Is this an abusive relationship?

[Dragonfly999]

I would really appreciate some insight on this situation, especially if someone has been in a similar place.

My husband and I have been together for 20 years since we were 16. We've had a fairly normal marriage, until November last year... I was going away for the weekend with my best friend and he found out we were sharing a bed together in the hotel room (I didn't see the big deal). From this point on, he became extremely paranoid and was convinced I was having a lesbian affair.

For the last 6 months, he has been stalking my social media, Google searches and WhatsApp messages (until I put boundaries in around him checking my phone). He then admitted he was probably wrong about the lesbian affair, but that he is sure I have been having an affair with his brother for years. Then for the next few months he became obsessed with me being online on WhatsApp at the same time as his brother.

I have never cheated, I have always been committed to our marriage, but he makes me feel like my actions (like going out and being close to my best friend) cause him to have suspicions. I wrote to his GP with my concerns, we went to the appointment together and the GP referred him to a psychiatrist (which he is still awaiting appointment for)

2 weeks ago I told him I want to separate as being around him was making me unwell. This was an impossibly hard decision as we have 2 young sons, both with complex additional needs. Since then he has been staying at a hotel, and been completely erratic in messaging me. One day he is loving and trying his best, the next day he is hostile and unreliable with our children.

I'm worried to be around him, as he seems mentally unstable. But I am scared to be on my own caring for our boys. I feel like I have an impossible situation 😢

I don't know if it's an abusive relationship or not if things have been okay for 19 years and it's only the last six months. His behaviour around your phone was not okay, neither were his accusations about affairs and it's good that you addressed that. He sounds like he is having some issues at the moment and it will be good for him to sort that out. I think you're doing the right thing by creating some space for your and your DC while he does that.

Its is abusive although it sounds like its due to your husband having some mental health issues. I'm glad you have made his seek help for this. It sounds like ideally you should remain apart until his issues have been addressed.

Yes, his treatment of you is abusive but if it all kicked in 6 months ago and has involved paranoia and erratic behaviour and he has been referred to a psychiatrist then it sounds like there may be an underlying cause. This doesn't mean you deserve or need to endure it though so you've done the right thing in getting him to leave and I think it's best for him to stay separately until hopefully his problems are resolved. Is there anyone else who can support you with the DC for now?