Struggling with relationship issues

[Tempmum72]

Hi i really need some perspective as im just going around in circles. My husband and i have had some relationship issues on and off for years so much that i had planned to leave before lockdown. It wasnt an easy decision for me as my parents seperated and had a nasty divorce which affected me greatly. I love and care for my husband but we havent had sex in over 4 years mainly because i physically cannot stand him touching me i still very much want sex but the thought of kissing him or having sex with him repulses me. We have been for counselling as there was a lot of resentment built up over how he treated me during my pregnancies and when our children were little they are now primary age. We have worked through this but i still cant stand him near me in that way, we cuddle and hold hands but the thought of anything else is off putting. For a long time i felt i was having sex with him to appease him and would cry and feel awful afterwards it was breaking me emotionally. The therapist has given us intimacy tasks to do and i absolutely hate it. As a family unit we are good when we are with the kids and its not real life like holidays or weekends out but day to day i feel im faking my whole life. when its just me and him out on a date or away i feel like im not myself.. Im conflicted as to whether keep trying as it may work and i could save heartache for my family or admit that we love and care for each other but the relationship is over. Im worried if i try for another few years (im mid 40s) for nothing we have prolonged a situation and made things harder on the kids. If we didn't have a family I think we both would have given up by now. Also in therapy it came to light that my husband may be on the autistic spectrum and one of my children has had a referral for a diagnosis so i know change would be awful for him my husband isnt close to his family and apart from his job he has no other friendship or outlet so i feel i would be abandoning him. I do care about him but want more for myself and feel so selfish and guilty for that. Theres so much in my head all the time im really struggling. I dont know what to do sorry for long post.

I would seriously question a therapist that recommends intimacy tasks when you have disclosed your feelings ? - or have you disclosed your feelings.?

You get one life - the best thing you can do for your children is to be happy. Your husband is an adult - I assume able to look after himself if not then he needs to engage with support services - he is not your responsibility. Took me a decade to learn that statement (with therapy). You have a responsibility to live your best life, divorce does not necessarily have to be horrendous. Best of luck

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. If you feel its over its over. I would not drag this out further because of him or your children. Staying for their sake in particular is a very bad idea and one they would not say "thanks mum" to you for. What do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here?.

How did your H treat you during your pregnancies and when they were very young?.

Why does your therapist think your H may be on the autistic spectrum; is this person really qualified to state this of him?. This person may well be barking up the wrong tree here entirely. You are not responsible for your H; he is and he alone has been responsible for his choices. Its not your fault or responsibility that he is not close to his family and has no other friendship. You do not also have a combative divorce either even though both your parents did otherwise. Divorce is not failure.

Thanks for your replyMarblessolveeverything I havent told the therapist I cant stand him to touch me because I dont know how to tell him that. I did say I wasnt comfortable with it especially the fear of him wanting more. So she set small task which i cant even manage its like a physical reaction i just cant do it. Im straying individual therapy next week to try to see it can help me clear my head. Sometimes i think i just need to take that step and others i feel im being selfish.

Thanks for replying AttilaTheMeerkat. I always said prior to having kids id never stay if I wasn't happy I think I just have a problem knowing when its time to actually give up trying.

We had fertility treatment with our first and he didnt attend some scans when he could have, work is always a reason and its only now the kids are older he has started to be more flexible with his time.
When i got pregnant they thought i was miscarrying i was told to have bed rest intially and he just left me didnt even make food or drink my brother had to come! Again i had a bad pregnancy where i struggled to walk he wouldnt even shop or cook he would come home and order food for himself that couldnt have while pregnant i felt i had no control. Our first was premature and was in nicu for a while again he'd just leave us for ages I felt like i was begging for bare minimum.

Things were ok for a bit after that i got post natal depression but was getting better. Then i had our second again he wasnt great through the pregnancy i had health problems through it our first wouldnt sleep and husband would avoid coming home around bedtime even when he had done his hours he just worked later.
Id end up heavily pregnant sleeping on a bean bag on the floor of my first room.
To try to get him to sleep .
When i had them both my first was 2 and it was a lot. He'd leave for work at 6 and just would stay away as long as he would sometimes until 6 7,8 at night he had total flexibility over his hours. Theres lots of little things and i dont know if im overreacting. Things carried on until the kids were a bit older. We have spoke about it in therapy and he says he got overwhelmed and although we have talked it through i still feel hurt by it.

Now he is a really good dad and has agood relationship with the kids. I dunno if im overreacting to things in the past. He is really trying and i feel guilty that i still feel this way.

He let you down and abjectly so when you needed him the most. If you could not rely on him then can you at all rely on him now?. Its all very well him stating he was "overwhelmed" but that is no excuse or justification for how he acted then either. Would you want your kids as adults to be in a relationship like this, no you would not and its not good enough for you either.

