Why am I heartbroken about leaving a toxic relationship?

[MyDogLucy]

That really. I'm finally at the point of separating from my husband, I've been unhappy for so long. We're mid 30s and been together since our teens. Two secondary aged children. We were fine for many years, never any major issues from what I can remember. Even now i can't pinpoint where it all went wrong. But it's been awful for the last few years.

I'm by no means perfect but honestly I've stuck by him and put up with so much. He developed feelings for someone he used to work with and decided we should split up. Then changed his mind. I was distraught and did the whole pick me thing, he blamed it on depression. Nothing ever happened physically but he really did have a bit of an obsession with her. I forgave and we tried to move past it. A few months down the line i caught him on a hook up site. Came so close to ending it for good that time but stupidly again i didnt. We've been together so long and I loved him so much i just couldnt imagine life without him.

Things have never really been right since then. We've tried and there were good times, things were ok for a bit but i could never really forget what he'd done. It got to the point he told me i clearly have issues and need counselling. There's been arguments that have got really nasty too. He's not violent but there's been times he's lost his temper and thrown/broken stuff. Shouted and swore at me, one occasion last year he shouted fuck off you fat miserable bitch, at me in front of the kids. Like i say I'm not perfect but I'd never dream of saying anything like that to him. Even as i read this back i know what everyone will be thinking and i know what I'd be saying if it was a friend saying all this to me about their partner.

I've been unhappy for ages and have been telling him this for months. We dont kiss or sleep together or have any physical contact and havent for some time. I got to a point i just felt numb to him and wanted him gone. It's finally all come to a head and we had a massive row and he's going to move out. All of a sudden I'm absolutely devastated and i dont know why. I'm actually really pissed off with myself for feeling like this. I thought all I'd feel was relief. But literally i cannot stop crying and feel like telling him I've changed my mind and he can stay. Even though i know if that happens, I'll be back to feeling unhappy again. I guess i just need some advice on how to handle this. I know deep down this needs to be the end. It's not fair on my kids. How do i get through this awful feeling? I've never been single as an adult, i dont know what to do. I cant cope with feeling like this any longer. Has anyone else felt like this when you've ended a relationship you knew was bad?

I'd say it's 100% normal to feel bad when ending any relationship, including a bad one.

Add the fact its such an incredibly long one, and one you were in from a young age...... my goodness of course you'd be very upset.

It will take time to recover and come to terms with it.

They say a third of the length of the relationship.

Fwiw he's a verbally abusive cheater.

You feel like this because you're normal. Change is hard, letting go of hope is hard, recognising that all your effort didn't fix it is hard.

Allow your feelings. Respect them. Feeling awful sometimes is part of life, and it's not permanent any more than joy is. Just let it be. It's a black cloud. They always blow over after a bit.

Thank you. I'm just finding it so hard. I don't know how to be on my own and it's terrifying but i know that's not a reason to stay in an unhappy relationship forever. It's not even like he's really sorry. He was remorseful for a while but eventually the comments started like 'you're the issue now because you hold on to the past, you can never get over anything'. He also promises certain things will change then denies ever saying it. He said he'd change his work so he would never have contact with that colleague again now all of a sudden he swears blind he never said that. He went away to work not long ago and i found out she was there. When i got upset and flipped out at him for lying he flat out denies making that promise. He says I'm trying to control him and telling what he can and cant do and that I dont want him to work. It's not like that at all. He can go out, see friends, do whatever he likes, all i asked was that he doesnt see her. But apparently because nothing ever happened between them, I'm being unreasonable.

I know when this is all written down it's clear I'm being manipulated but god it's so hard when I'm in the thick of it. He really gets in my head and i start thinking I'm the unreasonable one. But I've tried so long to make this work, it's making me ill. I dont think I'm a bad person but he seems to try and make out that i am.

He really gets in my head and i start thinking I'm the unreasonable one

That's abuse. You need to get in your own head, and fill it up so much there's no room for him. You know you're right. Make a rule for yourself, resolve not to break it: you're not going back. No need to get pulled back into the 'He said/I said' drama in your head.

You have a life to set up! And yes, you're not sure how to do it, but don't worry, many have been where you are. It's actually a strong position, because it's harder to rebuild your life when you have things already in place. Start from today: work it backwards. Picture life as you want it, and then what steps you need to take. Get the big stuff sorted first, but keep the little things in mind when making your decisions.

You'll be fine. Honest. I've been where you are, and now think that if I ever saw my ex again, all I'd have to say is 'Thank you for teaching me such a valuable lesson about abuse and self respect.'

