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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Tell me to stop texting him!!!!

22 replies

whymewhyme · 04/05/2022 06:39

So i have another post on here atm about what my dog of a husband has done.

Since i made him leave he has been cold,cut me off, reading msgs and not reply back, i can't get any real answeres as to why he did what he did other than he fell out of love.... well that will happen when your dicking anther woman.....a woman you conned into a pathetic attempt of a affair. no remose nothing.

Yesterday he txt he was sorry and it was a mess, he's done the whole its not you it me BS. Anyway i thought i got somewhere with him yesterday but then he obviously decided to stop entertaining me and he kept reading txts and not replying which just makes me angry. even now when he has nothing, not even her and hes in his dads box room hes STILL not bothered about what he's done and what hes he's lost. I don't even know who this man is.

I want to txt him and say that given the severity of what hes done to me after 16 yrs he should be remorseful, begging for forgiveness and answering my questions as it's the very least i deserve but then i think what's the point. He doesn't care hes making that loud and clear.

He's picking DC up tonight and I am dreading it.

What do i do now?? Not txt anymore?

OP posts:

Motnight · 04/05/2022 06:42

Other posters will give lots of wise advice. But stop texting him about anything other than the kids. And stop expecting him to have a sudden realision that he has behaved appallingly and is sorry. He doesn't care.

Good luck. You are well rid of him.

WeAreTheHeroes · 04/05/2022 06:42

What do you want to achieve? What do you think will help you achieve that? Might it be better to write it all down, or type it into an email, that you don't send but at least you'll have downloaded it from your brain and it might help you move on?

KangarooKenny · 04/05/2022 06:44

You need to stop all communication except about the children.

Theunamedcat · 04/05/2022 06:45

Stop texting him and get someone else to do the handover or at least be present so he can't be contrite to your face and gaslight you later about it

Always have a witness

HeDidWhattt · 04/05/2022 06:48

Why should he beg for forgiveness?? His not sorry, some people are not sorry, their happy to have affairs or risk things, happy to gamble, he isn’t sorry as he knew the risk but it was still worth it. I’m having an affair, I won’t be sorry either if I get caught.

The problem here is you, you haven’t accepted that it’s over and your trying to patch something up or fix something that’s too broken I’m afraid.

2catsandhappy · 04/05/2022 07:06

Stop texting. Change his phone name to 'Knob'. Have the dc ready at the door when he turns up. Be on your phone to someone so you don't have to look at him or speak to him. Wave the the dc off with a breezy ' see you later', turn your back and shut the door.
When they return, hold the door to let dc in and say to Knob, 'Pick them up Friday at 6(or whatever) bye' If he splutters something about needing to talk, firmly say 'Not now, I'm busy, bye' and shut the door.
He has left you. He does not get to say when you engage with him.

unicornsarereal72 · 04/05/2022 08:17

He isn't going to give you any answers there aren't any other than he is a selfish arse. Sit on your hands. Draft emails and don't send them. Journal. Anything but reaching out to him. He is no longer your go to person his actions show you what you mean to him.

As for the kids. Agree a time have them ready at the door and send them out.

Go as low contact as you can. Take control of this situation. He is playing you. Don't let him.

Watchkeys · 04/05/2022 09:33

Get it into your head that he doesn't see it as his responsibility to do what you say he should do. And he's right: he's a grown man, and adults do what they think they should do themselves. That's how, as adults, we show each other who we are. We do what we want.

Your responsibility to yourself isn't to get him to 'do life right'. It's to choose who to be around. You can choose whatever life you want. You can choose people who wind you up and upset you by doing things in a way that grates on what you thin should be happening, or you can find people who do things in a similar way to you, who have a similar feeling to you about what should happen, and about how people should treat each other.

Work out which will make you happier/more peaceful/content/relaxed/open/able to be yourself as you want to be. Then do that.

Does it involve texting him?

Iamnotamermaid · 04/05/2022 10:27

He knows exactly what he has done..you do not need to text him this. All communication solely about kids & move on.

MardyOldGoth · 04/05/2022 10:32

He doesn't care hes making that loud and clear.

You said it! You deserve better and he deserves nothing from you. Give him exactly that.

Original poster

whymewhyme · 04/05/2022 12:48

I didn't txt him, my self preservation kicked in. No contact accept about DC. He wont ever give me the answeres i need to move on beacuse if his lips are moving he is lieing.

