Should I give him a chance?

[uclmerc]

I've just met someone via a dating app and we've been on a few dates. We get on very well, have shared values and there is a lot of chemistry, but he happened to mention that he had just got out of a 6.5-year relationship (after ongoing issues for a couple of years in the relationship, she broke up with him a month ago). We were both open about our dating history and I mentioned that I had been through a bad break-up last year and that I am keen to find the right person this time for something long-term.

After that date, I sent him a message saying that I wasn't sure that we were both looking for the same thing and that he wouldn't be over his ex for a while, so perhaps we should stop seeing each other. I said that casual relationships didn't make me feel fulfilled and I thought that was more what he was looking for. He said he understood my being hesitant given my recent break-up, but that I shouldn't worry because he thought we were on the same wavelength: he likes me and the time we spend together is great. He said things are well and truly over with his ex and that if we cease being on the same wavelength, we can just stop seeing each other so we should "go with the flow."

He has since gone out of his way to come and see me, not just for "Netflix and chill," but I'm unsure whether to take it slow and give him a chance, or to cut it off now. Any advice please?

What has he done wrong exactly?

Men tend to get over relationships far quicker than women do. They kind of pack them away.

Not all men, obvs, but maybe you can take this one at his word.

After that date, I sent him a message saying that I wasn't sure that we were both looking for the same thing and that he wouldn't be over his ex for a while, so perhaps we should stop seeing each other.

Tbh i think it's him that shouldn't give you another chance. You told him he wasn't over his ex? What gives you the right to do that?

Lol, I was just thinking that it's amazing he's given OP another chance after all the drama she's determined to create with the email and all 😏

You sound very, very insecure. You need to get into a better position before starting any new relationship. He has done nothing and you're considering giving him another chance? That's a toxic environment for him.

I see the OP's point, 1 month after a 6.5 year relationship is quick to get involved with someone else saying you want something long term. Actually, I assume she means 1 month now, so it was only a couple of weeks after the breakup that they met.

I think she's just been open about her concerns, not toxic.

I don't think it's a case of giving him another chance as he hasn't done anything wrong, just deciding whether you do want to go with the flow for a bit, knowing that he might turn out to not be ready. That said, relationships can falter after a few dates for any reason. I suppose the risk here might be a bit higher but it depends how well you get on. Just don't get too invested quickly.

Did he say how the relationship ended? For me, if it had run its course and wound down but she was the one to call time then that would suggest that a new relationship at such an early stage might have a better chance than if he was blindsided or she was cheating or similar as he had probably mentally come to terms with it ending before the fact.

That said, it can definitely work out. I was gutted (at the time, now I'm glad for them!) to see an ex out with a new girlfriend a week after our 3 year relationship broke up. They're still together approx 9 years on. Our relationship had definitely wound down slowly, rather than ending in a big row.

Be wary of being his rebound relationship. He may be sincere or he may have a girlfriend shaped hole he wants to fill quickly - to help him get over his heartbreak and/or to show his former partner that he's moved on. Be wary of him wanting to take lots of pictures with you to share on fb, I've known people do this on the rebound (See! See! I'm deliriously happy and over you already!) and it never ends well.

If you're not sure about someone, after a few dates, don't bother. The right person will be blowing your socks off from day one, not giving you a 'maybe, maybe not' feeling.

The details of why don't matter. It does matter to work out why you'd bother to continue with someone you don't think is utterly brilliant for you.

If you like him, date him, no one knows if it will evolve into a relationship or not, even with the best intentions sometimes, it's about compatibility.
If he's looking to date and not just go round yours, then that can be a promising sign.

💯 This, I was even going to use the phrase "an ex-shaped hole"!

I've been the rebound girl. Was shit.

I wouldn't. Its way too soon and indicates he can't be single or might turn around and say its too soon for him once you've developed feelings.

On a dating app and meeting up a month after a 6 and a half year relationship ended - who hardly has time to breath when that happens? Why the rush on his part?

I don't think that's true at all. Maybe they're better at hiding their emotions (or just more likely to because that's still a societal norm)?

I think it's generally the person doing the dumping that seems to get over the relationship a lot quicker than the person being dumped. Often because the dumper has already made up their mind and come to terms with the relationship ending before they tell the dumpee that it's over. It's always harder getting dumped than it is dumping someone else.

If you like him then give it a chance, but just be aware that he's possibly on a rebound. All break ups are different and sometimes it's easier to move on more quickly than others.

Unless the dumpee has pushed the dumper to do it. So many men do that and wait for their wife to be the bad guy by divorcing them.