A really long one here but if you do manage to read I’d really appreciate it.
Last month I found out my partner, had messaged an escort asking about one of her services. I only found out because an email popped up on his phone when we were sat together that said payment made to adult work. I asked him to own up to what he was doing on this website (adult work) and he told me it was for tokens and to watch porn. I had a baby six months ago and we’d had sex once since she was born. But all week leading up to this message he knew I was prepping to get ‘intimate’ again after the baby, however in that same week I’d been suffering with my mental health a great deal as I’d just found out my other child is going to be assessed for autism, my mum ended up in hospital, I’d also just found out I am a high risk for cervical cancer and I’d just ended up being a nightmare to be around and irate and taking everything out on him. He was being so distant though, hardly wanting to discuss my feelings about what was getting me down and sleeping on the sofa some nights and even sleeping in a different room to me and the kids on a recent family holiday. Anyway, I’m not opposed to porn in some respects - but paying for it? When we have money troubles. anyway I dug deeper and found chats to prostitutes when I was pregnant last year, on one particular day. He swears it was talk and he was never planning to do anything with them. These messages were asking to meet, at 7pm! It didn’t seem like that to me. And he was asking them for services that I don’t do at home in the bedroom, if that makes any sense. So it seems sexual? This was when he was away from home for one day. A few months prior to him sending these messages we were having a really bad rough patch and he was diagnosed as clinically depressed and I do believe I played a part in this - I know it doesn’t give him the right to turn to a prostitute, or anyone for sexual favours for that matter. Maybe I’m trying to justify his actions or maybe he’d have done this anyway? I suffer from severe PTSD, OCD and anxiety which I have had minimal help for. My mental health troubles started around 4 years ago and have spiralled ever since. I manage to work and function, im a ‘functioning anxious person’ and I’ve said this before. But inside, every day I’m battling my head. During mine and my partners relationship I was taking a lot out on him, if he didn’t follow any of my OCD rituals I would be emotionally draining to him. (I have contamination ocd which peaked with covid).
My mental health issues stem from my previous child’s father, who cheated on me whilst pregnant with my first baby and gave me sti’s whilst pregnant. My partner is aware of this, so to even consider a prostitute when I’m pregnant makes me feel sick. Why would he potentially put me through the same experience that made me unwell? Prior to this with my previous child’s father, I’d never suffered with my mental health and was a glass half full, happy person and had had ‘normal’, long term relationships that were ‘healthy’. My current partner is my first partner since my abusive ex and he was aware of all of my mental health issues and toxic, emotionally and physically abusive past where I have also been raped, so to me sex isn’t something to take lightly. I laid all of my cards on the table to my partner before we ever got intimate or went down a relationship route. I wanted to make sure he knew what to expect in a relationship with me whilst I was suffering with my mental health. Anyway, some good has come from his infidelity, as I now know and have come to terms with just how much help I need with controlling my emotions… calls to perinatal and my works counselling scheme have been made by me and I am awaiting CBT.
Moving on, and thank you if you are still reading, I’ve found out bits and bats as he’s drip fed the info to me. The more I find out, the more he gives. He swears everything is now out in the open. He swears it wasn’t to do with my mental health and he genuinely, actually doesn’t know the reason why he messaged the prostitutee but says he definitely won’t do it again as he now knows what he has to lose. He has said he wants his own counselling to understand himself as he said he feels he doesn’t know himself anymore. When I did find out about the prostitute messages his initial response was to shout ‘were not doing anything’ so again this leads me to believe it was sex related and not mental health related with his diagnosis of clinical depression. But he said it was an impulse answer. We’ve looked at couples counselling through my work and had a brief chat with a counsellor. Since I found out about his infidelity we have strangely connected in a new way. We’ve realised how unhealthy our relationship has been. Our ‘arguments’ which are usually one sided on my part (because he has never, ever spoken to me with an ounce of disrespect), never get discussed and we brush them under the carpet and half an hour later we’ll be absolutely fine. I think it’s blinded us both in to thinking we had a ‘happy’ relationship. We planned our baby and it happened very quick in to trying. The counsellor we spoke to believes that our relationship has ‘connected’ since learning of his infidelity because all cards are out on the table. There’s no lies weighing him down and in a way it makes sense (if he has actually told the whole truth).
It’s been an emotional rollercoaster this last couple of week. I’ve been up and down since finding out but somehow there’s still a connection there some days. I’ve known him 12 years, But I am now starting to wonder if I’ve ever really known him…
I’ve asked him to get his phone logs to see if any of the prostitutes were called. He’s admitted to texting them on his personal phone and has requested his phone logs which will be coming soon. He’s shown me his bank statements and credit card statements as evidence he’s never drawn cash out around this time that he was talking to prostitutes or made a bank transfer to a prostitute. Hes going to request doctors records and prove he never had an sti test behind my back - which I would have hoped, if he went to a prostitute, he’d have done this before potentially harming his unborn child by having sex with me, knowing my previous child’s father gave me sti’s when pregnant and knowing that his unborn baby could have gotten poorly. Hes also had a polygraph lie detector which has come back showing ‘no deception’ and that he hasn’t had sexual contact or intercourse with anyone but me. I gave him countless opportunities to tell me everything but he became the boy who cried wolf. He did say at the time he messaged them when I was pregnant, he thought he’d lost his family anyway due to our arguing a few months prior. And his excuse for doing it this time is the good old ‘I was curious’.
