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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I am frightened of my (adult) ds

2 replies

user476t58 · 03/05/2022 03:31

As far as my adult son is concerned I can do nothing right. He does not live with me. He has his own life & is doing well. It has got to the point where I barely communicate any more because he views everything I say & do as wrong and I get a (verbal) bashing. Today I got a message saying he'd bought a new motorbike & he was obviously happy about it. But I'm now so scared of being shouted down that I didn't answer. I thought in my head 'that's nice' but I didn't reply because literally every time I've spoken for the last few years he's jumped down my throat about how I haven't said or done exactly what he expects. I'm genuinely afraid of him, but I haven't told him I'm frightened of him because I know this'll only provoke him jumping off the deep end again. Is anyone else in the same situation & how do you handle it?

OP posts:
SpidersAreShitheads · 03/05/2022 04:12

When you say you are frightened OP, do you mean you are scared he'll be violent? Or do you mean you are just scared he'll shout at you again, or snap?

It depends if you want to continue contact. It's hard to let go but what do you get out of continuing contact with him? Has he always been like this? How old is he?

The fact he's messaged you to tell you he's bought a new motorbike suggests he wants contact and interaction. I think not replying to the message will piss him off, and understandably so. It's a bit rude. If you want to continue a relationship and have contact with him, then you reply in the way you feel is right, but make sure you are calm and not accidentally being inflammatory or rude. My DM has a big habit of being outrageously rude and insulting to people without realising she's doing it. A simple "that's great, really pleased for you" can't be misconstrued.

And if at any time he gets shouty or rude, you calmly disengage and end the conversation. Every time. He needs to get the message that he can't talk to you like that. You either message or you say, "I'm finishing this conversation now if you're going to shout at me. Goodbye" and hang up. Said calmly - very important you don't get sucked into shouting back. And you really mean it, you hang up - no waiting around for him to shout or dispute your interpretation. End the call. Finish the messaging and leave him on unread.

He won't like it and may decide to drop/reduce contact if you're calling him out on his abusive behaviour. But it's not fair for you to be shouted at if you genuinely have done nothing to provoke it. I'm sorry this is happening, my DM has a difficult relationship with my brother, and I know how hard she finds it.

MountainDewer · 03/05/2022 04:45

Would love to hear his side of the story.
DP’s mum has a similar complaint… but… she can never be just happy and supportive. She always finds something to complain about (that she hasn’t been told earlier, that he should have done X Y Z). She then complains that DP never wants to speak to her. She nags him about everything. His weight, food choices, jobs, you name it she doesn’t like it.

DP doesn’t shout btw but he does raise his voice… usually in réponse to hers.

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