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Relationships

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Original poster

Waiting before having sex

18 replies

Wildflower922 · 04/05/2022 19:40

So I'm 31 and my entire adult life I have admittedly jumped into the sack pretty quickly with all new relationships 😂

My rationale was that I didn't want to waste time if we weren't sexually compatible because that is a pretty big factor for me. However I have come to the conclusion that this hasn't really served me very well, I feel like guys got want they wanted and moved on, I was left emotionally scarred and a bit upset. Anyone that did stick about, brought it up to me further down the line that we slept together much too quickly and it did make them question things a bit.

So I've been meeting a guy now for a few weeks, there actually has been no mention of sex but I really fancy him. He seems respectful and solid and genuine. I haven't got set time in my mind when it should happen but I'm definitely waiting until the time feels right and I've got to know him better. I suppose my question is...in your own experience...does it pay off to wait?

OP posts:

BigFatLiar · 04/05/2022 19:57

If sex is that important to you the go for it after all it may be important to him and he might not want to hang around if it isn't good.

We didn't do the deed until after we were married (OK it was a while ago). Sex has been decent but there have been periods of poor sex or even no sex, I'd hate to think we'd have split over those times. Now we're older and grandparents sex isn't as frequent and more leisurely. He is and always has been my best friend, even when we were 'dry'. I expect to grow old with him and given the chance would do it again. The friendship, support and companionship has been far more important than the sex.

layladomino · 04/05/2022 20:12

In my experience, yes. I was dumped a couple of times because I wouldn't have sex early on .... that was a great way of weeding out those who were only interested in the one thing.

Someone who is interested enough in you for it not to be the most important thing, is, in return, worth waiting for.

If you have sex early on and the r'ship ends (for whatever reason) you can find yourself questionning if you should have done it. The risk of getting pregnant by someone you aren't commited to / the risk of catching a STI is increased when you don't know someone / aren't committed to them (I get that you can protect yourself against both, but nothing that's 100% guaranteed). The risk of feeling cast aside if someone finished with you after sex. All of this is avoided if you don't rush in to sex.

I also think that it's hard to tell if you have a good secual connection with someone you don't know well. But building a friendship and trust and taking it slowly, can add to the connection. You can find you have a great time with someone who you wouldn't have if you have sex very early on.

You don't risk much by not having sex early on (other than being dumped by someone who won't wait). You rarely regret not having it early on.

Just my two penneth. I know and respect there are other views.

seensome · 04/05/2022 20:17

Not always, sometimes they are willing to wait until they get it and still become non committal.
It can rule out the impatient ones, that's all.
If they genuinely have feelings for you then I don't think it matters.

BigFatLiar · 04/05/2022 20:27

If you spent a long time building a relationship and when the time came found the sex wasn't as exciting as you wanted would you dump him? If yes then perhaps sex early if the relationship is more important than the sex then hold off.

ElspethBoomingHowsen · 04/05/2022 20:28

I think this completely depends. I have a new partner and it was very refreshing that early chat never went to sex. We’d met up 4 times before we properly kissed and hands wandered but nothing else happened. Again, no real talk about sex and when it happened, it was very natural and not pre planned.
I too am of the idea that if there is no sexual chemistry it won’t work so that is the first time I’ve not been worried about finding out. I just knew he was right

OrlandointheWilderness · 04/05/2022 21:02

I've always jumped into bed immediately. Always. This time around we didn't actually even kiss until date 3 and sleep together until date four (major in my book!). I was determined to do it 'right' this time, and it was worth it. When we did actually kiss for the first time it was incredible, I'll never forget it and it has continued to be incredible for the following year. I'll let you know but it's looking good so far! 😂

Sunnygirl1 · 04/05/2022 21:11

2 months of talking nearly every day were enough for us to be comfortable with each other on a sexual level.

We meet, were naturally and mutually sexually attracted to each other, and had our 1st kiss and some further mind, body, and soul testing activities :).

Sunnygirl1 · 04/05/2022 21:12

*we met

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 04/05/2022 21:15

It completely depends on the man and the situation
Ive always had sex immediately and never been overtly judged by any man for it, though I've definitely been disappointed a couple of times when it's not gone anywhere.
However, I've also had a husband and a fiancé both of which started with sex so it's totally dependent on the person.

SoManyTshirts · 04/05/2022 21:16

Wasn’t great for me last time … by the time we finally had sex I was way too over-invested in the relationship to see that we really weren’t compatible. Ended in divorce.
I’d agree that it often leads to a longer relationship but that’s not always the right outcome.

PumpkinsandKittens · 04/05/2022 21:17

The same for me I slept with men quickly when I was younger and it never went anywhere I would either not hear from them again or it would end up being purely just sex now I am older I will be waiting, even my ex we slept together on the first night and he use to bring it up and throw it in my face a lot.

Opentooffers · 04/05/2022 21:26

Ooh about 9 or 10 dates and 1.5 months or so currently. I was getting a bit frustrated and beginning to wonder if he was up for it, usually it's been about 3 or 4 dates in. However, glad it turned out that way, he's sweet, respectful and the chemistry is now off the charts, but also we got to find out that we have loads in common first and formed more of a bond, so it's been lovely 😍.

Watchkeys · 04/05/2022 21:30

I know a couple whose child was born exactly 9 months after they first met. They're very happy together.

Or you can wait, and meet a nice, respectful partner that way.

There are no rules. Do it when it feels right. Sometimes that will be the right person, sometimes not. There's no 'right', here.

ImInStealthMode · 04/05/2022 21:44

Not always, it's more down to the man and the relationship than the arbitrary period of time.

I met DP for the first time on a Friday night and slept with him on the Sunday. We've been inseparable for 2 and a half years and we're getting married next month. Cheesy as it is, from day one it was if he'd always been there, so I didn't feel like I needed to 'get to know him' as such.

ComtesseDeSpair · 04/05/2022 22:59

If can, if when you eventually do have sex you’re compatible. It can’t, if when you eventually do have sex you discover he won’t give oral sex / only wants sex in one position / with the lights off / can only get off if he wears your underwear / has a penis the size of a cocktail sausage.

I wouldn’t invest time in a man whilst waiting until date 10 to ask about his politics, what he does for a living, what his goals in life are and what he likes to do in his spare time and whether we were matched or not, so I wouldn’t wait until date 10 to find out whether we were matched sexually.

FriedTomatoe · 04/05/2022 23:15

I've not been great at waiting and I'm not sure how significant it is. The longest relationship I've ever had was with my ex DH and we had sex on the first date. I don't think our divorce had anything to do with sex or how quickly we had it.

My current BF I've been with 3 months. We've had issues which have made starting a sexual relationship difficult. Maybe it's the waiting and the fact I know and trust him more but I definitely feel more connected to him.

jewishmum · 04/05/2022 23:19

Date for a few more months, get married, then make love and babies.

Musttryharder2021 · 04/05/2022 23:28

jewishmum · 04/05/2022 23:19

Date for a few more months, get married, then make love and babies.

Lol, when babies arrive nothing will matter more than them and sex will be an afterthought. Nature plays cruel tricks on us....

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