I’m really mad at him for this. I was pregnant. If he went through with seeing a prostitute then he could have harmed me and the baby and knowing what he knows about what my ex did to me and the sti he gave me, I would have thought he’d have had more sense. He knows I’m on top form with all stis, so surely he’d be scared shitless to give one to me and he knows stis can be transferred through oral and a condom. We have a family. He’s done this twice (as far as I’m aware). He’s been using adult work, only fans and porn hub while at work and told me men look at porn at work… it isn’t surprising but I can’t believe this is normal? I understand our sex life has been non existent, even when I was pregnant. But bloody hell, I was pregnant with chronic heartburn. Does he really need to watch porn at work and message escorts?
I’m no innocent in this at all. I’ve said some really hurtful things to him when I’ve had outbursts of anxiety and ocd. I never meant the things I said and do try to talk to him after about any arguments we have but he shuts me down and says ‘I know it’s your anxiety’. I’m just honestly a shell of the person I was but I’d been open and honest about how bad I could get to him and he assured me he’d support me and would be there for me and I told him if he feels my ocd is out of control to contact the relevant mental health services and I gave him their numbers. He’s never done this and never communicated his feelings to me. Like i say maybe he’d have turned to prostitutes anyway and maybe this is just his real character and I don’t want to believe it. Maybe he’s done it in the past? Or maybe it was me? I can’t wholly blame myself for this though and I think what bothers me most is that I was pregnant. Also, the fact that I feel any man who would entertain a prostitute doesn’t have much respect for women. I feel like my whole relationship and pregnancy has been a lie and that I don’t know my partner. It took a lot to let somebody in to my life and start a family after what I’d been through in my first pregnancy and I can’t believe he betrayed my trust. He seems to think counselling will help us both understand where we’ve gone wrong, how to communicate better and how to rebuild trust. I already know where I’ve gone wrong and that I’m going to do everything I can, whether I stay with him or not, to sort myself out so I can be a better person for everyone around me. I’ve been in such a hole these past four years but after being raped, given sti’s and physically and mentally abused I do want to give myself some credit as I have insight in to my problems and I want to and accept the need to work on myself.
I’ve actually realised for a long time my partner was pulling away from me and other people have too because some of my anxieties aren’t ‘rational’ but I guess that is how anxiety can be.
The question is do I accept he’s accepted where he’s gone wrong and move forward on the basis he’s going to do everything he can to make sure this never happens again. Or do I leave before I get more hurt? I’ve asked him if he has ever used prodtitutes before and told him that if he has, this would actually help me understand more, so that I could help him get the help he needs. But he swears he hasn’t. Would he really lie if I’m so ‘open and understanding’. I told him to perhaps consider sexual counselling but he got quite offended by this and swears he doesn’t have a porn addiction as he hasn’t watched it or felt he misses watching it since I found out. He does have a past of debt, which he lied to me about. I only found out about it whilst I was pregnant after seeing an email pop up on his phone notification, again when he was sat at the side of me. I have debt and I told him this prior to us making the decision to have a child, so why couldn’t he tell me about his debt? He says it was to fund a cocaine addiction a few years before we got together, which was short lived but very, very bad. He said this is why he never told me about the debt as he was embarrassed. Like I say I’ve known him 12 years so him having a cocaine addiction in his past was a shock to me. But I’m now wondering was it really a cocaine addiction or a prostitute addiction or perhaps I’m reading in to this too much?
It sounds so toxic. I guess it has been without us realising and never accepting that we had problems in our relationship. I feel like we’ve not appreciated each other for a long time now. Since I’ve found out I’ve let him stay at my house, so he can still be around the kids and we are acting normal in the day around the kids. It’s as functional as possible and maybe that’s some sign of hope.
He’s letting me track his phone and to be honest, he never goes anywhere anyway, but he was messaging these escorts at work, and so he could do this again at work. He’s really trying but I don’t want to live like this, tracking somebody, lack of trust, it’s exhausting. I just want monogamy, trust, respect and communication from a relationship. He failed to communicate with me and even tell me that my mental health was affecting our relationship, and I’m worried he may use my mental health as his scape goat out of his infidelity. I hope not, though.
Since I found out a month ago we have had more good days than bad; but I cannot get my head around feeling like I don’t know my partner and his attitude towards women being bought. I’ve been reading the UK Punting website and omg… yuck! It’s an eye opener.
He’s also fed me the line that with it being a prostitute it’s less personal and I guess he’s saying he thought it wasn’t as bad as ‘cheating with a normal person’ and would spare my feelings as such. I’d have rather him have had an affair or a one night stand, at least maybe I could have understood his reasons for infidelity more and the emotional connection, rather than seeking sex services. He says he didn’t realise how easy it was to book a prostitutr (lol) and when he realised, he got scared and never went through with it because he couldn’t. Ive asked him if he didn’t love me at the time or didn’t/doesn’t want to be with me and I’ve asked him to answer honestly and told him it is ok if he didn’t but he swears he did love me and wanted the relationship but he thought it was coming to an end anyway when he sent the messages. I’ve asked him if he would go to a brothel or pull up on the side of the road and make ‘enquiries’ and he’s said no. He literally normalised adult work and escorting to himself, a prostitute is a prostitute so why is it ok online but not at a brothel?
He has shown remorse for his actions however over the last couple of days he seems to be getting irritated at going over the same things in conversation and ‘getting nowhere’. He needs to accept that it is important to me and things won’t go back to ‘normal’ straight away, whatever normal even is because I don’t know anymore.
Thank you for reading and I welcome your advice. I’m an overthinker and I always try to understand peoples actions and I reason that good people can do bad things but sometimes my attitude leads me to being a doormat. I don’t want to be anyones doormat, anymore. My kids and my mental health will always be my priority and if it is in my childrens and my best interest to leave this relationship, Im sure I’ll find the strength and I’ll find a way.