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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I need an outsiders opinion

24 replies

cruffincrunch · 03/05/2022 13:14

I've been reading and sometimes add to posts but have name changed for this thread. I really need some outside opinions as I'm a little confused about what's happened here..! Married 12 yrs not been a happy marriage since I found out about my H affair(s) and tried to get over it but recently decided I can't forget and never can forgive the hurt that's been caused by him. I've blocked it all out for too long with wine o'clock (stupidly) and the slow increase of wine lead me to having more than is wise so I went AF Jan/Feb/March. April i somehow hit the wine again, not as much but not great and I'm not proud and back on the AF juice. H seems to encourage it and thinks blurring the lines with alcohol makes everything ok (it absolutely doesn't change anything)!! We are no longer intimate, I refuse to be and I want to leave the marriage as soon as I'm able and have made that very clear. I tend to sleep in my DC bed but if unable as dc sleeps like a starfish I go into the main bedroom with H but wear PJs and keep my distance. Friday night I woke to him touching me, shrugged him off and I was sleeping. Next thing I know he's inside me and comes quickly my pj pants half way down my legs and in a sticky mess. I woke confused and have spent the weekend wondering what the heck has happened. He's pretending all is fine and even tried to grope me again Saturday night - I got out the bed and slept on the sofa. He keeps pretending it's all OK, it's not for me and this recent incident has made me feel very confused. I'd had quite a bit to drink but definitely did not initiate sex. He's made comments before when I've asked him not to touch me in bed - get out the bed then, I can't help it, I just want a cuddle, and so on.. I feel violated by his actions. He's been a very controlling man throughout our marriage but I'm pretty sure this latest twist is a step to far. Im too frightened to actually say it out loud to a friend in real life but how would you feel?

OP posts:
BritInAus · 03/05/2022 13:15

This is rape. No ifs or buts. You cannot consent to sex when you are asleep / under the influence. Please leave this revolting man as soon as you possibly can.

Greensleeves · 03/05/2022 13:18

He raped you. No wonder he encourages you to drink - I wonder whether this is the first time.

I'm so, so sorry Flowers but you need to get away from this man. Today.

Frenchfemme · 03/05/2022 13:18

There is no nice way to put this - he raped you. Please get away to a place of safety as soon as you can. And don’t be afraid/embarrassed to let people know what he has done.

NalashixTerashkova · 03/05/2022 13:19

He raped you.

Are you going to contact the police? I'm really sorry.

StillWeRise · 03/05/2022 13:20

you have already decided you want to leave, as PP has said, you did not consent to this, if you have no DC you can just leave
speak to women's aid if you want to clarify things but this sounds like an abusive relationship to me, without a doubt

cruffincrunch · 03/05/2022 13:25

You've all said exactly what I've been thinking, I'll be speeding things up as I believe this is a tactical approach on his part to fulfil his needs regardless.

OP posts:
QualityGuarantee · 03/05/2022 13:25

I..................he raped you.

anotherdisaster · 03/05/2022 13:36

I'm so sorry he did this. He is scum. I hope you can get away ASAP.

BritInAus · 03/05/2022 13:40

Please take great care. We are all here to support you. Your life and your DC's life will improve no end without this 'man' in it xx

LadyJGrey · 03/05/2022 13:41

I’m sorry Op.
What they all said is correct.
It’s very worrying he’s encouraging you to drink - as a PP said, it does make you think if he’s done this before when you’ve perhaps been too deeply asleep to know.
How are you today?

cruffincrunch · 03/05/2022 13:46

I did wonder the same! I'm OK but certainly freaked out by his actions. It's been a very controlling marriage and this has become more evident as time has gone on. I've been financially controlled and also believe to have been tracked. My whereabouts seems to be of high importance and I'm questioned often about where I've been who I've seen or spoken to. I know I need to leave, I've been looking hard to get out, saving quietly and doing extra hours at work. I feel so embarrassed this has happened!!

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 03/05/2022 13:48

Please don't be embarrassed, the fault is all his - he's a monster. Abusers are very good at cultivating self-blame in their victims, it's just another form of control. The sooner you get away from him the better.

Pancakesbeforesunset · 03/05/2022 13:52

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/05/2022 13:53

This is all on him.

You need to divorce him asap; he is not going to make you leaving him at all easy because he is abusive and this is no life for you or your kids. Saving money takes time and you need legal advice re divorce, please seek legal advice on the quiet asap. How can you be helped here into leaving your abuser?.

Greensleeves · 03/05/2022 13:54

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What the fuck?! Take your shitty attitude back to the stone age where it belongs, ffs.

cruffincrunch · 03/05/2022 13:56

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I would be absolutely delighted if he had a relationship with someone else and left me alone. I wouldn't even consider it cheating now as my wedding ring is off and I'm no longer married as far as I'm concerned. I've made that very clear to him.!

OP posts:
myarsebiscuits · 03/05/2022 13:57

@Pancakesbeforesunset reported your post

If you can't see what's wrong with it suggest you back off this thread.

The op doesn't need a rapist apologiser.

He raped the op. There's no 'excuse' for it.

Choice4567 · 03/05/2022 14:02

@Pancakesbeforesunset reported. Absolutely disgusting post.

saggyhairyass · 03/05/2022 14:07

op contact Rape Crisis for your area. Also give Women's Aid a ring.

Do you have anywhere you can go? Friend, parent, family member?

@Pancakesbeforesunset I've reported your post too. Awful.

ValenciaOrange · 03/05/2022 14:07

@Pancakesbeforesunset
Do you think all single men, divorced men, widowed men, etc who don't have access to sex on tap are entitled to rape women?? What an awful comment to make.
He raped because he chose to be a rapist. No other reason.
I am really sorry this happened to you OP and hope you get out of your marriage soon.

Tothepoint99 · 03/05/2022 14:15

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👀👀👀

MiseryWIthAStent · 03/05/2022 14:31

I'm so sorry OP Flowers

cruffincrunch · 03/05/2022 20:34

Thanks for all your input today, it's been helpful and I'm going to reach out to a local organisation tomorrow to talk more about what's going on. Couldn't bring myself to do it earlier today but know it's absolutely the right way forward for me.

OP posts:
Itstimetoquit · 12/05/2022 10:53

How are you op x my god that man is awful!

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