far you have come. Doing a qual in my late 40s changed the financial journey of my life beyond recognition. That took almost two years. It then gave me more options romantically as my self esteem and independence had improved.

Me ! I’m 48
split with ex late 2019 and he moved back abroad

im now a single mum
dealing with sen school refuser
having to handle everything that I didn’t know (car , Diy, social services, kids hobbies )
managed to build an extension on my house (well builders did )
working FT
im even dating again !

if you told me that all the above would have happened in late 2019 I’d never have believed you

it’s not been easy
far from it
I’ve had mental health support , friends have been great , builders were wonderful

bit keep the faith

my username is from when we
first split and I nearly had a breakdown

I was 45 when my exh left me, now I realise he was borderline abusive. I felt like you but after a few weeks I sorted out my life, finances etc and dd decided to set me up with dating profiles ... well I now have moved a distance to be with dp and its amazing. So yes a story of finding love but it's more of finding myself - I have hobbies, a social life and life is good

After wobbling along for a few years I also caught dh out in a lie. Quite a bit one involving finances.. I asked him to leave. Haven't seen even a glimpse of him since. 10 years ago! Met my now dh at 41 and had a dc at 43.2!! Been married nearly 7 years. Your life is most definitely not over op!

I’m 40 and split with H 6 years ago, I have had one relationship since which went badly, I’m now happy by myself, I have new friends, a ok social life and I don’t really feel like there’s much missing. Some days I do think ‘I would like to meet someone to grow old with’ but I’m not ready to grow old 🤣 and I quite like not having to worry about someone else, being able to do my own thing and choosing who I hang out with (most my friends are male). I may have a bit of a wobble when dd goes to uni in September as the house will feel empty without her, maybe I will feel lonely then or maybe not.

Hi Op
I think I could have written this myself. It's a strange one because there is so much to contend with all at once, it's difficult where to start. So let's start at the basics. You said you think you have bad credit so you don't think you will be able to rent anywhere? Get an Experian report ( it's free) and see what you can erase from your credit file. This may help. Do you have a roof over your head now? Were you living together and he's moving out? Are you claiming any benefits? If your business suffered due to covid that shouldn't go against your credit so you may be pleasently surprised. Do you have any savings? Or someone as a gaurentor? Has your business survived the pandemic? Was it doing well financially before it? If it were me I would throw myself in to the business and make a roaring success of it. The main thing for you is stability. Focus on that. The rest will follow. Never underestimate how strong you can be 💐

My ex ended our relationship just before I turned 39.

I was devastated, felt physically ill most of the time, lost a lot of weight, couldn't sleep, couldn't eat. I was absolutely terrified as I was financially dependent on him. Two children in primary school. I swore I would never go near another man again. My ex turned out to be gay, so our entire relationship was built on a lie. I didn't realise how dysfunctional it had been until I was out of it. I felt useless and had no confidence because his attitude towards me left me feeling worthless (unattractive, stupid). Although it also explained why nothing I did ever seemed to be good enough for him.

That was three years ago.

I got a new job and now work full-time. My colleagues are great, I like my job. I met a lovely man. I wasn't looking for a new relationship, but one developed. I still have wobbly days, but I am much happier, calmer, more confident, and value myself more than I had in years (two decades really).

It is possible to start again. I look back and can't believe how far I've come in the last three years.