How to deal with people who are nice to you, but horrible to others?

[FreeFlowersForAll]

This has been a lifelong wonder of mine!

I have autism, which may explain why I don't get this.

How do you deal with someone (say a colleague, friend, or family member) who is always nice to you, but you know for a fact is horrible to one or two people?

I have been on both ends of this type of person. The problem is, when I have asked someone why they're mean to someone else, they have often turned on me, so I don't tend to ask now!

I just don't get why some nasty people have so many friends and such good social lives?!?

I am not autistic but also have a problem with it. You are correct they could turn on you and start being nasty to you.

I tend to be polite, non confrontational (unless the situation absolutely requires I defend someone they are attacking) and keep my distance. So I avoid getting into long conversations and if they start going on about something I don't like I make my excuses and get away.

I just don't get why some nasty people have so many friends and such good social lives?!?

I wonder how many of their friends are real friends who actually like them. They might just not really know how to deal with them so suck up to them in order to keep on their good side.

What is there to deal with? You know they're capable of being unpleasant, so keep a distance, without inconveniencing yourself, so, if it's someone you have to be around, keep a polite distance.

Human interactions aren't a riddle. If you feel safe with someone, allow them close to you. If you don't feel sure, keep them more distant from you.

Well done for noticing.
I have experienced this the other way around and nobody notices.
I can't understand why somebody would have two personalities on the go and not be asham3d about that..

I can't understand why somebody would have two personalities on the go and not be asham3d about that..

They might be just trying to be non confrontational and fit in a bit too hard.

They might just enjoy the drama of the situations each personality type gets into.

I always wonder how people can be friends with people who have treated others like shit. I always take the victims side but I know many people who, when people have treated me like rubbish have said that they just don't like to get involved. They showed you who they were take notice.

The person might not be being horrible, they might be asserting their boundaries or reacting to someone who has been a shit to them?

If they are genuinely horrible to others & nice to you, it's either

a) them defending themselves against other rude people
b) you haven't upset them yet.

I've one friend who is B. I did upset her once accidentally & she went ballistic on me too. I didn't wear it & she apologised, but I'm careful to be neutral. She loves drama (but constantly says she hates drama!).

I've also had the friend who was nice to me/horrible to others. Turns out she was just horrible about me behind my back. It was jealously but I still cut her off.

I am afraid. I am a people pleaser. And I hate the drama. I'd rather just coast. It's cowardly and unsociable. And hasn't made me friends. (Nor any enemies)

My daughter is autistic, and the purest soul. She does not suffer fools, nor fakes, nor any variant of human that isn't true. She cannot be bullied, largely because she finds it as funny as they do, or, worse, pities them their lack of humanity. She makes me wish I called them out. Or at least made eye contact instead of looking the other way.

They're a bloody riddle to me!

I had done nothing to upset the two women who iced me while love bombing all others around us. They have never met, one is a relative and one was a colleague. I think i found the answer in a pete walker book. It is the fawn-fight response to stress. A hybrid response. So they can literally have two personalities on to go at once. The lovely one for the people who can validate them and the cold as ice silent treatment for you if they have decided you are persona non grata.

In my case i hadnt fallen out with or upset either of these two women. I think the "stress" in their minds that i was slightly lower status than them (,older less extrovert, single parent) but yet attractive and able to connect with people.

All of this was two -three years ago now. I needed to lose that scapegoat energy.

Ps, and altho they'd never met they both behaved in such a text book similar way. It helped me realise that it was them, not me. They were both using passive aggression. Not my style at all.

Evil triumphs when Good Men do nothing. By turning a blind eye to others' bad behaviour you validate it.

I just don't have people in my life that I've ever witnessed being consistently shitty to a person or group of people.

It's just a matter of time before they'll be horrible to you, so protect yourself and don't take it personally when they finally turn.

That's weird that you mentioned that because I find it completely batshit weird when people bitch to me awfully about someone and then I find they've liked and commented in their social media. Happened to me so many times that I've realised it's all complete nonsense and that everyone is seemingly badmouthing each other and sending smiley faces to them. I've learnt the hard way that people lie.

Sometimes adult women behave like teenage girls. The hierarchy, queen bee, nasty girl and victim stereotypes etc. Social status is also hugely important to some. It’s daunting and bizarre. Heard a few running down others but then smiles and besties on Facebook.