Do you think I handle things badly or the wrong way?

[ChocolatRaisins]

I have been thinking about this for a while and have decided to post. I think that I perhaps handle things wrongly or cowardly as I don't really like confrontation with people close to me.

In an everyday situation I am really assertive and do not take any nonsense of anyone. However, when it comes to friends and family or work colleagues I tend to not rock the boat and if I find myself in a situation I don't like I end up taking a step back or going LC.

These are 2 recent situations:

1. WRT my in-laws. In a nutshell, they have been very unpleasant to me for many, many years despite making massive efforts to be kind, generous and inclusive to them. I did once end up in an argument with them when I pulled my SIL up on her behaviour and my DH's whole family went for me and said I was a liar. As a result I feel it is pointless pulling them up on their behaviour and so I went low contact with them. I hardly see them now. They don't understand why I have done this and are a bit confused over it.

2. I am in a group of friends. I thought we were all close until I found out about gatherings happening where one or 2 of us where excluded (including me) and everyone got embarrassed and even a bit cross with me because I found out and they felt awkward. My DH says they are not real friends and so I took a big step back, took up some other hobbies to make new friends, but still hang out with them sometimes. Often the most reliable and dependable in the group, I am now not as available as I used to be.

3. Someone I used to be friends with decided to ghost me for no reason I can think of. I saw them in the street, she said something to her 10 year old DD and the DD gave me a filthy look. Great parenting! For a few weeks I was angry and wanted to text her, but then I decided I CBA and so next time I saw her I just totally ignored her.

So, this is how I handle things but for a while now I have been wondering if I cut off my nose to spite my face and that perhaps I should be more assertive and confrontational with other people. I just like a stress free, chilled life.

You're like a demonstration of strong, healthy boundaries.

What's making you think about changing?

Rather than being endlessly understanding and then cutting people dead when they really upset you, you could try being more assertive from the start, as you said, but without going to the extreme of NC.

So say clearly, No, I'm not happy about X, I don't want to do Y etc but still chat/message them. Then they have a chance to adapt to your preferences.

They might grumble but it gives them a chance and they can't then say they are confused.

Rather than being endlessly understanding and then cutting people dead when they really upset you,

Yes, I think this is what I do, leaving others confused as I was always the one who was chilled and understanding.

It’s a doubled edge blade, pros and cons to both ways.