Women in poor relationships often write the good dad comment when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man. You and he can still choose to have a good co-parenting relationship apart if you both choose to do so.

You're not obliged to find him attractive or to want to have sex with him, and it's not your choice, either. The world would be a very different place if we could choose our feelings. Think about it: everybody would choose to like the gym and hate chocolate. We would all choose to enjoy studying and become super smart, we would all choose to love exercise and get amazing bodies. We would all choose to hate alcohol and other addictive substances. We would choose to hate cake.

Why do you feel guilty for finding him unattractive, when it's absolutely not your choice?

I feel guilty for wanting to leave because of that. I talk to people and they say its just phase it isn't that important its just sex. But its the connection its all of it. We can be a happy family when its us and the kids but me and him something is missing for me and dont kniw how much longer i can carry on hoping it will get better. I dont even know if it can .

If something is missing for you then something is missing for you. You only need to give your own self permission to leave. These people (parents and friends can also be overinvested) who have said to you its just a phase, it is not important and its just sex are clearly wrong; things have not been right re you and he for years. To my mind you and he should not be together.

What people say to you is what they believe is important for them in their relationships.

Why are you giving their point of view respect, and, in contrast, feeling that your own point of view is something to feel guilty about? Is your view on how you want your relationship to work less valid to you than theirs?

Thanks everyone i know have issues with advocating for my needs and when I do think about leaving I end up torturing myself about how it will affect the kids and him. I feel sad for them all and feel its my fault i cant make it work or i can't just be happy with what i have. Theres a huge fear of failure and i guess safety in what is known.

Really appreciate your comments as its helped me see that im feeling guilty over things i cant help feeling x

We can't change how we feel, any more than we can change the weather when we don't like it. It's just nature. It's your nature. We have to respect that. All you can do is choose places/people/situations that keep our feelings where we want them to be.

Just as, if your child didn't like going on the swings, you wouldn't try to make them like it, you'd just say 'OK, no swings, then. What do you feel like doing? Slide? Roundabout?' you have to do the same for your feelings. Look after them. Care for them. Be gentle and kind with them. Don't like sprouts? Don't force yourself to eat them. Don't like a particular town? Don't force yourself to go there. Don't want to kiss this particular man? Don't do it.

I know it's hard and it has repercussions, but all you can do is respect your feelings, and present them calmly and respectfully to the world. 'Ew, get off me, you gross sex pest!!' is very different from sitting him down for a chat and gently telling him your feelings have changed, and you wish they hadn't.

That's the bit you can control: how you go about respecting your feelings.

Thanks watchkeys what you said makes sense its hard to see clearly when you are in the middle of it all. The sex pest comment made me laugh 😂

Please stop traumatising yourself (crying after sex, being repulsed by the thought of intimacy).
You must feel in a trap right now if the couples therapist isn't aware of how you really feel about your husband, nor is your husband. Is the counsellor next week the same person?
If not you maybe need to be honest with the couple's therapist and/or your husband so that the 'homework' stops.
I think if after all this time your feelings about him haven't changed it would be unlikely (not impossible) you will magically fancy him again.
I hope you work things out

I do apologise if I’m over simplifying this. But it sounds very much to me like HE killed all the love and intimacy when you were pregnant and up to your knees in nappies and bottles. He basically bailed on you when the going got tough (and it’s certainly tough with multiple tots). He didn’t step up, used work to hide from family life and wants to be a family man now that the kids are more independent and easier to care for. His excuse is that he was overwhelmed? Well, weren’t we all.
No wonder you can’t abide the man! Fuck that!
I couldn’t fancy someone who thinks that family life and marriage is something you can dip in and out of when you feel like it.
This marriage breakdown is most certainly not on you, OP.

I'm also mid 40's. Was with exdh for 23 years. Over the years resentment grew, respect was lost and the sex was seldom and mechanical (was all about him). No affection and I wonder how many years ago we actually stopped loving each other. We had a fight after Christmas, he said he hated me and all sorts of nasty stuff, then he moved out.

I've not missed him in the slightest. Ds happier, we're all happier including ex. I've also quickly got my mojo back with an ex from teenage years. Only a secret once a week thing but it's so nice to want it again and be wanted. I'm adamant I'll never live with another man again though.

Life is too short, move on and be happier.

And by moving on, I mean being alone. I'm loving being just me and D's at give now. It's calm and peaceful.

*home

Thanks everyone I've took some time thinking and realised that the way it is with him is not sustainable. I have a lot of issues with feeling guilty but that's something I need to work on as honestly I'm miserable putting everyone but myself first.

thisyearsuckssofar so glad to hear how happy you are it must have been a difficult time but gives me hope about what is on the other side of this xx