How do you leave when you’re married and have no money?

[Slavetolove]

Been together 8 years, married 3. We have a 5 year old and I have a 14&12 year old who absolutely adore my husband.

my husband is a good man. He works hard, pays the bills and is fab. But so so so Mardy. All the time. He never wants to do anything, he doesn’t really parent ( i.e he will let them scream and fight next to him and not say anything), he never wants to go anywhere other than the uk, he turns his nose up to anything I want to do.

im so bored. We haven’t had sex since October and before that was January. I get zero affection from him at all. My dad died in September and I really resent how he was with me, he wasn’t there at all. I work hard and earn well which helps a lot.

im not sure what to do. I don’t want to leave but how many more years do I have to spend it crying to him that I just want to be loved and to have sex? I don’t know what to do. I have no money, mt credit score is horrific. He bought the house when I was pregnant and its in his name.

i just want to be loved :(

Why do you have no money if you work and earn well?
Thats the bit that needs to change. Along with the credit rating.

Sometimes it’s a long road. Took me 18 months to get into a position where I could leave.

I think in most places wether the house is in his name or not, it’s still a joint asset.

We just spend it, I use it to live on. Our finances are strange.

Well the fact hat the house is in his name doesn't mean as much as you are married. All monies go into the pot including savings in individual accounts, pensions etc. he doesn't sound like a nice person tbh. He is moody and lazy with the children and is un-affectionate and doesn't want sex. You have every right to want to leave and not live your life like this. Once you've made that decision you need to put a plan in place. Work out what you can afford to rent nearby while you settle the divorce, work out whether you are entitled to any top up benefits looking at just your salary, can you increase your income (ie increase hours or go for a promotion) what are your current assets (ie your pension and savings if any). Put some money aside and go and have a frank chat with a solicitor who specialises in family law about what you could expect by way of a settlement so you can work out whether you can buy locally once you've separated finances etc. This is all about working out the practicalities of your situation. As pp says it sometimes takes months to get to the point where you are ready to leave but it's better because you know you have a plan. Also, remember to calculate CMS as part of 5e money you would have going forward.

I would do it this way:

1. Speak to him about the issue and why you are leaving. (assuming he's refused to work on his issues), since he's not willing to save the marriage with you he agrees to allow you 6 months to save for a rent deposit.
2. Offer him the childcare share you think is reasonable.
3. Get a private rent but with only one or two bedrooms (assuming you are taking all the children with you)
4. Apply for divorce and ask him to pay since he's refusing to save the marriage with you.
5. Apply for the housing list on the basis of overcrowding - you could only afford a one or two bed.
6. Keep paying the rent from your wages and bid on what you are allowed to bid for from the housing list until you get given a home for you and your three children.

Remain amicable with him and raise your children together just not in a relationship. Find someone new and be loved.

I would couples therapy and you either work together to resolve issues or it's a neutral zone to have a more amicable separation.

If he says can't afford it, well it's cheaper than divorce.

If he won't go then that leaves you with either misery or divorce. Which you can tell him.

It means if it ends you know you tried what you could to have a "good enough" marriage and make it work.

It’s hard to advise as I am underuse what you mean by this.

But start sorting out the finances. If you earn well, that’s a big part of the battle.

Agree you need to have a look at finances and see how long term you can make changes so you can start saving.

I left with £60 & 4 maxed out credit cards, better to be skint but happy than rich & miserable.

When you say you earn “well” do you mean £30k or £100k kind of ballpark?

What do you mean by “our finances our strange”?

Obviously your ability to save and secure housing is going to be the key thing of the marriage can’t be saved.

Hi @Slavetolove what did you end up doing in the end? Kind of in a similar boat

My DH ended up going to the doctors and being prescribed anti depressants and therapy.

we haven’t had sex in a year though. But partly because he’s not comfortable in his body, but he’s dieting so trying to change it.

we aren’t as close as we were before things went wrong but we are better. Even going Germany in October lol. But it has taken work on his part. He had a breakdown and I ended up calling the doctors and getting him an emergency appointment.

Sort out the finances

you earn ! That’s amazing
so sit down with an excel planner

could you rent and save to buy
how much have you paid into the house and could he buy you out

get practical and tactical here OP

the emotional side is tricky
the financial really isn’t if you are earning
but you need to face facts and start planning

Our finances are sorted now :)