Hello.
I'm a fairly content woman in my 30s with a professional job. But romantic relationships are my Achilles heel. I tend to get very attached to men who are barely concerned with me at all, and end up heartbroken when they walk away. I also have bipolar disorder, so sometimes this emotional state can become pathological and be de-stabilising. I've already had therapy and am on good meds. I'm only posting really to process and ask for some support.
I'm in a relatively good place, but recently a man I've been talking to for 6 months abruptly ended things. This happened because I was upset he didn't have much time to see me (long distance). He got in a strop and said he had work commitments but I'd spent months feeling sidelined, a low priority, and generally rubbish, despite giving him a lot of my time, attention and support.
He is quite self-centred and always focused on his own emotions. I don't think he ever really thought about me and how I was feeling, and he could be quite condescending. He was also impulsive and frequently blocked me on social media if I irritated him.
But he always unblocked me in the past. This time feels more permanent, but part of my brain keeps hoping he'll miss me and return and it'll all be alright. Unfortunately I demeaned myself by begging him to come back and I regret that a lot.
I have a fulfilling life with family and friends and work. I just cannot work out why I repeat this pattern. I don't seem to attract men who see me.. as me.. who get to know me, memorise my likes and dislikes like I do theirs, who would try as hard as I do for them. Who would, well, love me. Not just love the way I reflect back a positive image of themselves. I feel like just a mirror to them.
I wish I didn't want him back. The sadness always gets me in the evenings when I'm alone.
Thank you for reading.