I agree that it's a big change, and change can feel quite scary. Especially when it's him who has said he is moving out - so far he is making the calls and decisions. It isn't unusual to feel a lack of control when someone else is making those decisions.

I also think sometimes we grieve the relationship we thought it would be, rather than the one we had. I know when my exH and I divorced, I felt sad for a long time because I went into the relationship thinking it would be so different.

Hang in there- however it feels now, it will pass. You can do this!

Sorry I never came back to this. It's just been so hard. He has now moved out and staying at his parents, I think in his mind this is temporary and he thinks he'll come back. He's said several times he wants us to stay together and work at it. He's said all this stuff like how much better life is going to be for us, how we'll be better off financally this year, he wants to take me away just the two of us and his parents will have the kids etc etc. BUT is still absolutely digging his heels in about the one main thing our recent arguments have been about. He still occasionally works with the colleague I mentioned in my first post. A couple of years ago he said he'd stop working with her but now denies ever saying that and is basically saying no, he needs the money so it's tough. I've said SO many times how much that knocks me confidence, knowing that he still sees her, after he admitted having feelings for her! And he expects me to be ok with him working away and staying in the same hotel as her.

I'm really struggling to get used to being alone in the house all the time. At night when the kids have gone to bed is the worst. Then I have him messaging me sayng he misses me and he cares and just wants us to be happy etc etc. But won't actually stop doing the one thing he knows bothers me so much. So surely he can't care, can he?

Last week I stupidly had a wobble and asked him over when I was feeling really sad and he stayed over and we slept together. By the morning I felt sick with worry as I think I knew deep down I'd done the wrong thing. I felt like I was doing fairly ok through the week when I didnt see him but then yesterday I had to see hm when he saw the kids and now I feel consumed with missing him again. It's like when he's here, I have a horrible sick feeling in my stomach which goes when he leaves - but when he's not here I feel like I miss him and want him back. I don't understand it.

People keep telling me this gets better and gets easier but it's unbearable. He gets in my head and I end up thinking I need him. He says I'm too sensitive and dwell on things too much and that plenty of couples get past similar things and are fine - in fact his exact words were that he doesnt think what he did 'was bad at all considering what other couples have been through and moved on from'. I keep questioning whether he's right and it's me that's the issue.

Can people ever really change?

I am in a similar position to you and my exP said EXACTLY the same things about his cheating once he'd had a little token effort at being sorry, it then became my problem for not getting over it and he made me feel abnormal and weird for not just forgetting about it. People who transfer responsibility for their shitty actions onto the person they've hurt are cowards who will not put you first. I am like you and terrified of change- I will tell my partner I'm leaving then when it becomes reality I feel a desperate need to cling on to him and feel like I can cope with any amount of abuse as long as we stay together. For me it's taken a lot of internal coaching to take a mental step away from him. You have already made huge progress in physically getting him away from you. Don't undo this by letting him back in. If he's had previous opportunities to change and he hasn't, question why it is he's only able to do that when you've forced his hand. He's doing it for him, not you.

Totally normal for you to feel like this.

the best way I can explain what I think it is, is that you’re mourning the death of the hope of things ever working out, of you ever being happy in this relationship

to give up on something that’s shaped your life for so long is hard.

you’re uncertain of the future and that always unsettles us.

you are doing the right thing, rationally you know this.we’re here for you. Keep talking, keep pushing on to where you know you need to be. It won’t always be like this

you can’t see the good bits coming your way yet, but they will come

Do you know OPs if your OHs colleague has feeling for him or was it just one sided.

@BreakinbadBreakineven I'm sorry you're going through similar too. Are you still with the partner who cheated? It's so bloody hard isn't it. I knew this would be hard but never realised quite just HOW hard!

One way to look at it might be it’s the norm for him to be in the house. It’s a bit like if you were to move the fridge from one end of the kitchen to the other. You find yourself automatically going to its old position, before correcting yourself, and it seems to take ages before you get used to it’s new place.

your husbands presence is ingrained in your brains pathways. It will take time.

I would suggest writing down ALL the things he’s said/ done wrong that have hurt you. Make that list as long as you can. Read it often. Maybe make a list of his good points? This would only work if that list is rather short. This will help remind you.

Possibly, try and find a hobby/occupation to keep your mind occupied in the evenings. I do crochet. Or indulge yourself eating chocolates/watching trash tv ( stuff you wouldn’t have done, if he was in the house).

My OH and I are considering calling it a day after 30 years. He went away for two weeks with his family. We normally text and talk everyday, but we didn’t this time. It felt really weird. But I knew it was just the habit of knowing what he was up to everyday, there was a void. An empty space that needed filling.

