Tips for dealing with emotionally unhelpful DP and crumbling mental health?

[cantyfunt]

DP and I are falling apart and I'm 30 weeks pregnant. I've been referred to the perinatal mental health team because my anxiety is through the roof.

For context I am having regular therapy to help cope with my past - relationships with my parents for example (not horrific but just unhealthy) and my "circle" is small now, I don't really see my parents and now have very limited friends (2!) so not a lot of external support.

DPs response to any issue / emotion is to validate that he is fine so he can't see why I'm not. Not an emotion example but say we went out for a meal - which happened recently and we had the same food but mine was inedible (sandy moules!)

Me "oh my god these are just full of grit 🤢"
Him "mine are lovely" and keeps eating

Where as I'd be like "ah your food is shit, sorry - do you want to call the waiter? Maybe have some thing else?"

I'm not expecting some one to deal with everything for me, but I little consideration would be amazing. He came to my antenatal appt this week spent the whole time on his phone during both blood tests for the GTT and only really seemed "around" when we had to speak to the consultant. For reference I didn't want him to come to this appt I was more than happy and capable (I'm a HCP myself so this stuff is the one thing I am "confident" with). It's almost as though he has to come to show his face for appearance sake.

Culminating last night, and this has been the case frequently - me crying saying I just feel emotionally exhausted and his reply "I'm happy" and me being genuinely confused that he's either taking the piss or genuinely thinks that's an appropriate response to your pregnant partner or any one exhibiting sadness.

Basically it's like house mates / fuck buddies. There's zero emotional connection between us other times.

Basically this is who he is. You can spend the next few decades feeling frustrated and invisible or you can accept that he won’t be the man you want him to be and decide what to do from there.

In your food example it shows a lack of empathy on his part, but similarly as an adult it’s on you to complain about your food or order an alternative etc, not him.

But the later example of you crying and him saying “I’m happy” seems bizarrely cold and unfeeling. He’s either checked out of your relationship, bricking it about impending parenthood or potentially has some MH issues of his own to deal with. Either way, he’s not going to magically become a supportive and empathetic partner and parent overnight so you’ll need to find ways to deal with the next couple of months/years that won’t end in you feeling resentful as he doesn’t step up.

Leave. This is the person he is and he will be contributing to your anxiety.

So basically, he's dismissive. I've had a couple of these throughout my life (my mum and my ex). I think basically they just dismiss anything you say because they just don't want to deal with it. I've never really learned what to do about these types of people to be honest, i'd be interest to hear more.

But I think thats what they call "emotionally unavailable". And if someone isn't there for you when you need them, well, whats the point of them?

@RoyKentsChestHair I totally get he's not responsible for my food ordering but if I was out to dinner with any one and they said oh god I can't eat this I'd at least sympathise with them

@DenholmElliot yes dismissive. Very. Very! It's emotionally exhausting. Yes think is a massive reason I feel so anxious.

He has no diagnosed mental health issues. Just a selfish bastard as far as I can determine.