How do you cope?

[itsjustnotfairisit]

I'm really struggling with being cruelly pushed aside by a guy I really liked who eventually ghosted me. I found out he lied about something and I caught him out although he doesnt know I found out. How do you truly get over that feeling of utter despair. He wasnt honest about anything tbh, constantly online, lying and because I liked him I pretended it wasnt happening. I suffer terribly with anxiety and I cant eat, sleep or work at the moment. I have a busy life and try and forget it but it keeps coming back to haunt me and imaging he is with other women giving them the same patter as me. How pathetic am I to let myself get this low over a scum bag. How do people cope with rejection?

Bin him, concentrate on yourself. Your happiness does not depend on him or any other man.

Perhaps once you've spent some time being kind to yourself, you will find that relationships become easier and you will recognise people who aren't right for you and be able to let them go without too much trauma to yourself.

You sound incredibly overinvested in this person. Emotionally overinvested.

You said you have a busy life, why isn't that keeping you occupied enough?

@Musttryharder2021 Completely emotionally overinvested. Think of very little else tbh. Embarrassed to admit that though. I tried counselling but it was very expensive.

How do people cope with rejection?

I think you've revealed a lot in your last sentence, OP - both the problem and the where to find the answer. What experiences did you have of rejection as a child? Did you have any rejections, small or big, that you especially remember?

Rejection can lead to feelings of loss of control, and that's very destabilising for a lot of people. Sometimes rejection in childhood can result in one of the most overwhelming human emotions of all - shame. The good news is that you work on this with a good counsellor (or with some good self help materials) and 'go back' and comfort your younger self in your head. It's very healing.

Going forward, have a look at the 'Shark Cage' website about setting boundaries. It's really helpful, as well as good read.

@SpindleInTheWind Spot on 100%. Emotionally abusive mother (now deceased) and father who walked out when I was 8, who briefly reappeared 30 years later and then disappeared again!. Always felt people have rejected me and each one is harder to take. Always been a people pleaser and want to be loved. Hence why I felt this guy to be so hurtful.

@itsjustnotfairisit If you're finding counselling too expensive, you could look at some online resources. Given what you've said about your childhood, you might benefit from something like 'inner child work' which sounds a bit wanky but some of the cognitive exercises are pretty good. There's plenty that'll come up if you a search online.

Tbh you should also be able to access free therapy of the CBT-based kind through your GP or local NHS health trust. They normally advertise them as 'talking therapy' or 'talking change' or something like that. Some areas allow people to self-refer. It might be on the GP practice's website or the health trust's.

I'm sorry your childhood contained those miserable experiences for you.

@SpindleInTheWind Thank you I will look up those resources. I just feel so sad that he treated me like that and I just can't move on.

Calling yourself pathetic and being embarassed to admit your feelings is the ultimate rejection: self rejection.

Have you tried accepting yourself? Have you tried saying 'This is how I feel, and I have no reason to hide it. Everybody has feelings of rejection and feels low sometimes, and that's exactly what I'm doing now.'?

I agree that bad childhood experiences make rejection as an adult really hard to cope with.

It's almost like the exact feeling of being rejected by a parent comes back even though it is a different person doing the rejection.

I agree about the need to look into it and understand why. Also that it isn't pathetic to feel bad when someone treats you appalingly. It is a normal reaction. But the childhood trauma def makes it harder to process/ come back from.

To answer your question I cope with rejection by feeling sad as well. Just waiting for the feelings to go away as I process what has happened. Try and look after myself and not do anything too stressful but keep going with everyday life as much as possible. Eat and sleep as healthily as possible. Try and meet with a friend for a walk if I feel up for it. If someone has behaved badly Try and stop going in circles thinking about it and asking why this why that....(because they are an asshole)

once went to a remote location and shouted "Fuck you X" at the top of my voice. That was helpful!
I hope that you start to slowly feel better soon. You deserve to be treated better.

Similar situation here.
Over emotionally invested in an unavailable man. Who frankly couldn't give a shit about me but keeps me hanging on with breadcrumbs of affection (usually sex related).

I am feeling ill most of the day. It's been 5 days since I've heard from him. He hasn't even opened my last message.

I am going for walks, listening to upbeat music, messaging my friends and family who I haven't spoken to much lately, making plans, watching comedy on TV. Trying to look nicer, nails / brows / hair done each day.

Ive been here before with this guy. I will feel low for weeks. And then run back when he shows me an ounce of anything, just to feel validated. Block him if you can. I wish I could.

@Kitten2 bless you. Don’t end up like me. That’s what it was like for me and now I’m a mess. I was accepting anything I could get and towards the end it was all lies.