He didn't want to talk things over

[gaylegoh]

I have been in a relationship with him for about 6 years but we on and off many times that I lost count. I don't like to be ignored and he should know it already but when every time something came up, he preferred silence than talking. And every time when I asked him why, he will tell me "I care about you and I don't want to see you sad." or "I don't want you to misunderstood so I chose to not say anything." Which annoyed and hurt me more.

We are a distance relationship and only see with each other like once or twice a year. We often argue when we are far and mostly seems fine when we are together. The thing is, I want him to speak up when something is not right because I feel that communication is the most important thing as we don't meet often.

Recently, we were texting and he told me about his female co-worker where she heard him talking dirty with their male co-workers. So she asked him if they really did those dirty stuffs among them. He was telling me like he was having a very OMG reaction with multiple face palm emoji but he sounded happy when he told me that. I felt uncomfortable with his story then I asked "Why would you talk dirty with your co-workers?" I mean I'm not even sure if that is normal for men to have a dirty conversation or joking around using dirty words. Since I am raised with the environment where we don't talk stuffs like that so it is like a culture shock to me. Then he replied me "no comment" and left me hanging. I stopped texting him and he was acting like normal sending messages telling me he finished working, the road jammed, he was eating and saying goodnight but I ignored. I was angry so I told him I won't talk to him and asked him to stop finding me until he realise what he did wrong. He didn't seem to be affected by any of it. At the end I was the one who talked to him again and for the 2nd time when I told I want him to say something rather than "no comment" and that's all, he said he kept silence because he wanted to continue the discussion when he's with me.

He likes to leave me hanging with a big questions which anger me. I have to keep those hatred, anger, hurt, all my feelings every time he does that and the heartache keeps getting bigger within me. I don't know if I was being too over because I told him I hate him and I don't want to meet him and blocked him when he gave me that read status without any response. He actually planned to visit me and meet my parent at the end of this month and talk about our marriage planning. BUT when I re-think my action, I felt so sad and pity on him about how I ignored when he kept telling me about his daily stuffs that I bought him a flight ticket to come here and unblocked him last night 🤦‍♀️

I'm sorry that this is too long. I'm still having this heartache when writing this and feel so silly at the same time. Am I playing in his palm?

You only see him twice a year and you've been doing this 6 years? Are there any plans to actually be together? Sounds like a lot of angst for not very much gain, I couldn't be bothered with this at all.

How old are you? You complain he doesn’t communicate then describe how you deliberately ignored him. What’s the point of a relationship where you hardly see each other and argue over silly shit like this?

Sod that.
Move on with your life op

This is hard to understand. You’re barely in a relationship as you hardly see each other, break up regularly and can’t communicate in a normal way at all. But you’re planning to marry?

Life doesn’t have to be this hard. Relationships are meant to make life happier.

You're flogging a dead horse and shouldn’t be with him.

How old are you indeed?. This is no relationship let alone one which could involve him meeting your parent at the end of the month and discuss marriage planning. You and he should not be in contact with each other, let alone you buying a plane ticket for him. He has no respect or care for you whatsoever, he sees you as a fool.

Cancel his ticket, get therapy for yourself and rebuild your life without this person in it.

The constant on/off thing sounds like a 12 year olds relationship. You’re constantly splitting up and barely see each other this relationship isn’t a positive in your life. It’s well over due the time to move on.

I wouldn't class this as a relationship as you barely see each other . Relationships should be fun not hard work just give this one a miss it's pointless

Relationships aren't supposed to be hard work. They are meant to make both your lives better. If not, what's the point?

You complain that he doesn't communicate well, and that he should have realised by now that he should communicate the way you want. But he is communicating the way he wants. It isn't a case of you are right and he is wrong. And maybe he isn't a good communicator - that's who he is, and he doesn't seem to want to change, so then you have to ask yourself if you're willing to accept that and live with it. If not, walk away.

As PP said, you rarely see each other yet argue a lot. And have totally different styles of communicating. I'm afraid I don't think this is a good relationship, and isn't going to last the course.

No actually we were together the first 2 years but due to my job I relocated a lot and he had his own business to take care back then so we hardly see each other years ahead. But he seemed to ignore me a lot every time when we apart.

And what I meant by once or twice a year is actually visiting him and stayed together like a week or longest a month or two. We went through a lot stuffs back then, which is the reason why we're not yet married although it's already 6 years long, and I was the one who always speak up then only things will get better.

Well he did promised to discuss or open up about anything so that we can build our trust or to avoid any of us to get hurt. But it seems like it's only saying than action.

I know it sounds very childish but I think I am so soft-hearted cause when I thought I should leave, he will keep coming to me. I should ignore him when I really want to leave but it's very hard cause I feel very sad when I do that. I can't even tell if I really love him or just because I pity on him.

But when I am with him, he tend to ignore me. When I asked, he will say he didn't know what to say or such. But wouldn't it be better to at least saying something? Although not the exact answer but really at least anything rather than not saying and then act like nothing happened.

I think you need to decide what you want from
this relationship. It’s not healthy to keep ignoring each other.
Guys talk about all sorts of things, some are nice and some are not. I’m not excusing his behaviour but he didn’t see the big deal so that’s why he has said no comment as he doesn’t want to start an argument.
If you don’t see each other as much now and he hasn’t met your parents after 6 years then maybe it’s not going where you thought it was.
No one can tell you what to do with your relationship, we can give our advice but I think you should talk about having a proper break from each other and see if you’re happier without him.

@Hiddenvoice 😞it is very sad but you have a strong point. It hurts so much when he do that. I thought this year will turn out great as we didn't have any issue until few days ago. Maybe it was my mistake focusing too much on stuffs like that. But I really feel uncomfortable when he starts telling me about his dirty conversations with his friends. I mentioned it to him many times but he took it lightly. I feel like he didn't even care about how I feel.

Honestly, I don’t understand why you think this is worth working on. Six years? Seeing him just twice a year? Poor communication on both sides? I’d be drawing a line under this non-relationship and moving on. Life is to be lived, not endured!

Thank you everyone for taking your time to hear me out. I've given it a thought and I will have a proper talk with him one more time. I already have my decision depends on how he will react.