@MzHz I think that's exactly it to be honest. All through the issues we've had I've been determined to make it work and still imagined us growing old together and it's letting go of that that's super hard. Even now I still imagine that, while the rational part of me knows I've given it my all and tried everything I can and I'm still unhappy. It's like a constant internal argument inside my mind because one part has accepted it and the other hasn't.

@abigailsnan I'm as sure as can be that it was one sided. That might sound naive but just from the stuff I know, and the evidence I saw, it was pretty clear it was one sided. But it was still enough for him to at one point tell me our relationship was over and he had feelings for someone else. It completely took over his life and made him check out of our relationship. And also the question of if she had shown interest, would he have done anything? That's a question I don't think I want to know the answer to.

@sleepymum50 that's such a good way of looking at it and is really helpful, thank you. That's exactly it. I've been with him my whole adult life, I've never known any different so I'm really struggling to adjust and quite frankly it's terrifying.

I'm sorry you and your husband are thinking of calling it a day. Did anything specific happen to cause this or did you just grow apart? I hope you're OK ❤

I stayed for 5 years post cheating, we've recently separated and I'm moving out to family in a few weeks. I'm still wavering though, mainly because of the change of environment, letting go of my lovely house and garden etc. I find any sort of change like that incredibly hard to manage, especially not knowing what the future will look like. But I have to do this because the alternative is be miserable being verbally abused whenever I disagree with him, and told how I'm allowed to feel. I like PP idea of making a list of bad and good points, I'm trying to do this mentally every time I start feeling nostalgic or sad. Also I've found focusing on his responsibility for the breakdown of the relationship helpful- he has had many chances to change his behaviour but hasn't, so he is equally as responsible for this situation as I am. I find that helps with the guilt and if I don't feel guilty then I'm stronger when he tries to worm his way back in.

People don't change. They can break bad habits but they are who they are.

Your ex was the same manipulative toad as a teenager as he is now. The only thing that's changed is that as a grown man, he is more confident in acting out his abuse.

He treats you worse because he is more confident that he can manipulate you to put up with it.

If you let him back now, you may never have the strength to get him away again.

Don't waste the rest of your life.

Grit your teeth and believe that there are happy times ahead for you without this mean man.

@MyDogLucy I feel your pain, been with mine for 17 years , 3 kids have had it confirmed I’m being emotionally abused currently living together but not talking & it’s hell some crazy part of my brain thinks maybe when he realises what he’s done he will feel awful & change who the hell am I kidding!! Your so lucky he’s moved out mine refuses to! Lots of good advice on here! Wish I could apply some of it to myself!! If you ever wanna talk pm me!! Sending hugs xx

My most painful break up was that of my most toxic relationship. I think sometimes it's because of the upset and trauma / the realisation once you're out that you wasted time on that person / the sadness when you're free and wish you'd done it sooner etc.

I'm in a very similar position. 2 months out of an almost 17 year abusive/toxic relationship. We met when I was 15. I don't know how to he in a relationship, I know him/us and it wasn't good. I don't have specific advice but I'm told it's normal to feel sad. Your relationship ended, your dreams shattered and the one other person who should care does not give a shit. I've started CBT. I'm on the waiting list for the freedom programme. I have a 'wish list' all the things I wanted to do but couldn't when he was here, simple things like watching programmes he doesn't like. Try something like this to keep your mind off things, remind yourself of why it needs to end, know what you're worthy of and don't cave in. You can do this ❤

OP you can't grow old with someone like this. I couldn't bear to read all of this, but the parts I did read and the way he makes you feel made me angry on your behalf.
He should make you feel safe and special and wanted and loved - the way you feel about your abuser.

ABUSER

That's what he is. He has ground you down so much that you feel as if you can't manage without him. That is what abusers do. It's how they get their power over their victims. The grind them into the dirt and step on them every day.

Get rid of this waste of space. Block him and cut contact. Give your head some space and come to your senses before you give in to a life of misery and regret

When I got out of my abusive relationship, it was seeing how quickly my son bloomed

it was the feeling of lightness I felt, not having to walk on eggshells

yes I felt that I was absolutely unequivocally THE most stupid person on the face of the earth, I lived in perma-cringe for weeks.

but it eased as i forgave myself.

we didn’t cause the bad relationship, heck we tried everything we could to make it work, but the relationship we wanted was in our imagination only. It was always totally at odds with the reality

when I left the ex, I had the words “and the truth shall set you free” on a loop in my head.

the truth is all we have. Face it. It’s cleansing, forgiving and powerful.

I remember telling my ex once “for you to make me look bad, you need to lie. For me to make you look bad, all I have to do is to tell the truth”

truth, integrity and honesty are what saves us here. Be authentic.