Would you feel comfortable dating with a very apparent class divide?

[Chopstickzpp]

Have met someone and he's so lovely. He makes me feel so good about myself. He's everything you could want in a man. Kind, caring, decent, respectful, funny.
He is very well established in his field of work, very well educated and came from a privileged upbringing. Think middle class upbringing.
Me, I come from a very working class family and lived in a deprived area of the South. I've always had relatively good jobs but I don't have a career. I'm also a single parent.
He makes me feel so good about myself and routinely tells me how amazing and inspirational I am. But I constantly feel so inferior to him.. We haven't yet met each others families and I don't even know what his family would think of me. I guess what I'm asking is basically how can I forget about the very apparent class divide and just enjoy being with such a lovely man.

My DH is middle class and from the Cotswolds. I'm working class and from Luton (originally working class small-town Ireland). He has a good career in IT and £100k equity in a property when we met. I had a career that I gave up for a lower paid admin job and no assets other than £10k savings to my name when we met. His family have been nothing but lovely and welcoming to me. I wouldn't assume the class divide is a barrier.

I think you just have to accept that it’s going to be something you dwell on a lot more than his friends and family will. Unless you make a habit of going around telling everybody the minutiae of your background, I can’t see how it would really be obvious. When colleagues / acquaintances / friends of in-laws etc ask me about my background I just say I grew up in X city, left at 18 to move to London, and my potted movements from there, and not a lot more. And I can’t remember the last time anyone asked or was interested beyond that. Plenty of people who define themselves as middle class don’t have careers as such, or are single parents, so neither of those are going to mark you out as some sort of oddity among people he knows. And presumably if he didn’t think you had similar values and outlooks, he wouldn’t have been interested in you in the first place.

Spending time together often evens things out. When you realise he farts and is scared of spiders, you'll feel a bit more even with him.

But it might be an incompatibility, if it's something he can't change and that you're sensitive to. We can't choose how to feel.

I'd give it some time, see if you start to feel different when you know him better. It doesn't really matter if others would feel comfortable with it; this is about you. Your feelings are all that matters. There's no right or wrong.

I did for a while. We knew each other from uni then met again a few years later when working in similar jobs so we had lots in common.

But my parents struggled to find common ground with him, I think my dad felt intimidated by him which I'd never expected.

His parents treated me like a bit of a curiosity and asked me quite seriously about all sorts of working class stereotypes. His dad was really quite rude about my parents and their work.

So it came to an end really because our families and expectations around family were so different. And because his family were ignorant twats.

But don't let my experience put you off. You get ignorant twats in all walks of life. If you have lots in common with him then carry on.

Enjoy each other for who you are as people. Class division will only play as much or less a part as you let it. We are all equally as important and valuable as each other. I agree financially we can be miles apart and as well as intellectually. However If two people are attracted to each and get on well then just go with it. To hell with class distinction it's horrible.

Middle class doesn’t have to mean snobby. If he is lovely, it could mean that his parents have brought him up that way and his family will also like you. Don’t worry about what they will think of you or your background, especially before you’ve even reached that stage.
He clearly doesn’t think you are inferior to him - so why would you think that? Are you generally insecure? Sorry I have no practical advice on how to let it go and be comfortable with it.
Try not to let this become a barrier. If it doesn’t bother him it shouldn’t be a problem to you

I come from a northern socially deprived town and have an accent. I did well at school and entered a very highly respected profession. I soon found I was catnip to the posh boys who’d been to boarding school. I had serious relationships with a couple of them. It didn’t work out, but not because of class issues. In all honestly I quickly realised they were not particularly bright, just very well polished and I didn’t feel intimidated at all by them. One of their colleagues once said to me I was far too bright for one of them which has always stuck with me. DP (same profession) comes from an extremely poor background but has done phenomenally well in his career. In all honesty though it quickly becomes about the person rather than their background. You’d be mad to pass this man over.

I don't think you should try to forget the class divide or pretend it doesn't exist. Or at least - you shouldn't feel that you can't talk about it, or that you have to ignore your feelings about it.

He has to understand that you being a working-class woman in a privileged environment will bring some insecurities (at best) with it, and to support you in that. At worst you'll face snobbery - hopefully not from his family but maybe from others in his social circle. He might not have seen this snobbery before but he has to understand it and have your back.

It's all very well saying "class doesn't matter" or "race doesn't matter" and at the basic level of how you click together, that can be true. But at some point it will matter.

