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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Scared of husband

24 replies

Whattodo898 · 04/05/2022 23:00

Hello,

Does aggressive behaviour always turn from just verbal abuse to physical? I’ve been with my husband for almost 10 years and the last 5 his temper has been really bad I’ve left the house on a number of occasions as when he either goes mad/fired up my fight or flight kicks in and it’s flight every time lol. He’s never hurt me or the kids but his behaviour is intimidating, scary and he’s 6 foot, I’m just over 5 I feel powerless and like I walk on egg shells not to anger him. He used into smash some stuff but doesn’t do this anymore but will chuck like a ball or a hairbrush.

He also cannot control his temper around football if his team is playing or it’s a big game. Tonight I’ve been scared as his team went from winning to loosing yet if I get upset he says he’s gunna go mad as I’m making him out to be a monster and he’s not. We also very nearly split at the weekend he’s got a cocaine problem he’s working on but his actions over our wedding anniversary made me furious (drug related) and I kicked hIm out and spoke to the police. Recently took him back as he let me flush half the drugs and acted genuinely remorseful and I have recently gone through something was super tired and was just grateful for him to walk the dog that evening.

one of my issues is that due to our circumstances, I work, he doesn’t and he is crap with money we have not much money and on council waiting list as in 2 bed private rented home with 3 kids. Band b and getting close on some Houses, position 5 last time. If I leave him I’ll go down to band C and won’t get anything. If I stay here and kick him out I’m terrified he’s going to cause me trouble as he can be quite nasty if your on the wrong side of him. Would the council help to house me if I leave here with the kids and let him stay? I can’t afford a 3 bed private it’s a minimum of £250 over the LHA rate of rent in our area. I just feel so stuck.

OP posts:

SeenCanary · 04/05/2022 23:05

You don’t have to live like this. You don’t deserve to have all the horrible stress of living with an abusive drug addict. And more importantly neither do your children - they don’t have any say in this and it is your responsibility to keep him away from them.

I would recommend contacting Women’s Aid for advice and in the meantime, call 999 if he starts. This is INCREDIBLY traumatic to grow up around. This is damaging your children and they will live with the scars their whole lives. You need to step up for their sake.

Yoohoo778611 · 04/05/2022 23:16

The children are being let down by someone who is supposed to care for them.
Either leave or chuck him out. What damage has been done to them no one knows.

Carpy88999 · 05/05/2022 06:53

You need to get the fuck out of there ASAP. It only takes one violent outburst and that could be it.

frozendaisy · 05/05/2022 07:10

If you sign a council tenancy with him you will never be free of him he would never leave.

Honestly I would kick him out again and this time don't take him back and then tackle the housing situation as a separate issue.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 05/05/2022 07:12

Why do you think your housing priority will change if you separate?

Bananalanacake · 05/05/2022 07:17

Why doesn't he work, does he look after the DC while you work. I would leave for the drug habit alone.

thenewduchessoflapland · 05/05/2022 07:20

You threw him out once you can do it again.You don't have to put up with this.He's a drug addict;flushing the drugs will do little to solve this.

You can have a better life.

KangarooKenny · 05/05/2022 07:22

Every time he kicks off you need to phone the police, get a history of his violence recorded.
Ring Women’s Aid for advice.
Ring around local family solicitors and get a free chat with one of them.

Is his name on the rental agreement ? If it is it might be worth a chat with the owner to see if you can get his name off it, as you work and he doesn’t, then get him removed.

PeaceLurking9to5 · 05/05/2022 07:22

It's an awful situation to be in, I know.
I did what a lot of people on mn would have said not to do. I moved out. I realised that getting the police to get him to move out would have made him so angry, so so so so angry I would have feared for my life forever. He still hates me mind you. But get yourself out and sort out the rest later.

It's such a dehumanising experience living like this. It can take years to recover from it. I don't mean to be a prophet of gloom there! I was fine 90% of the time! Fine until something triggered me. But the damage it does to you living with an angry aggressive man who makes you live in fear. Get your documents and get out. Have faith in the system. Have faith that you will sort the rest out later, bit by bit.

blueagain · 05/05/2022 07:23

Surely your housing priority would go UP if you’re a single mum?

PeaceLurking9to5 · 05/05/2022 07:26

At one point I was going to go in to an apartment and sleep on the couch. But all I wanted was safety. I wouldn't have cared if we were all in the same bed. Or in one bed room, kids in the bed, me on a zed bed. What ages are your kids? My x didn't have a drug problem. Would social services help or would they be like ''move out'' but give you no help ?

lovingtheheat · 05/05/2022 07:37

If he isn't working how is he affording drugs? Are you funding through fear? I see what you're saying re the housing situation but if he goes, it sounds like you may save a lot from him not being there (his general cost of living, council tax discount, money not spent on drugs etc).

layladomino · 05/05/2022 07:45

There is no question you need to split from him. He has a drug addiction. He is aggressive and has a violent temper. He blames you. He doesn't work. You walk on eggshells all the time.

You are in an absive relationship. This is awful for you and for your children. This man's bullying and threatening behaviour are damaging for you and them. Your children could make future relationship decisions based on yours being normal. Would you want that for them? And there is the threat of physical harm - noone should live with that. And why would you want to live with someone who doesn't show you love or care or respect or support?? In fact quite the opposite - he causes you hurt and fear and worry.

