Worried that friend is in abusive relationship!

[MrsRCBlack]

Hi all, wondering if I can get some opinions on this as I might be overthinking. NC as I don't want to be identified.

I met my friend around the same time she started dating her boyfriend, so didn't know her before. I've now known them for 4 years. The first time we all met was at a large dinner with other friends - it was early on in their relationship and he didn't really talk to anyone else but her - really hanging onto her and lots of public affection. I thought it might be social anxiety so let it slide.

Now obviously it's years on and I have very weird feelings about him... my gut really dislikes him. He's EXTREMELY over affectionate with her in public in an inappropriate manner - tongue kissing her during small intimate dinners, interrupting her conversations to kiss her, grabbing her constantly - it just seems really strange? I wouldn't be pleased if DH started making out with me like a teenager whilst I was talking to a friend. I noticed she stopped shaving her legs & armpits when out with us as a girls group & he's not there (nothing against this of course, but it's really not like her) and is constantly on her phone texting him. When he's in another conversation nearby, he stands close and listens to everything she's saying to her girlfriends, sometimes interrupting to control the conversation or stop something she's saying. He doesn't allow her to have a credit card (she doesn't have a history of reckless spending as far as I know). She's called me crying after he's shouted at her calling her the c word. He appears to choose her meals when we're out, suggesting that she could have this or that - and she never disagrees. We're all in our early thirties for reference.

She's quite vulnerable, suffering with a few mental health problems and lost both her parents young. She truly believes he saved her and couldn't live without him. I'm just not sure what to do in this situation. When we're alone together I try and broach the subject but she immediately shuts it down, saying how amazing he is. Has anyone been in a situation like this and what did they do??

It's called coercive control. I have been in this situation. I left in the end but it was difficult as over the years I had been isolated from my family and friends. All you can do really is be there for your friend as a consistent presence and encourage her to expand her horizons in ways not involving him. This will give her confidence outside of their relationship. The more you push it the more she will push back because she is so grateful to him. Deep down she will know and hopefully eventually she will male strides to leave.
I tried saving a stash of money as an escape fund but he found it. Eventually he decided he wanted to go to uni and that I should work full time to support him. Without him knowing, I also applied to go to uni as I'd always wanted to go (where he got the idea). I got in to a uni at the other end of the country. I tried to convince him it was for us, knowing I'd end it as soon as there was distance between us. When I got there, turned out he'd been seeing another woman for a long time so with the added distance I sold it as only logical to split. I did have problems wib him for some time after but my friends got me through it.

@PlntLady thank you for your response - I'm so sorry that you went through that. Were there any signs early on that you now recognise? I'm so pleased that you made it out. 💐

There were lots of signs but unfortunately I was too young and naive to notice. He also did what you describe around food, I initially unduer the guise of helping get my weight 'under control'... also his suggestion (I was a size 12 to 14). I think the other big flag I missed was around him asking me not to wear certain clothes but phrasing it in a 'you dont have to' type way. Tbh all the red flags after this just merged together.

My friend is in a horrific abusive relationship. She has left about 10 times now but always goes back. She has many friends that rally around when she leaves hoping she will stay away. She doesnt. I am afraid all you can do is be there for her when she calls, is distraught and leaves. She will most likely return to him every time. Unfortunately my friend actually left a few months ago and started divorce proceedings, found somewhere else to live and we spent hours, days and weeks supporting her. She went back last week to him. She has lost a few friends over this as they put their all in supporting this last attempt to leave.

If her partner gets any idea that you think this way, he will do his utmost to prevent your friend from having anything to do with you. So you're going to have to be very careful. She needs all the help she can get.