Do I need to get a divorce?

[Confusedandalone123]

What comes next? Do I divorce my husband? I don’t know myself anymore!

We’ve been together for ten years and married for three. I’m a stay at home parent but he’s not exactly bankrolling me, we have three children but two are disabled children and therefore I’m their carer.

Ive been struggling a lot the past couple of years with isolation. Lockdown didn’t help but I feel dh tries to stop me getting any form of independence. He constantly tells me that ‘he understands’ what I’m feeling and then offers solutions that are entirely to the benefit of him and completely at odds to what I’ve just told him. When I point this out it’s always that he does understand, I’m just ‘mentally unstable’.

We had another argument this morning about me looking for work. I desperately want a small part time job which can be worked alongside the caring responsibilities. Something with a social element where I can chat to people. I was looking at barista jobs or hospitality. Years ago I used to do bartending jobs and while I wouldn’t want to do that again I’d like something with a similar energy. I feel like I just need something small which is for me. I tried explaining this to dh and he told me that’s not what I actually want. It would be hard and I’d hate it. He then went on to say what I actually need to do is spend more time playing with the kids. I spend every day with the kids! It then progressed to if you want to get a job why don’t you get one that utilises your degree. No amount of ‘because that’s not what I want’ helped. His opinion is unless I’m getting a job where I can work full time and he can stay at home as a carer it’s not worth the hassle.

I can’t stand it anymore. I feel constantly alone with nothing to look forward to. I sound like a stroppy teenager but it’s like nobody understands. I’d be inclined to suggest mid life crisis but I’m only 29!

I don’t really have any friends. I did but when I met dh I was in university in a different city and because he was older (6 years, not decades) he hated spending time with my friends. He found them studenty and immature which then gradually turned into me distancing myself from them as it was easier than me going out without him.

I feel like life is passing me by and I don’t know how to fix it.

He does sound like a bit of an arsehole, but it can be very difficult being a parent carer and working full time as well (I am assuming he does some housework and spends time with the children as well as working?)

this concerns me though: He found them studenty and immature which then gradually turned into me distancing myself from them as it was easier than me going out without him. so it sounds like he does have form for being a twat. Is that the case?

Posted too soon there. I don’t think you need to get a divorce necessarily, but provided the children are looked after in the work hours you want to seek, then you don’t need to ask his permission to get a job. If you need him to change routine to pick up from school / respite / clubs etc then that’s different, but don’t present it as something he can talk over you on. Say you are going to look for work and that’s that.

It sounds to me like he is isolating you, trying to shut down your options for making a life of your own outside of your family caring responsibilities. It also sounds like he is trying to control your decisions and bend you to what he sees as best your you (but really for him). He has already seen off your friendship group.

I would absolutely pursue the kind of opportunities you are thinking of, and ignore his objections. Whether or not you need to divorce him will become apparent when you see how he reacts.

Absolutely this 👆. It sounds like getting a job would be really beneficial to you and your mental health. My ex tried to isolate me from friends and family. I wonder if he thinks he’d be expected to put more effort in too?

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up; are either of your parents like him in that they are controlling too?.

There are plenty of red flags a fluttering here re this man both before (he hated you spending time with your friends) and after you married him; he is controlling and wants to control you further by limiting your choices. All this man cares about is his own self; not for you or for that matter his children either. His wish for him to become their carer whilst you work full time is also a red flag. He has and indeed will further sabotage any attempts you make to get back into the workplace in any fashion.

Reading "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft could be useful to you.

I would actually start planning your exit from this relationship because its not loving nor one of equals and nor will it ever be.

He does not want you to have a job or even a life outside the home.

You are in an abusive relationship with this man and controlling behaviour like he has and continues to show you is rooted in abuse. Abuse is about power and control and he wants absolute here over you.

Do not ever enter into any form of joint counselling as its never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship.