Unhelpful Mother again

[YummieMummyof3]

I have previously posted here before regarding my difficult relationship with my DM.

This one takes me to a new level and I am unsure how to handle the situation.

She tells me daily she is unwell. Finally achieving a hospital outpatients appointment. She informed me of the appointment on the day, expecting me to drop everything and accompany her. Unfortunately I was working and was unable to assist. Now she tells me she needs surgery. She knows when but can't give me an exact date. Next month is all I am told.

She has been slandering me to quite a few people that I don't treat her well. She has now told me she expects me to take her for her surgery and wait until the operation is over. Reminding me that she could be kept overnight as she having a rare operation and things may not go well.

She still hasn't given me a date for the surgery. I also work and have 3 D S. No siblings or any other family.

I feel guilty as I am never good enough.

Whenever I am unwell, I never get any sympathy or support. Generally accused of faking illnesses. I have been in hospital and she is unable to assist as she is involved with TWG . Can't spare the time

Also if I have any issues she is generally emotionally unavailable.

Bumping 😕

If you can't do it, she will have to make other arrangements. If you are willing to do it, I would tell her that you can only do it if she gives you enough notice and it works for you. Tell her you can drop her at the hospital but won't wait, the staff can call you when she is ready for pick up. She needs to appreciate that you have needs and things to work around. If she can't, the hospital can help her with other arrangements.

I'm sorry she's treating you like this OP. My grandmother used to do similar things to my mum. Can you tell her that work will need two (?) weeks notice for any leave and if you can't give them notice she'll have to find someone else to take her.

This is not just a difficult relationship, its a toxic one. Its not your fault your mother is like this and you did not make her that way (her parents did that). She is not emotionally available to you (and in turn your kids who she will treat very similarly to you) anyway.

What are your boundaries like in relation to your mother?. Make yourself far less available to her various ways of summoning you (I'd be sending her emails to spam). You will need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got. You do not mention your father at all here; is he alive?. I ask only as he is not mentioned.

Reading "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward and "Will I ever be good enough?" by Karyl McBride could help as would the current "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationships pages.

Does she treat other people like this? Would she speak to your husband like this? Could you suggest that he takes her instead so you can look after your 3 kids?

She isn’t your burden to bear alone.

Maybe if she finally gets her head around the fact you’re not her little girl to bully anymore, and you are part of a different household, with your own responsibilities, she might back off.

Thanks for responding. I have been in floods of tears due to the last nasty swipe. She seems to know when I am feeling low and then unleashes her venom.

My Dad sadly passed away a few years ago. Dh doesn't not like her. Will not tolerate her behaviour. None of my ds particularly like her and only visit out of a sense of duty.

I have been busy at work.I have been working overtime as there are a lot of people off sick. Therefore I haven't had time to visit her. Therefore not available for her. For a few weeks my only day off was taken up with a visit from her. I find her draining, unable to get anything done as she demands my full attention.

I am only child. No close family.

Now she is telling me she is unwell. She needs someone to go to hospital but will not tell me when! She tells me she needs support. But then arranges to get someone else, pays them. Whereas I would not take her money.

I can't believe how hurtful she is

It's brilliant that she'll make arrangements with someone else and pay them. That's a bonus!

Unfortunately you can't change her. She is who she is, the only person who can change that is her.

You can change you. You can work on your boundaries, on recognising that she has problems and her behaviour is not your responsibility and not yours to solve. You can work on remembering that she her behaviour is not a result of you being 'insufficient'- you are not- it's a result of her being a difficult, unpleasant woman.

Nothing you do will be enough to make her kind. So only do what you can manage.

Every time she mentions her operation 'Remember you'll have to get someone to take you, I've got no annual leave left/no one to look after the boys/can't get time off at short notice'.

Who are the people she's slandering you to?
Maybe they should help her if they're close enough friends to gossip with?

Have you told her that her behaviour is unacceptable, that you have a family who live you and treat you with respect (hopefully) to look after and her silly games to keep you hanging will only result in seeing you less & less?

I think you need a massive bust up to let her know exactly how you feel.

Actually have you even seen a letter saying she's going for surgery? If she can't give a date I'd be very suspicious. Wonder if you'll drop everything & it'll be cancelled?

Thank Grogglegs.

The people to who she slanders me are her church cronies, who I call the godsquad. They have paid me several visits reinforcing her stand and as her child I should apologise and offer the olive branch. I now do not answer calls or any correspondence from them plus I never answer my front door to them.