OP posts:

Theunamedcat · 04/05/2022 17:40

Well done keep it up now!

DaisyStPatience · 04/05/2022 17:47

The ONLY way you get closure in this situation is through accepting that there is no closure.

It sounds baffling until you've done it, but you have to do it eventually for your own sanity.

Men like your husband only apologise if they stand to gain something by it. It wouldn't be a genuine apology, it would be a manipulation tool.

The early days are hard, you'll make a total dick of yourself but that's because you're human and you're working your way through real, messy feelings. They look cool and collected but it's because they're missing that humanity. It's easy to envy it when you're a mess but actually it's something to pity them for. They're dead inside.

Maytodecember · 04/05/2022 19:55

@DaisyStPatience ‘s post :
“Men like your husband only apologise if they stand to gain something by it. It wouldn't be a genuine apology, it would be a manipulation tool. “

Exactly what I was going to say. Anything he says by way of grovelling, apologising is going to be so shallow an ant couldn’t drown in it.

Communicate only about the children and concentrate on you —- see friends, do new things.

PeekAtYou · 04/05/2022 20:13

He's a liar and a cheat so any begging or apology can't be believed.

I know that you think you'll feel better if he was sorry but his actions have shown that he's not the man you thought and he's changed you into a new version of you.

I've been there and I know it's hard but you need to use your energy on getting through the day. You need energy to do the mundane shit like laundry. Every time your mind wanders to him, remind yourself that he's not the man you thought he was and he's not your problem any more. Leave him alone and only communicate if you have to. He can't give you what you want or need right now.

PeekAtYou · 04/05/2022 20:16

If you won't mute him then have a new rule about texting him back 6 hours (or whatever) after he texts. Texting him back immediately just leads to more texts and more stress. Stretching text conversations out puts you in control and will hopefully lead to fewer texts from him.

Original poster

whymewhyme · 04/05/2022 22:03

I saw him this evening , he said sorry but it was so ungenuine just looked at the floor. I won't get closure i get that now. No contact unless it's about dc

OP posts:

allboysherebutme · 04/05/2022 22:18

I'm sorry to be brutal but he doesn't love you, so he doesn't feel remorseful or sorry, but he isn't sorry, he has got what he wants and is out of the relationship.
Stop texting him and pull yourself together for your own sake don't allow him to bring you down like this.
Walk away with your head held high. X

allboysherebutme · 04/05/2022 22:19

It's his loss. X

Zerrin13 · 04/05/2022 23:36

I have been in this situation. I know how upset and desperate you are feeling. How could he not care after all those years and a family together. You are trying to assuage your pain by texting him in the vain hope that he will have an epiphany and realise how much he has lost and beg you to take him back because he loves you really. I'm so sorry but its a complete waste of your time and emotions. He doesn't think or feel like a normal person. If you accept this you will save yourself months more of heartbreak. Its been said countless times upthread. Contact only about the children. Dont let him know anything about you ever again.

Original poster

whymewhyme · 05/05/2022 05:55

I'm stuggling, he must be the best actor in the world because we/he was happy.
Your right he doesn't think and feel like a normal person. No contact from now on even thought it's killing me andbi want to ask lots of questions. He doesn't care at all even though he has nothing. He is like a robot.

OP posts:

Sofacouchboredom · 05/05/2022 06:41

Honey, your desire for answers is perfectly normal. You only found out a few days ago.

But you can't square a hole, you can't make sense of the senseless.

To be able to justify his affair he has formed a whole different narrative of your life together and you. He's convinced himself that this truth is THE truth. We all want to believe we're good people, so when we do terrible things our brains have to compensate. In his head he will have had the affair because you are x, y, z and he was terribly unhappy and she's the love of his life. This is most likely absolute rubbish.

All your texting in the world will not make the slightest difference and will only hurt you more.

These kind of crazy making affairs happen in happy relationships, that's why you're so absolutely bamboozled and shell shocked. I know it well, but you have to grey rock. Only talk finances and children. You're dealing with a practical stranger.

Please don't trust the affair partner's story of being lied to too. I know what too many stories where although initially 'shocked' the man had lied to them, the communication continued and they went back and carried on.

I wrote on your other post, visit chump lady and get a copy of 'leave a cheater gain a life', it will help you understand the mind of these men in affairs. It will help you create some space for yourself.

You're worth more than this, self care first, grey rock and read others stories. You'll see how common this is.

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