Financially trapped in relationship.

[MadDad92]

Hi, so I'm struggling with a big problem and have been for quite some time now. I'm a dad to 2 young children, me and my other half have been struggling for a long time now, I'm totally unhappy in the relationship and have been for about 18 months now. The slump in our relationship started with my partner asking constantly for a third baby that we couldn't afford and I simply didn't want.

We argued on and off for almost 2 years and every argument drove us apart until we're now at the point where I'm no longer in love and just feel frustration with how my life has turned out. The things that make a separation almost impossible right now is our kids being in child care, my partner says she'd have to quit work to look after the kids, which is true and that would have a negative impact on our youngest who still has two years of nursery left. Of course if she stayed in work and kept the hours our kids currently do she'd have to pay, the financial cost also falls on me too, which I accept is fair but also means I'd be unable to even afford a room, nevermind a flat so I could have the kids over.

I just feel trapped and want to know if anyone else has gone through this kind of situation?

You might not be trapped. You need to do some research and assess what finances would look like given different scenarios.

She’d get benefits if the children lived with her & she quit work (or if you quit work and they lived with you). The nonresident parent would pay CMS. They have a calculator so you could see how much you or she would pay in CMS.

You could go to citizens advice tell them your situation and they’d advise you on what benefits and tax credits would be available for different scenarios. Including you both staying in work and the children going to nursery. Just make an appointment and go in with the figures for your income, her income, and all your outgoings.

If you're the main carer for the children you can claim up to 80 (or 85) % of childcare costs back through universal credit. If either of you work you're still entitled to u.c as it tops up your wages, plus with the childcare element it's really helpful. You can put it all in the calculator at www.turn2us.co.uk to see exactly what your entitlements are anyway. Good luck.

Sorry I meant you *should be entitled to u.c.. as it's income based.

She would be able to stay in work and claim universal credit. Or you could if you became the main carer for the children.
It’s not about being financially trapped. There is help available.

How old are the children...from the nursery comment is the youngest 2?

I don't advocate divorce when there is no abuse and having 2 small children puts any relationship under pressure. Have you tried counselling?

I know of a couple who had a really difficult few years when children young but are now through it and back to being happy. The husband told me that he is the happiest they have ever been.

Would you consider a vasectomy so thst you don't have to worry about a 3rd.

2 and 4, 4 year old is due to start school later this year. Counseling isn't something either of us have thought about, with how things are going it seemed a little pointless.

I considered pushing through but it seems at times that the relationship is one bad argument from turning toxic which we've so far managed to avoid, mostly due to having work to get us away from each other.

Booked in for a vasectomy this month!

I won't be the main carer, my job isn't flexible so kids mum would be the main carer. I've looked at the UC side of things, I'm way over the limit for being entitled to anything but private renting alone is going to be a serious drain on finances!

You can't really unilaterally decide she will be resident parent. Well, she could equally decide you will anyway, regardless of job flexibility... You'd be expected to go on benefits and find a more flexible job, just like single mothers are.

That said, if she were to be resident parent, then gvt childcare funding would have nothing to do with your income. It would be assessed on hers alone. You'd be responsible for maintenance payments, your own costs and those of your children when with you.