Normal behaviour or manipulative?

[Helpagirlout22]

If I ever have an issue or am upset about something I would tell my partner but make sure I said it in a calm manner. I would try to get my point across but never in an angry way. But anytime I bring something up he reacts either very defensively, ignores me completely or acts like I have hurt him. There’s been something recently where he has hurt my feelings. I am away for the weekend so I have explained whats upset me over message and now he’s ignoring me. It’s always like this and I then feel bad for bringing it up and upsetting him. Is this just his way of coping or is this manipulative?

Very manipulative

Manipulative, abusive, and just plain horrible. Why are you with a man like this?

He obviously has good points but it’s whenever there’s issues this is what he’s like. I wasn’t sure if this was just his way of dealing with conflict or if he is knowingly being manipulative? But by him acting like this does make me think twice about bringing things up and also makes me feel bad when I do!

He may not be very emotionally literate, may not have learned how to handle difficulties through calm discussions etc. I wouldn't say it's "manipulative" unless he's deliberately doing it to get a particular response from you. I may be wrong but, to me, manipulative means a deliberate strategy to try to make the other person behave in a certain way, whereas your partner may just be clueless. We can never know for sure what's going on in another person's mind. Speaking personally, having grown up in a family where my parents had an awful relationship, I can see that I have in the past acted like your partner, just because I had no idea what else to do - engaging in discussion can just set all your alarms ringing because you think it means you're about to be abandoned, are not loved, so instead I used to panic. I would eventually "hear" and try to act on complaints I think, but actually isn't it very common to act defensive in this situation? I think if you still have a lot of work to do on yourself regarding relationships, being defensive is often the default reaction.

@DivorcedAndDelighted That’s what I thought, that it’s his default reaction because he doesn’t know how to deal with it. But it’s damaging to me as it feels like I’m on egg shells sometimes or scared to bring something up that’s hurt me. It’s almost like we are happy and great as long as we don’t talk about issues!!

Well then @Helpagirlout22 i think you need to lay it on the line for him, calmly, as you've been doing. Maybe that you need to have couples counselling to help you both learn to move forward together. Because this relationship has to work for you as well. It's not fair for you to be doing all the emotional grown - up work here. You can't fix him unless he wants to be fixed. Good luck.

Please read this back to yourself. You're sayjng that you're fine as a couple as long as you put up and shut up. Which is no way to live.

Whatever his issues or reasons are as to why he handles conflict badly, women are not rehab facilities for badly brought up men.

why are you with someone like this? Did your dad test your mum like this?. We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents, what did yours teach you?. If we learn damaging lessons we can carry those into our adult relationships.

Do not enter into joint counselling. it’s never recommended when there is abuse of any type within the relationship.

End this relationship asap and before he does you any more emotional harm, he is a highly manipulative person who already is and will further drag you down with him.

Women are indeed not rehab centres for such badly raised men.

@AttilaTheMeerkat no I never witnessed this in my childhood. I know a lot of men tend to bury their heads but I have never been with a partner who is this extreme. @Takenoprisoner i agree it does feel like we are happy if I put up and shut up. But would this not be more his way of dealing with this rather than him thinking he’s going to control me?

Wanted to add - as people wisely say on here, women are not rehab centres for damaged men. You don't have to stay with him if he won't fix this, as it's clearly causing you distress and you sound like a very reasonable person.
As a person who's crap at emotional stuff, I'd say - IF he is also avoiding discussing this because he's scared, then approaching it with lots of reassurance would help. Eg saying "I want us to stay together, and I want us to do this better. A problem doesn't mean we're over, but I need you to be working with me, not avoiding it.". With my current boyfriend, we have discussed emotionally difficult stuff whilst cuddling, and I feel able to talk about things so safely like that.
I knew a couple once who went to marriage guidance and the counsellor advised them, when discussing a problem that they both wanted to solve, to face each other, hold hands, and look each other in the eyes while they talked about it. I know that would not be appropriate in lots of circumstances, but it worked well for them, and I would like to try that approach.
I do think you need to set a limit for how much of this avoidance from him you'll put up with before you call it a day. Even if there are understandable reasons, you need him to do better and fix it.

I agree with DivorcedandDelighted. I struggle massively with emotional conversations because of my childhood. It has taken me and DH a long time to figure this out and it has only been possible because DH didn't assume that I was abusive and manipulative and instead took the time to work with me on my triggers and my general emotional crapness (my phrase not his!)

Now I'm not saying that this is the case for your partner. And he may not be interested in improving himself. In that case this may be the end of the road. But I am very grateful to DH that he has given me chance after chance after chance until we've got to a place where I can listen to things he is upset about without completely shutting down.

@Helpagirlout22
After a certain point it doesn't matter why someone is doing x, y or z. It's wasted energy trying to untangle their motives or reasons or issues.

What matters is that it's a pattern of behaviour that they are unwilling to change even when made aware of how it impacts you. They care about continuing that behaviour more than how it affects you. That's all you need to know and what you do with that information is up to you.

You've become deeply tangled up trying to work why they do what they do. Take a step back and look at the bigger picture. Is this how you want to live YOUR one life?

But would this not be more his way of dealing with this rather than him thinking he’s going to control me

You're looking for a way to let him off the hook. 'His way of dealing with' something isn't mutually exclusive with being hurtful to you. What he's doing is both. The correct view of the situation is that, knowingly or not, your partner's way of dealing with conflict is hurtful to you. And he chooses to keep doing it, knowing it hurts you.

A relationship can't be judged on how things feel when everything is fine. Most people are ok to have a laugh, cup of coffee, glass of something nice, piece of cake etc, with most other people. This doesn't make them compatible relationship partners. What makes compatible relationship partners is the ability to successfully navigate the difficult bits, and still want to be close to each other. That's not happening here. When you get to a difficult bit, your relationship stumbles, and you're pushed further apart.

It's not sustainable.