Please please leave him. Take care of you and the children and make a better life for you. If you stay with him he won't get better. He'll likely get worse.

Ragruggers · 05/05/2022 08:07

You can do this.Get rid of this awful man who is destroying your lives.Your poor children they deserve better.Where does the money come from for drugs if he doesn’t work please don’t say you give him money.Call the police when he starts with his temper,he is very dangerous.Please get help.Good luck.

emmakenny · 05/05/2022 08:19

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

LowlandLucky · 05/05/2022 08:29

Phone the Police and ask them to remove him. You and your children are living in fear.

Carpy88999 · 05/05/2022 08:35

You don't know anything about her. Your comment is unhelpful, unkind and straight up disgusting.

mumonthehill · 05/05/2022 08:42

Honestly “women like you”. Please ignore OP, start to build support around you. Speak to the council re housing and womens aid. Be practical and then once you understand your housing situation, money you will feel more able to make decisions. You do not have to stay, you can make change and life can be better.

Original poster

Whattodo898 · 05/05/2022 08:49

Thank you for the majority of your replies, there are a few things that have kept me from leaving, he has previously been fine but since 2018 where life went down hill job lost due to falling asleep on new antidepressants then uni suspended him, depression and anxiety got worse, tried ti work had break downs ect his mental health has been extensive but seemed to be improving end of 2020. My children are 12, 6 and 7 months. Currently in Mat leave due back October and I used to work split nights so I could do majority of child care he just needed to get 6 YO to sleep and up for school that was all, we managed. Accidentally got pregnant on what I call a one night stand with my husband using contraception 🤨 with baby number 3 and I then didn’t know about the drug use, it came to light end of my pregnancy and had been ongoing all that year he just hid it. He hadn’t shouted or got mad for like 6 months was attending counselling and I thought life was on the up.

however, since the baby has been here (and baby very chilled, such a lush boy) his anger has returned he’s been on/off vile
alongside the drugs he’s suppose to be stopping. His use isn’t massive, he used to use once a week when we were in bed now he’s going 3/4 weeks between it the last few months but spent almost £500 on them the other day I was so mad. I’ve given him a deadline of October anyway as there is no way I’m leaving him in control of my children when I go back to work if he is angry and still not over the drugs yet. I think I’ll have to hand my notice in and work a job I can do whilst kids at school and baby at nursery. (Health professional so can always go back when number 3 is older)

my eldest isn’t his and I have been a single parent before until we met when she was 3. My family are not helpful and I guess I’ve tried to keep fixing things and doing everything because if he was here he could look after the kids whilst I worked and then I could provide for us all.

we are only high up in housing list as he qualifies for his own bedroom due to his MH problem and sleeping issues he currently sleeps on sofa. His drug money is his PIP he used to pay for counselling out of this too but stopped that as he didn’t think it was helping and attends drug meetings instead now. I don’t give him any money for anything anymore and he doesn’t ask. But yes the cost of less food ect if he wasn’t there would save me some I think. I hope that clears a few things up.

he fell out with his mum the other year and when he thinks you’ve turned your back on him he can be quite nasty. He once walked past her house when he was out and started kicking her door and shouting. If I get the police to remove him I’ll just be terrified he’s going to come back and do something similar. Would prefer to leave him in this rented house so then he might be less of a pain to me if he’s got a roof over his head. I will live anywhere, 12 Yo less understanding but she could always live with my mum for now as close to her school until we get ourselves somewhere.

OP posts:

Only4You · 05/05/2022 08:49

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 05/05/2022 07:12

Why do you think your housing priority will change if you separate?

Yes can you check that you would actually go down the list? If anything I'd have thought it would have helped you.

How long do you think it will take you to have the house if you stay put?

Only4You · 05/05/2022 08:55

xpost.

You seem to have thought a lot about it and how you can out (and if it is necessary).

What I will say is that, even if he gets his acts together and stop the drugs/isnt as angry, I don't think you can trust him/trust things are not going to go rapidely downhill again.
Don't stay with him.

As for your orgial question (if someone who is verbally abusive can turn physica;ly abusive), the answer is YES.
You just have to look at his behaviour towards his mother. Be in no doubt that he will be the same when you decide to leave.
Protect yourself and your dcs.

boogiewithasuitcase · 05/05/2022 09:09

This is an example of verbal abuse turning to physical, OP. Please phone Women's Aid for advice about leaving.

Deadringer · 05/05/2022 09:38

He takes drugs, doesn't work, and you are afraid of him. Please leave him, not just for your sake, but for your children too.

caringcarer · 05/05/2022 10:38

You can't live your life walking on eggshells around him and neither can your children. You kicked him out once, do it again and don't take him back. Be firm protect your kids. If he kicks off report him to police. Get a restraining order to keep him away from you and kids. You have to get rid of him OP. You know you do. If you end up in a refuge you will be a priority for social housing. Don't sign a housing contract with him or much harder to get rid of him. Make sure you are getting all benefits you are entitled to and that might be more without him. Be strong.

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