Sister in abusive relationship

[UmDum]

Not really sure why I’m posting, other than to vent and maybe get some advice on how to deal with my emotions over this.

My younger sister is in an emotionally abusive relationship with an alcoholic. Everything is “perfect” when he is sober, but he goes out and binges, drink drives, says the most horrific things to her, etc. It has been like this from the very beginning, but with the covid lockdowns he wasn’t able to go out, things calmed down a lot, they now have two children. With life getting back to “normal” he’s now back to going out, and exactly the same pattern as before.

My issue is that she is very reliant on our parents, who are now getting on in age, although both in good health and very active. Every time there is an incident, my parents get dragged into it, stay up the whole night dealing with my sister’s trauma over the situation, being sent the abusive messages from him to her, etc. There are then a couple of days of fall out, her traumatised, him denying any issue and accusing my sister of being a drama queen, with my parents right in the middle of it.

I hate the effect it has on them. My parents were almost broken by one particularly bad phase in my sister’s relationship, it really aged them. There is a long history of my sister not being able to deal with her emotions herself and needing my parents as emotional punchbags to help her manage her emotions. It’s almost like she can only handle her negative emotions by making out parents feel just as bad.

Anyway, we were supposed to be spending the bank holiday with my parents, but my sister is in the middle of another trauma episode, so everything is on hold for her. Even if they do make it to see us today, everything will be about my sister’s situation. I’m just feeling so frustrated and cross with the whole situation and so sad for my parents going through this.

Like I said, mainly posting to vent, but any advice on how to deal with my own emotions so that I can support my parents and my sister through this would be very appreciated.

You can't.

They're adults.

You will end up with secondary PTSD trying to help, I did. Best to let them all get on with it.

Sorry if that sounds brutal but it just adds to the drama allowing yourself being involved and will affect your family and yourself.

I do agree. My preference is to totally step back from it all. I told my sister that when she was ready to leave him, I would be there for her in any and every way she needed.

But what about my poor parents? It just break my heart seeing the impact it has on them.

That must be horrendous OP.

I think that you can express concern to your parents about the level of their involvement in it, but I think the only thing you can realistically do is take a massive step back. Protecting yourself is sometimes the only option.

And this may sound harsh, but I'd even consider getting SS involved. Those poor children must be going through hell too

Leave then to it, you cannot help them and you absolutely need to protect your own self here. Your parents are enabling your sister in the same ways as she is enabling her alcoholic partner.

Al-anon would be worth your while contacting here too.

Thanks all, and I know you are right about stepping back. I do find that difficult though, especially when it ends up impacting on my emotions, plans and life (e.g. wasted time waiting around because our plans have to be paused while a crisis is being dealt with). I need to work on stepping back though.

I looked into AA yesterday, and had no idea it was so focused on religion and God. What happens if you are an alcoholic atheist? Genuine question, not intending to be provocative, I was just surprised at how many of the steps had a religious focus.