My sleep problems are ruining relationship

[Badsleeper]

I've been with my partner 3 years, living together for nearly 2.

I've always been a bit of a restless sleeper, but in the past year it's got really bad, and it's waking up DP constantly. I'm not aware I'm doing it, but I thrash around a lot, talk in my sleep etc. Unfortunately we don't have a spare room for him to decamp to. We can't afford to move somewhere bigger. Consequently he's been very tired lately, and much more irritable with me than usual.

I'm currently awaiting a referral to the sleep clinic, as GP thinks it could be sleep apnoea, which I'm really upset and scared about. I'm terrified I might lose my driving liscense, (you can get it taken away for severe apnoea) but also scared it isn't something that can be treated and I'm just stuck like this and will forever be impossible to sleep next to. I understand that DP is pissed off at not getting enough sleep, but he doesn't seem to understand that it's upsetting and scary for me too.

I don't know whether I should just decamp to the sofa or what to do. I just feel so down about the whole situation.

Sleep in separate rooms whilst you get it sorted. No point being tired and grumpy is there!

If you don’t have a spare room could you swap the double bed for two singles? That way your tossing and turning won’t disturb him.

Can you get an air bed or fold out bed to go in the living room for you to sleep in?

Take turns sleeping on the sofa.
Get ear plugs for him.

Ear plugs won’t help with the thrashing around.>

My ex had this. It was a nightmare! A few times he hit me in his sleep. Other times he would have a dream and act it out. I'd wake up and he'd be running to the cupboard door cos he thought it was the door to outside. An example would be that he would dream a pile of bricks had fallen onto the bed and then he'd physically be sat up trying to get them all off me in a panic.

We got referred to a specialist (respiratory consultant) who basically said that his issue was that when he fell asleep, he retained his muscle tone, so whereas when most people sleep they dream and move around in their dreams while remaining still in reality, he was moving around in his dreams but had the muscle tone to be moving around in reality too. I could have full conversations with him while he was fast asleep. Once I woke up and the fridge freezer was off and defrosting in the morning, turned out he had woken up, ran in there while sleeping, switched everything off and gone back to bed.

The solution for him was a prescription for Clonazepam that he had to take before bed. It worked a treat and things got much better. Good luck!

Sleep apnoea makes you snore very loudly and repeatedly stop breathing while asleep. This doesn't sound like that.

Sleep on the sofa until your appointment.

I have sleep apnea... You will not lose your lisence provided you are being treated.

he doesn't seem to understand that it's upsetting and scary for me too

What's his take on it? Is he nice to you about it?

My ex was an awful fidget in his sleep and snored horrendously too. It did make sleeping together unbearable for me. In the end I bought 2 small doubles which luckily just fitted in my room (without any bedside tables!). Otherwise I’d have got two singles. We still snuggled in together before sleep, but it meant we both got a good nights sleep too. It’s good that you’re looking into sorting it - he didn’t really make any effort to fix it, got very defensive if I ever bought anything to try and help etc and the responsibility fell to me to buy new beds and wear ear plugs etc. If you can show some empathy for his situation I’m sure he’ll be more understanding of yours. Hope you get it sorted.

My DP can be very fidgety at night and she has nights where she snores loudly - by which I mean you can still hear her downstairs when it’s really bad.

It can feel like a “race” to get into deep sleep before her and losing that race often forces me to decamp to the sofa (and then have to put up with the dog’s noises). It can be very frustrating. If I get more than two nights of this in a row I’m left exhausted and it’s hard not to be irritable, so I can empathise with your husband.

At least you’re doing something about it. My DP just apologises but won’t go and see the GP or take any other steps. We bought a larger memory foam mattress, which has helped a bit in terms of not transferring the movements when she’s moving around in her sleep. Could you afford to get one? Maybe also stagger the times you both go to bed, so your DH has a chance to get to sleep before you start moving?

No he's not nice about it at all. He was so foul to me the other day it made me cry, just snappy and angry all evening. Then the next day was like I'm sorry you were upset but I wasn't angry at you I was angry because I was tired etc etc. He's like it again today.

I've had these sleep issues for a while but it's the past few weeks he seems to have become really angry about it. I feel really pissed off as well because up until now he's been dismissive about it and acted as if I'm being a hypochondriac for wanting the referral.

Im trying to improve the situation but it's not going to happen instantly, had a letter about the referral today and it could but up to 2 months wait for an appointment and that's if they decide to give me an appointment.

Try Tesco sleep aid pills.

Sofabed, murphy bed, blow up bed in the living room. You don't have to have a separate bedroom, you just need a place to sleep.

Yes, set up a bed elsewhere for you. It’s only fair.

How old are you?

I’d try separate beds, two exhausted people isn’t a good combination.

I’d secretly love to have my own bed, as DH is a duvet and pillow hogger. In your situation, I’d insist on it.