It's 10 years since everything this year.
10 years since we went went NC with our mother; 10 years since our dad died and 10 years since my marriage broke down. It all happened within 4 months.
I'm plagued with nightmares, being unable to sleep and having intrusive thoughts that I haven't had since 2012.
I've just woken up from a nightmare in which my dad was angry and agressive, made little sense and was lurching around trying to grab me in anger. I was scared. Then his face bloated and he fell to the ground looked old and near death.
I woke up with a really strong urge to call him but then I couldn't remember if he was actually alive or not. I was wracking my brains to remember. Fully awake I was trying to work out when we last spoke and was wondering why it felt like it was a long time ago I was saying to myself, "Of course he's alive. You'd remember if he was dead," only then I remembered that he is dead.
I wasn't close to my dad. I saw him every week but I didn't cry when he died, at the funeral nor since. I don't miss him. I feel sad about that but that's the way it was. He just wasn't there anymore.
I had a nightmare a few weeks ago but that time the focus was my mother I awoke from that screaming for "my mummy". It woke my daughter 😕 I had a panic attack that lasted nearly an hour. I couldn't breathe and was in great pain. I wasn't scared because I knew what it was but at the same time it was terrifying.
I don't have any emotions associated with these incidents really. 2012 was a traumatic year but I dealt with it well and moved on.
The last 10 years have been hard. Easier than it was with those three people in my life but still hard and the 10 year anniversary of it is playing havoc with me.
I don't know what I'm asking for. Probably nothing. Just a bit shaken up.