The other set are the town's women guild, twg. I hope I don't offend anyone here. They seem to be quite poisonous.

Both of these organization seem to enable her behaviour.

She loves an argument. It feeds her power. However she has the ability to twist everything around to suit. I agreeing with her seems to defuse the situation.

The best possible thing you could do for yourself is to block your mother and cease any contact. She is a vile, hateful person.

Sorry, mum, I can’t help on this occasion. Great that you are able to get some paid-for support. Hope everything goes well.

Then leave her to it. Time to redraw your boundaries and change how you respond to her. Don’t be available to her. Don’t respond to her nasty comments other than to call her out on them. Your H and DC clearly have the measure of her and will support you!

I'd take the slandering to other friends with a pinch of salt; if they know her at all well, they are probably nodding along and making sympathetic noises to avoid making themselves disagreeable, whilst carefully avoiding being cast in the role of flying monkey. If they go so far as to approach you (unlikely; it hasn't happened yet!), you can give them a calm, clear, truthful update. My suspicion is that she would be aghast at the idea of you comparing notes!
Try to get her to be more specific about her hospital appointment; it may be that they can arrange for her to be collected and returned home by ambulance, or if that it not possible, a car hire can be arranged (I notice that she is prepared to pay other people).
I agree with PP's who point out that the hospital will have given her very specific information, in writing; be prepared for a lot of blustering rather than the triumphant flourishing of said letter.....my experience is that, emergencies aside, plenty of notice is given precisely because arrangements need time to be made.

You have said it, Op. Nothing you do is good enough for your mother. So stop bothering. Get yourself out of the cycle of abuse.

OP I am so sorry that you have this awful relationship with her. How exhausting, how utterly draining. You are damned if you do and damned if you don’t, in which case rise up against this narcissistic woman. Set those boundaries high and save your sanity. Tell her to stop telling you what to do, tell her to stop putting you down and tell her she needs to organise her own hospital visit. You have so much on your plate already and yet she is the priority? She shouldn’t be, she doesn’t appreciate you and everything that you do for her. So what if she is your mother - she treats you like shit. You don’t need this, and your kids definitely do not need to be seeing their own mother being treated so very badly by their own grandmother.

Entire lives are wasted because of horrible people like this, because we continue to believe in this bullshit “Blood is thicker than water” myth. It’s awful. Don’t waste your life being so mistreated by this woman.

Apologies; I posted before reading that she has indeed sent her flying monkeys round! I think refusing to engage with them was the best course of action - well done on that! (and it shows that you can do it!)
But the fact remains; the hospital scenario is suspiciously vague, and that just isn't how it works.

Thanks everyone. I have started to increase boundaries. There used to be at least 6 phone calls a day. I have got this down to 1. There used to be unannounced visits. This has stopped. I went out shopping to marks and Spencer one evening, she called and dh told her. She went ballistic as I hadn't invited her. This has now stopped.

It's a like a dance pattern of what will she do next. How low will she go?

I will try and not have any contact however she always seems to worm her way around me.

İt sounds like she sets you up to fail - asking for help and making it impossible to arrange it (by not giving the date till the last minute by which time your time is committed elsewhere).

I wonder if she likes feeling like a victim, even though she has done it to herself.

That's not any good for you though. I'd try to find a way to step away.

Don’t let her ‘worm her way’ around you!
Practice saying no. Or not responding to calls / texts etc.
Be wise to her wiles. Don’t fall for her bullshit.
The WI, church ladies etc come round to harangue you? Tell them you’re not interested, shut the door on them.

Received another phone call this morning. First of all she was nice, enquiring into my work situation, my ds school work. Then she turned nasty basically accusing me of not caring. I responded by reminding her if she wants my assistance I need to know a date. She told me that I was never available, always working and told me I was upsetting her.

I ended the call by saying I don't want to upset you and put the phone down.

Feeling angry that she has managed to be able to worm her way by phoning me being nice then trying to get sympathy. Then out came the venum.

I think PP is right and she enjoys being the victim / being able to guilt-trip you. So she asks for help but isn't specific about dates. So you can't say you'll be there. So she can accuse you of not caring.

You did the right thing.

Why are you putting up with this??
Is this the behaviour you want to model for your dc?
Block her number!
Why do you care what a bunch of God botherers think?
She sounds like a classic narc
Check out the stately homes thread on mn
Honestly, you don't have to put up with this.
Good luck x

Op feel for you. My mother same. Have your boundaries strict. Expect moods and sulks. My sisters same now we dont dance to her tune. She recently said strangers more support to her. Their behaviour is awful.