I'm in an interracial relationship. When I'm with DP this isn't something I dwell on, because what we have goes beyond that. But it does affect how we navigate the world as a couple. For example, when I've experienced racism, I need a supportive partner, not someone who doesn't get it or tells me I might have been mistaken.

So yes, it can work - but you both need to be comfortable acknowledging and talking about the class divide, don't treat it as the elephant in the room. You need to be able to be open and your full self with your partner.

I'm upper middle class and I never thought of it as an issue but I've realised it is one for the family of my DP who is working class. They have quite the chip on their shoulder and seem to think anyone not working class is an arsehole and not for them. They are quite insular and also don't support anyone 'getting ideas above their station' - really frustrating attitude tbh as they can never ever be happy for DP's achievements. My bf too has the chip occasionally but I've managed to get him to focus on making his own future and way of life rather than letting it be dictated by where his family grew up. And he's realised that a lot of his insecurities come from within/how he was raised rather than the way the world perceives him.

But it was hard work at the beginning, and things were definitely easier in relationships where we were the same sort of background. What helped us is talking about it rather than it simmering internally. My advice would be to not carry an inferiority complex in the relationship and see your partner as just another human being rather than another species just because he grew up differently. Unless he's doing things deliberately to make you feel less than him, I would assess how much is your internal prejudices as well.

Being WC is in no way inferior to being MC. Social class is simply an accident of birth that results in some people having greater privilege and advantage over others. Anyone who is worth a second of your time knows this, so don't ever feel self conscious about your background.

it is true that some people will act in a snobby and unpleasant manner. But the fact that your BF doesn't seem to have these attitudes and is just happy to be with you and, I assume, shares similar values and priorities, is a good sign that hopefully his family are similar. But I don't blame you for being concerned.

I think class is only a problem for people who see it as something that is intrinsic and changes who you are. I see class as something about where you come from or the challenges you did/did not need to overcome. Nothing to do with who you are as a person.

I'm in as similar dilemma too OP so thank you for posting. My advice to you would be to talk to him about it, when you feel comfortable. Sounds like it's going well, don't throw it away without thinking it through

Difference in background wouldn't bother me, nor would being from a privileged or affluent family put me off dating someone, but I couldn't contemplate a relationship with someone with completely contrasting political/ideological views to my own.

Small disagreements on policy, fine, that's pretty standard, but I couldn't be with someone whose views were representative of the right of the Tory party, and I think I'd struggle with anyone pro-union to be honest because it's such an emotive topic that practically every other view is dependent on that position.

I married your average upper middle class man, comes from a nice nuclear family, privately educated, grew up in a leafy part of London etc. I was the daughter of a solo mum, state educated, and grew up in rural New Zealand on the breadline but went to uni and then moved to the UK where I have made a decent living.

The class difference has never caused any major problem in our relationship but there has been differences in opinion over schooling choices, he looked down on state schools despite not being in a financial position to send our DDs to an independent school. Quite snobbish when it comes to brands and early on in our relationship he never quite understood why I always went for the budget food or bought clothes in the sales. It was more ignorgance on what its like to grow up skint.

We have been affected by the cost of living crisis and other financial issues. He definetely appreciates my budgeting skills, and how I can find the best deal. For the first time in his life he understands what its like to budget down to every pound, it has shown him what my upbringing was like. Our holiday this year will be camping, he hasnt pitched a tent since his days at festivals!!

My PIL are lovely though and have never judged, more patronising than anything, in awe of what I have achieved despite my 'background' (they do mean well though)

The actual question is are you comfortable with yourself.
If you accept who you are and proud then it isn't an issue.
I come from a very rough, large poverty striken council scheme. We were skint while I was growing up.
My OH is middle class, went to a top boarding school and relatives who are Dukes. His family are lovely- accepted me for who I am not what I have, and seek out my advice and friendship. They often phone to speak to me rather than my OH, I meet them for lunch without OH.
My upbringing is not an issue. I see myself as their equal and they do too.
Don't see yourself as less than, and other people won't either.

Technically dh is a different class to me. I was raised working class with verylittle money and secondhand clothing. No encouragement to educate myself or take education seriously.

Dh went to private school and was heavily encourage to attend college/university and to get a proper job.

We have been married 26 years I can honestly say it has never been a issue between us as a couple. There has been times where dh feels he has given our children less than his parents do however I point out on today's wages FIL could not have afforded 3 sons at private school either with his job.

I was close to MIL she was a darling and honestly I have never felt they looked down on me in any way shape or form.

at a risk of sounding like a cliche love finds a way